Views on this

[Bellej88xx]

Is your partner a man, allowed to pull down your top? This happened at a new years eve party. I was unaware due to being intoxicated. But I was today my by sister that he'll pulled down my top then my bra infront of my sister and her partner. I have confronted him about it but he has just said I need to grow up as we were all drunk.
Obviously it's put me in a situation now where I'm never going to drink again. I don't feel fine about it or anything even though I was unaware it happened until now.

Thank you.

How much did you drink? (That you remember)

I don't drink usually and I get pissed on two drinks now (4 units) or one cocktail. I'd be in a state after four. So it could be the booze had more of an effect, or it's possible you were spiked.

What the ops partner did was disgusting, and humiliating.
He is the one to blame not the op, he should take care of her not use her as the subject of mirth...She should be allowed to be drunk on occasion without being abused.

I advised the OP to dump him and didn't blame the OP for what happened. I suggested that if she drinks so much she blacks out, that she should stop drinking.

Op youve done nothing wrong here. Dont feel embarrassed, feel anger that hes minimising this. Id feel this crossed the line for me. It would be the end

Of course it’s not ok, but you know that anyway. And to make it worse, he’s not even sorry for it the next day. He should be falling over himself to apologise and make it up to you, not telling you to get over yourself. He should be the one to protect you not the one to expose you in public…it’s disgraceful.

Drinking compromises our judgement and inhibitions. In that moment he may not have “known” that she would hate it because he wasn’t fully compos mentis. I followed up immediately with a second post that he needs to control his drinking if that’s what causes isolated poor behaviour.

II’m struggling to imagine circumstances in which anyone could imagine this was okay. It isn’t really to do with how comfortable you might be with your body. DH and I are comfortable on nudist beaches but it wouldn’t occur to him or me that either of us would strip at a gathering or reveal the other’s intimate body parts. I doubt a stripper would be cool with that either. It’s a very weird and inappropriate thing to do. How safe do you feel with your partner generally?

Hi, if he touched you in a sexual way when you were so intoxicated you couldn’t even remember that sounds like SA to me.

OP I would be concerned that you were drugged in all honesty. If you don’t usually drink much, you’d have felt yourself getting drunk and I suspect you would have stopped or slowed down to be honest. Not many people don’t drink much but then cannot remember anything the next day.

Whether he slipped you something to make you do something you wouldn’t normally do (is there any indication you had sex with him that night - if so, is there anything you normally refuse that he may have done to you (you don’t need to tell us, this is a question for you to ponder)?) or thought it might “get the party going” is another matter (not that it is acceptable if he’s drugged you at all), but intent would play a big part in how I reacted if that makes sense.

Maybe you weren’t spiked - it just sounds very dodgy to me, and big memory gaps, even for the horribly embarrassing things that usually suddenly hit you in a flashback the next day seems odd. I have never ever not remembered something from when I was drunk and believe me when I say I drank beyond excess when I was younger (unhealthily dealing - or not - with being raped) so I struggle to think of how much you’d have needed to not remember anything.

Good luck. Do you think he’d admit it if you confronted him? Could you say you went to an urgent care centre today and they are testing for drug traces in your system and they’ve advised if there are you should go to the police who would investigate and find who did it… might be enough to scare him into admitting if he did it or show you he really didn’t from his reactions? Maybe someone else can think of a better way?

The memory gaps Make me wonder if you were spiked OP but regardless this man sounds suspect.
Sometimes singles best

OP I am sorry, this is a shitty thing to do, and would be a deal breaker for me.

Its really disrespectful and most drunk people would not behave this way.

This action is not on you, its purely on him. He is showing you how he feels he can treat you in front of people, and then telling you to grow up when you called him up on it. That is very telling how he feels about you.

What advise would you give your best friend if she found herself here?

There’s the thing he did, but also his sober response. The thing was unacceptable, but if when sober he’d said
”I’m so sorry, I feel so terrible, I was drunk and being a twat and I promise nothing like it will ever happen again” followed by an apology to your sister and her partner, then MAYBE you could consider this a genuine mistake worth forgiving.
HOWEVER, his response shows utter disrespect for you. The fact your sister has come to you to tell you about this suggests she’s really not very happy about the situation either. Trust that even if you are doubting yourself.

Exactly. This prick had the nerve to get angry with her when she objected to sexual abuse. That's a dumpable offence all the way. If he gets away with it God knows what he'll do next.

This is a major boundary violation. His response to you confronting him is another one.

I would really advise you to get out of this relationship fast. And start to rebuild boundaries, maybe some therapy. Because I find a lot of other aspects of this story odd/worrying:
You got so drunk, having not drunk much?
Your sister telling you the next day rather than getting you out of there immediately.
Your sister's partner just watching?

Please get yourself safe.

No

I would think this too.

Sexually assaulted after possibly been given something by that scum.

OP, please consider going to the police.
There are witnesses.
This is a serious crime.

You poor poor woman.

He is playing it down and trying to make out it's normal, it definitely isn't. This was sexual assault. Drink spiked. Makes you wonder where this is all going. I would be done. Sorry this happened to you.

No-one has the right to expose another person in public (or in private for that matter) without their consent.

Them being in a relationship with you makes zero difference.

They're supposed to have some respect for you ....that's the opposite of respect.

He sounds like he thinks your body is his property (or prop) or both.

His total and utter lack of remorse etc. is not a sign of anything good either.

That's a relationship ending situation - actually a form of assault.