I'm just not happy.

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I've been with my partner for three years. We are engaged and he moved in with me 14 months ago.

I have a background of abuse and childhood trauma which I've had therapy for. Whilst it's been good for giving me coping strategies and enables me to live a life that appears 'normal', its not the same as not have experienced abuse in the first place.

I'm also autistic and suspected to have adhd (although unassessed).

I'm just not happy.

I've made a few posts about specific situations/feelings on here in that time. I've been really honest about my version of events, things ive said and his responses. Whilst there have been s few LTBs, the majority of people have felt that a lot of my feelings/responses are trauma responses and that there is a lot of evidence that he loves me very much. This is the general opinion of our friends and both our families too.

I've reflected and used positive self talk and essentially battled with myself to make it work but I feel that I've just become smaller and smaller in my own life.

I don't feel like I matter at all. I don't believe he is attracted to me. I can give examples of why the former is probably not accurate but I can't find evidence against the latter other than "he's with you, isn't he?"

We went out for NYE and it all came to a bit of a head. It was horrible. We had a conversation about it today and I feel its just been swept under the carpet (as always).

I'm devastated.

I'm 49. I've never had a good relationship. I thought this could be a good one. Statistically at least it should have been.

But I'm not happy. I'm unhappy.

We came to bed tonight. He spent a couple of hours watching a TV series on his phone, turned the light off and flinched when he accidentally touched me, didn't say good night and went to sleep.

I feel like an empty shell of a person.

And very sad.

I'm sorry OP, his behaviour sounds really hurtful and upsetting.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship. It sounds like you've done your best and it hasn't worked out.

You're not happy so it's best to call it quits. Focus on yourself. Build up your connections and thrive.

I think you'll be happier without him in your life. He's dragging you down emotionally. He flinches when he accidentally touches you? Wow. Do not marry this man. Tell him it's over and give him a reasonable time limit to move out.
Being single is muuuuuch better than being in a miserable relationship. Trust me. Been there and would never go back. All the hounds of hell couldn't drag me back to that awful life.
The people in your life should enrich your life, not bring you down.
I'm also NT, btw. I understand thinking your relationship should be a certain way and how confusing, painful and frustrating it is because you know it's not how it should be. However, you have to accept that it is what it is.

I know you're right.

I'm so cross with myself for letting it go on for so long.

I overlooked comments he made in the early days and things he said and when I tried to ask tp him about it yesterday he just shut it down saying I should focus on all the good things he's said and not all the bad.

In my mind, there shouldn't have been bad things said at all.

It’s very hard when you have suffered trauma to listen and believe yourself. You know also we are sometimes not suited to people because they don’t match our internal needs and values. It’s one of those things. The relationship not working could be completely unrelated to your trauma but it’s coming and poking its nose in. It definitely sounds like it’s triggering you and that is something to listen to. I don’t think this person sounds suited to you, it is what it is and it’s totally fine for people to just not be suited. Don’t let trauma come along and lead you down a path back to the past, it likes to do that. Keep your head in the present and look at the relationship as it is. I’m not happy right now in the present with his actions is enough to leave something.

Was your place nicer than his before he moved in?

Thank you. That's helpful to read.

I feel like I'm constantly battling against everything to function like everyone else seems to including myself. It's exhausting and can be very upsetting.

I'm best when I'm alone and my world is small. Other people are a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. But that's also very lonely.

It was nice having someone to enjoy things with and do things with but I'm now uncomfortable with even that and my difficulties on NYE were because I forced myself to go out when I knew I didn't really want to. We rarely go out together anymore.

I can manage on my own financially but it was also nice not having to just 'manage' and being able to have extra money for nice things.

I find work and the social element of work exhausting. I find friendships difficult to the point where my only friends are also ND. But I don't want whole life to be ND centred because I often find those friendships unreliable because of competing needs and conflicting traits. I've had friendships with NT people but I'm always a bit wary of them and I feel the need to mask a lot so they've all fallen by the wayside.

I worry a lot about being completely alone and lonely for the rest of my life.

It was but he was in a relationship for 10 years before me and they didn't live together. He loved his flat and having his own space.

I knew his ex and I know she wanted him to move in with her but he said he preferred knowing he had his own place to go back to.

My place is also bigger, requires more effort to keep on top of and is more expensive for him. He wasn't a man in need of somewhere to live.

Ok, so if he loved having his own space to go back to, why did he move in with you? It seems inconsistent.

I am autistic and also have adhd. I have made my world small over the last few years and my mental health is much better for it. I feel better about myself when I don’t push myself to burn out with socialising every weekend. I feel better about myself when I’m not constantly overthinking what I said/ did in social situations. I am not in a relationship and am not looking for one, I’ve accepted I am better on my own. It is definitely lonely sometimes, but I just didn’t cope so well when I had an active social life and was struggling with anxiety to the point of self harm. It’s a cliche but I have cats and I feel like they are enough day-to-day to keep my small existence from being entirely lonely. I do still work (teacher) and I have good friends there and find that is enough social interaction most weeks. I would love someone to go on holiday or things like that either, but have accepted that just isn’t my life.

If you’re not happy in the relationship you don’t have to stay. You don’t even have to be in a relationship at all. It’s okay to walk away and it doesn’t matter if the problem is you or him, or both. If you will feel happier or calmer with a small world then that’s okay.

Don’t worry, there are many people out there including myself who are exactly the same. Stop ignoring your needs and trying to behave like other people is a very good start. The right people will stay and the right partner will feel like home when you listen to yourself and stop berating yourself for what you want. There’s nothing wrong with you only that you think there is.

That's what I'm struggling with.

