Need some humour

grannell · 2025-01-02T13:49:16+00:00

My partner finished with me last night as I apparently clean and tidy the house too much. I have hoovered twice over the Xmas period and cleaned the shower twice, as well as general tidying and cleaning of kitchen surfaces etc. I need some perspective on this. He says that I care more about cleaning than being with him and that he feels neglected. He does nothing around the house. Nothing! There are 7 of us and all I do is clear up after everyone. He also says that his 2 children have told him that they are scared of going into our lounge for fear of making a mess. I don't believe him as he lies all the time, particularly when things aren't going his way. When I said that I would apologise to them if I have made them feel like that, he got v angry and said that under no circumstance was I to mention a single word to them. They are teenagers who eat, drink and sprawl all over the sofas, albeit not often as they prefer to stay in the bedroom. Please help me make sense of all this. I said I need humour but I am actually broken! Thanks for reading

EVHead · 02/01/2025 13:51

It sounds like you’re well shot of him!

Imagine a life where you can live as you like, clean as often as you want! My first husband thought the toilet should be cleaned once a month; I thought once a week - we compromised on once a fortnight, which made neither of us happy!

The crazy stuff we put up with in pursuit of love …!

lightsandtunnels · 02/01/2025 13:56

He sounds like a big baby! And he is lying about his kids being scared about making a mess. If they are sprawly teens then they won't have any awareness that they are or are not making a mess.

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet OP. I'm thinking he wants to finish with you but can't think of a reasonable explanation so this is what he has come up with!

Are there complications with the break up with housing - just wondering if you live together?

theallotmentqueen · 02/01/2025 13:57

Sounds like he’s an arsehole. If he genuinely does nothing around the house he’s not treating you like a partner but a servant and then putting the blame on you.

It might be that he has a guilt/anger response. Ie, him not cleaning and seeing you clean makes him feel bad, him feeling bad makes him mad. Therefore it shortcuts in his brain to ‘you make me mad’.

You have cleaned the house quite a lot but that isn’t a moral failing? You’re simply keeping the house nice. Unless you’re going around passively aggressively staring at the kids if they leave eg a book out on the table you’re doing nothing wrong. Even though he’s doing nothing, it sounds like you’re not the one with the problem (which you have a right to- your partner should be helping you out). It’s genuinely bizarre to me that he is trying to pin his lack of helpfulness and generally being a shit partner onto you.

I would apologise to the kids, if only because like you I get the sensation that he’s lying to make you feel bad. Why would he inform you of this and then ask you not to speak with them about it? If on the off chance he isn’t lying, it’s still a benefit because it means that you can have a convo with them about feeling comfortable in your house.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/01/2025 13:58

This can’t work and it’s best to end it. He has no patience with your wish for a tidy home and refuses to share chores .

BrightSnail · 02/01/2025 14:01

He hasn't even got the intelligence to realise that if he pulled his own finger out from time to time you'd be able to spend a bit more time having fun. You can't have an adult relationship with someone that dense. You're better shot of him.

Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 14:02

Thanks everyone. We do live together so need to get the house on the market. Thing is, it's not anywhere near a state to be put on the market. Only the bedrooms and lounge are in a reasonable state. The bathroom is on half being refirred so it's going to take a long time!

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SameSameNo · 02/01/2025 14:02

It sounds for the best as you're incompatible.

You said he lies a lot which of itself is bad news and discredits him, two cleaning sessions over 23rd dec to 1s jan is impressive but not excessive. However there are people who sulk and create a bad atmosphere as they clean passive aggressively.. the main focus is this break up is for the best.

SameSameNo · 02/01/2025 14:03

You can put it on the market in any state.

Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 14:06

SameSameNo · 02/01/2025 14:02

It sounds for the best as you're incompatible.

You said he lies a lot which of itself is bad news and discredits him, two cleaning sessions over 23rd dec to 1s jan is impressive but not excessive. However there are people who sulk and create a bad atmosphere as they clean passive aggressively.. the main focus is this break up is for the best.

I only hoovered and cleaned the shower tray twice, not a full house clean! With seven in the house, they both get v dirty v quickly!

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Papillionbleu · 02/01/2025 14:20

Someone will appreciate your cleaning skills OP.He sounds like he's just looking for excuses to leave.You'll probably be relieved eventually, you won't have any more teen dramas, and no more untidy man who likes scummy showers and toilets.

InALonelyCattleShed · 02/01/2025 14:29

It's highly unlikely that a man will end a relationship because his partner does too much housework, more often than not they've already got the next one lined up or are already with them. I too think he's lying about the children.

If I were you @grannell I'd clean the toilet, once it's been well used, with his toothbrush. Then concentrate on putting yourself, your needs and wants at the forefront of your mind. Once you have been free of him for a while you will have the headspace to see his behaviour for what it is. It might take you a while to get there, allow yourself to grieve what you should have had

Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 14:29

theallotmentqueen · 02/01/2025 13:57

Sounds like he’s an arsehole. If he genuinely does nothing around the house he’s not treating you like a partner but a servant and then putting the blame on you.

It might be that he has a guilt/anger response. Ie, him not cleaning and seeing you clean makes him feel bad, him feeling bad makes him mad. Therefore it shortcuts in his brain to ‘you make me mad’.

