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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm just not happy.

29 replies

BitTakenAback · 02/01/2025 01:06

I've been with my partner for three years. We are engaged and he moved in with me 14 months ago.

I have a background of abuse and childhood trauma which I've had therapy for. Whilst it's been good for giving me coping strategies and enables me to live a life that appears 'normal', its not the same as not have experienced abuse in the first place.

I'm also autistic and suspected to have adhd (although unassessed).

I'm just not happy.

I've made a few posts about specific situations/feelings on here in that time. I've been really honest about my version of events, things ive said and his responses. Whilst there have been s few LTBs, the majority of people have felt that a lot of my feelings/responses are trauma responses and that there is a lot of evidence that he loves me very much. This is the general opinion of our friends and both our families too.

I've reflected and used positive self talk and essentially battled with myself to make it work but I feel that I've just become smaller and smaller in my own life.

I don't feel like I matter at all. I don't believe he is attracted to me. I can give examples of why the former is probably not accurate but I can't find evidence against the latter other than "he's with you, isn't he?"

We went out for NYE and it all came to a bit of a head. It was horrible. We had a conversation about it today and I feel its just been swept under the carpet (as always).

I'm devastated.

I'm 49. I've never had a good relationship. I thought this could be a good one. Statistically at least it should have been.

But I'm not happy. I'm unhappy.

We came to bed tonight. He spent a couple of hours watching a TV series on his phone, turned the light off and flinched when he accidentally touched me, didn't say good night and went to sleep.

I feel like an empty shell of a person.

And very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
BitTakenAback · 02/01/2025 12:37

mumda

I don't know.

And that's the problem.

I wouldn't care about being 'good enough' anymore and everything that comes with that and all the times it rears its ugly head. Until I started to feel the pain of never feeling good enough again. There just wouldn't be a named person it bothered me in relation to anymore.

I know I'd feel relieved initially because my inner voice would pat me on the head, feel validated and be silenced. But would I regret it in the longer term? I don't know.

Would I be happier overall? That's what I don't know.

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 02/01/2025 12:40

BitTakenAback · 02/01/2025 11:32

This is exactly how I'm feeling about it all.

I bought a book on the critical inner voice after it was recommended to me on here previously. I've got books on inner child stuff. But I find it all so difficult.

How do I know if my inner voice is right or wrong? How can I know what of what it says is right and what is wrong?

Eg

My partner has told me many times that he had feelings for me since the first time we met which was three years ebforenwe gpt together. This has been confirmed to me by friends he confided in at the time who were really excited for us when we got together with jokes about how pleased they were because it had got really boring listening to how wonderful i was for three years.

But, last year, he told me that he'd 'never seen me in 'that way'. It wasn't an argument. I remember it coming pretty much out of the blue after we'd been out to celebrate his friends' wedding so we were just chatting about relationships in general. He was driving so hadn't been drinking.

He can't explain why he said this or what he meant by it but denies that he meant he'd never had feelings for me.

The best he can come up with is that it was probably a clumsy way of saying he didn't ever expect us to he together.

So what do I do? Because my inner voice repeats it to me constantly. It's affected our sex life in that we don't really have sex anymore.

Not because I can't cope with the thought he wasn't enamoured with me from the start but because both of those things can't be true. So one of them is a lie and the lie has derailed me mentally and i feel stuck in a loop.

So I keep coming back to logic.

Logically, it would make no sense that he told several of his closest friends that he had feelings for me but didn't think he stood a chance with me for three years before we got together if it weren't true.

But then why lie and say the opposite?

We all know some men will lie to make a woman think he is more interested than he is but why would you lie to make out you were less interested and disagree with everything you've previously said enthusiastically?

It just doesn't make sense.

He hasn't benefitted from the lie in any way. If his intention was to make me try harder, it's failed because I've all but withdrawn completely. And yet he never complains about the lack of sex either. He initiates, I refuse, he accepts. No sulking. No negatives. Nothing. So none of it makes any sense.

Show quote history

It sounds really hard for you because you're relying on logic to try and make sense of a human relationship, but relationships don't usually operate on the basis of strict logic in that sort of way. Is this the neurodivergence in operation, it's not something I'm very experienced with? . It sounds like a real torment for you, OP, I really feel for you. And your low self worth sounds very harsh for you to have to live with too, all that negative self talk. Would you consider finding a therapist who understands neurodivergence who could support you? You deserve a fulfilling life and to think well of yourself

Fortheloveofaboy · 02/01/2025 14:18

Neurodiversity and trauma has the same effect really I believe. We don’t grow our inner selves. We look at the world as a child does, black and white, right and wrong. We can’t rationalise ourselves through relationships. We are supposed to feel ourselves through them only we don’t have this skill. When you look at relationships you need to think about which eyes are you viewing through. A child, one who believes that they can control how others view us, our worth comes from others, we become dependent. Or adult eyes, one who can exist without the acceptance of others, who can understand the complexity of humans. Children spilt people into good and bad like fairytales when in actual fact we are all a mix of them both. Your happiness is not dependant on others and no one can be good enough to keep us balanced, we have to do this.

Fortheloveofaboy · 02/01/2025 14:24

I have ADHD but the way and it is a minefield! It’s taken a lot for me to realise that I actually matter and I’m just as important as everyone else.

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