He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and there are very many things he has said and done that are completely consistent with that.

But there are other things. Maybe small things and maybe insignificant things but they are the ones I can't make fit with the rest of the narrative and it derails me mentally.

He doesn't understand why none of the good things count for anything and I'm only focused on the bad or the times he's expressed something insensitively or made a joke that landed badly.

I think that if I felt better about myself, I wouldn't give any thought to most of it but it all just reinforces my inner critical voice that constantly tells me I'm not good enough.

Because the bad stuff always makes more of an impact than the good stuff. Also, you can't polish away bad behavior with a few "good deeds". The point of a relationship is to treat each other well. So "good deeds" are the minimum.

OP, listen to your gut.
You are not happy.
You need to ask him to leave for your mental health.
It is that simple.
It is over for you and him.

You don’t need to absorb other people’s feelings and take it as a you thing. I don’t like too much touch but that is nothing to do with my partner, it is mine. We have to remember that we are 2 separate people with 2 separate sets of wants and needs that are unrelated. If you don’t like going out NYE then that’s a you thing, it’s totally acceptable and we just need to communicate it. I go along with things that I don’t like sometimes as in a relationship we do sometimes have to. I know when you are ND things are black and white but in relationships things are grey sometimes. He could be having a hard time, he could be upset about something, don’t instantly think it’s about you. It hard, I’ve been there.

MolkosTeenageAngst

Thank you. I'm also a teacher and I find I'm so exhausted from it all by the end of the day (sensory overload) that I just want to lie in a dark room or go to bed at 7.

I don't eat well because I don't often feel hungry and struggle with having an appetite for food even when I am, which doesn't help.

I'm constantly aware of how much easier his life would be without me in it. Mine would be harder in many ways without him but I think I would feel more content.

If you are happier as a single person that is a perfectly valid choice. Follow the life path that makes you most comfortable in your own skin.

I've been single for most of my adult.life for long periods (eg up to 10 years) at a time.

I remember the physically painful aching loneliness and I'm scared of feeling that again too.

Fear makes bad choices. By letting is take control then you could be missing out on something so much better. Fear trauma bonds us rather than bond us for love and growth. That’s the inner child talking, that’s what I’ve been told via therapy.

He says I hear everything through a negative filter and that I put the worst possible interpretation onto everything.

He is right about that. And, after the fact, I can sometimes see that I've misunderstood at the time and my interpretation just didn't make any sense in the context.

I look at myself most of the time and can't see anything worthwhile or of value. I feel like a blight on other people's lives and I also know that it's not right to feel like that.

I don't voice a lot of what I think or feel because I know how it will sound but then it just eats away at me.

But I also don't know if it's fear (of not being good enough) that is ruining this.

That is what I'm struggling with.

I could work harder at silencing my negative inner voice (because its always so negative and critical) but I don't know if I should do that or be listening to it.

I know that some (most?) of my negative interpretations are because I don't ever feel good enough.

I can't believe that anyone would respect me or be loyal to me or that anyone would consider me deserving or worthy of those things.

And I know that, in the past, people have been disrespectful and disloyal (friends as well as in relationships) so I'm not completely wrong in feeling like that.

I think that this is what has to be dealt with before entering relationships. I’m not an expert but if not dealt with then it will more than likely interfere with all relationships. Then you get in the position of not knowing which way to turn. I keep working on your inner self until it is strong and loud enough to keep you safe. At the moment it’s not safe internally so nothing externally is going to feel safe, even if that person is doing nothing wrong.

This is exactly how I'm feeling about it all.

I bought a book on the critical inner voice after it was recommended to me on here previously. I've got books on inner child stuff. But I find it all so difficult.

How do I know if my inner voice is right or wrong? How can I know what of what it says is right and what is wrong?

Eg

My partner has told me many times that he had feelings for me since the first time we met which was three years ebforenwe gpt together. This has been confirmed to me by friends he confided in at the time who were really excited for us when we got together with jokes about how pleased they were because it had got really boring listening to how wonderful i was for three years.

But, last year, he told me that he'd 'never seen me in 'that way'. It wasn't an argument. I remember it coming pretty much out of the blue after we'd been out to celebrate his friends' wedding so we were just chatting about relationships in general. He was driving so hadn't been drinking.

He can't explain why he said this or what he meant by it but denies that he meant he'd never had feelings for me.

The best he can come up with is that it was probably a clumsy way of saying he didn't ever expect us to he together.

So what do I do? Because my inner voice repeats it to me constantly. It's affected our sex life in that we don't really have sex anymore.

Not because I can't cope with the thought he wasn't enamoured with me from the start but because both of those things can't be true. So one of them is a lie and the lie has derailed me mentally and i feel stuck in a loop.

So I keep coming back to logic.

Logically, it would make no sense that he told several of his closest friends that he had feelings for me but didn't think he stood a chance with me for three years before we got together if it weren't true.

But then why lie and say the opposite?

We all know some men will lie to make a woman think he is more interested than he is but why would you lie to make out you were less interested and disagree with everything you've previously said enthusiastically?

It just doesn't make sense.

He hasn't benefitted from the lie in any way. If his intention was to make me try harder, it's failed because I've all but withdrawn completely. And yet he never complains about the lack of sex either. He initiates, I refuse, he accepts. No sulking. No negatives. Nothing. So none of it makes any sense.

I'm not autistic but part of the reason I stay single is the need to not be 'on' when at home and to just switch off.
Totally understand the need to come home and flop and recharge.

It's not a failure to accept living with a partner isn't for you, at least not this one.

Will you be happier without him?
Ask him to leave.
Then tell him to leave if he doesn't.