You have cleaned the house quite a lot but that isn’t a moral failing? You’re simply keeping the house nice. Unless you’re going around passively aggressively staring at the kids if they leave eg a book out on the table you’re doing nothing wrong. Even though he’s doing nothing, it sounds like you’re not the one with the problem (which you have a right to- your partner should be helping you out). It’s genuinely bizarre to me that he is trying to pin his lack of helpfulness and generally being a shit partner onto you.

I would apologise to the kids, if only because like you I get the sensation that he’s lying to make you feel bad. Why would he inform you of this and then ask you not to speak with them about it? If on the off chance he isn’t lying, it’s still a benefit because it means that you can have a convo with them about feeling comfortable in your house.

Edited

I want to talk to his boys as if they have really said that, I would like to make amends. A part of me also wants to catch him out as I know that he has lied about it, but I feel it would only make matters worse as he was enraged when I told him that I would talk to them. He was clearly panicking at that point.

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Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 14:30

InALonelyCattleShed · 02/01/2025 14:29

It's highly unlikely that a man will end a relationship because his partner does too much housework, more often than not they've already got the next one lined up or are already with them. I too think he's lying about the children.

If I were you @grannell I'd clean the toilet, once it's been well used, with his toothbrush. Then concentrate on putting yourself, your needs and wants at the forefront of your mind. Once you have been free of him for a while you will have the headspace to see his behaviour for what it is. It might take you a while to get there, allow yourself to grieve what you should have had

Thank you so much for this!xx

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ZaZathecat · 02/01/2025 14:30

'he lies all the time' is the only reason you need to be glad it's over

Fraaances · 02/01/2025 14:32

He’s met someone else. Lying sack of shit.

TENSsion · 02/01/2025 14:34

I can’t find the bit where you’re worse off for this?

It sounds like you’re well shot of him. Congratulations 🥂 Here’s to a very happy 2025 to you! Xxx

Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 14:36

Fraaances · 02/01/2025 14:32

He’s met someone else. Lying sack of shit.

I am not naive as have read so many posts in here, but I honestly can't see where he would have. He has no friends, doesn't go out ( other than on his bike on his own) and works with old women. He works as a healthcare professional so to hook up with one of his patients would be enough for him to be struck off! However, watch this space!

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Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 14:40

I am broken as when he is not being a dick, he is wonderful to both myself and my kids. The kids father does nothing with them and my partner does everything. He also makes me feel so loved which I why I don't understand how his feelings can switch. This isn't the first time. I have had years of this but this time seems final. I also have a scan in Monday as I have suspected endometrial cancer which he knows about!

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Papillionbleu · 02/01/2025 14:43

I hope your scan goes well on Monday OP.Really sorry you're not getting support from him.
Hope your situation improves.🙏

InALonelyCattleShed · 02/01/2025 14:53

He also makes me feel so loved which I why I don't understand how his feelings can switch. This isn't the first time. I have had years of this but this time seems final.

That's a typical pattern. It's the good bits that keep you there, hoping that it'll become always good. It never does because it's too much work for them to keep up the niceness. And him being nice doesn't put you in your place. The pattern is also designed to have you confused and doubting yourself.

I also have a scan in Monday as I have suspected endometrial cancer which he knows about!

Ah, this is more than likely his reason then, what a prince.

If I were you I wouldn't share any more information about yourself with him, no matter what the result of your scan, it's none of his business and he'll only use it to his own benefit.

Very best wishes to you for your scan @grannell , I hope it's clear and if not easily treatable 🙏

Smokesandeats · 02/01/2025 15:18

grannell · 02/01/2025 14:02

Thanks everyone. We do live together so need to get the house on the market. Thing is, it's not anywhere near a state to be put on the market. Only the bedrooms and lounge are in a reasonable state. The bathroom is on half being refirred so it's going to take a long time!

I’ve heard it all now - dumping you because you clean too much and make the house look nice! 😊

2025HereICome · 02/01/2025 16:00

Has he honestly given this as the reason for breaking up? He's going to separate you all, sell the house, because you hoovered twice and cleaned the shower over the Xmas period? In a house with 7 people causing lots of traffic and having lots of showers? I've honestly heard it all now.

My money is on him meeting someone else, or being afraid that you do have cancer and he doesn't want to care for you through that.

Absolutely speak to his children, they're teenagers and should know that he has said this about them... I bet it's a load of shit.

Whatever has actually happened, he sounds like an absolute dickhead and you'll be happier without him.

Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 17:33

Thank you for all your comments... they are very much appreciated x

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user1471538283 · 02/01/2025 17:58

He's a liar. They never said that.

His changing on you like this is because you are unwell. If he did more you wouldn't be cleaning so much (not that I think you are cleaning too much). I clean everyday because I cannot stand the mess.

Concentrate on you and your health first. This gives him plenty of time to finish the house so you can sell.

Original poster

grannell · 02/01/2025 18:04

user1471538283 · 02/01/2025 17:58

He's a liar. They never said that.

His changing on you like this is because you are unwell. If he did more you wouldn't be cleaning so much (not that I think you are cleaning too much). I clean everyday because I cannot stand the mess.

Concentrate on you and your health first. This gives him plenty of time to finish the house so you can sell.

Thank you lovely. Appreciate your response x

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