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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated 20 years ago

45 replies

ShyGirl1 · 01/01/2025 19:47

20 years ago before we were married, I got drunk and slept w my husband’s best friend / roommate. At the time, he definitely had his suspicions but we denied it (seemed like the best idea at the time).

fast forward - we are in an amazing place right now - a great life, and an amazing sex life. Neither of us would have ever imagined the quality or quantity of our sex would have ever been like this - we’re trying new things out and are very open to what’s working or not working.

my hubs recently said he wants me to have a bit of an alter ego - fun!! But when I was “in character” he tells me that he wants to hear what happened that night w his friend (as we’re having sex) bc he’s always been curious and sometimes when he thinks about it, it turns him on

it struck a nerve bc this hasn’t been brought up - ever - I again said that what he’s assumed happened is far from the truth.

I am at a loss here!!

OP posts:
K8ate · 01/01/2025 19:55

He obviously knows about what happened.
At the end of the day, he now feels comfortable enough to embrace it as it was so long ago.
You may as well let him get the benefits of it as well.

lightsandtunnels · 01/01/2025 19:59

Hmm I'm not sure I'd say much!

Sometimes you think you want to know something and then when you find out you realise you wish you hadn't found out! It could backfire on both of you and become a problem for him (and you) so I'd be cautious.

You could say it was a drunken fumble (though it depends on what you denied at the time) but after 20 years the recollection is a little hazy at best and try to change the subject or make something else up instead!

StopStartStop · 01/01/2025 20:01

Stick to your story - nothing happened.

Gggglinda · 01/01/2025 20:02

Don't say anything. Once the sex is over and he isn't turned on anymore and sits and reflects, he's going to feel very betrayed by you. A) for doing it & B) for lying to him for 20 years.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 01/01/2025 20:12

Whatever he says he doesn’t want to know really. You’ve been faithful and happy for 20 years. If that one time two decades ago wasn’t just a mistake you would have strayed again at some point surely. You made a mistake and learnt from it. But he might start to feel the happy life you’ve built has all been a lie or that there have been others, and that’s simply not true.
If it’d been a long affair, there had been multiple instances of cheating or it had been recent I’d be saying something different. But on this occasion I think that you both have everything to lose and nothing to gain by this revelation at this point.

Bobbing46 · 01/01/2025 20:15

Gggglinda · 01/01/2025 20:02

Don't say anything. Once the sex is over and he isn't turned on anymore and sits and reflects, he's going to feel very betrayed by you. A) for doing it & B) for lying to him for 20 years.

This. Say nothing

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/01/2025 20:16

Don't go there... he's using your new found sexual exploits as an excuse to revisit this topic. Say nothing. It will be the end of your relationship if you do.

Lavender14 · 01/01/2025 20:18

Gggglinda · 01/01/2025 20:02

Don't say anything. Once the sex is over and he isn't turned on anymore and sits and reflects, he's going to feel very betrayed by you. A) for doing it & B) for lying to him for 20 years.

This is my thinking too. Normally I'm in camp honesty is the best policy. But 20 years later I don't think there's anything to be gained from it here.

To be honest I think that's quite a manipulative thing for him to do and I'd not be comfortable with it.

Bakedpotatoes · 01/01/2025 20:19

Oh no OP, this is a horrid trap. As PP says, he will wallow in this when no longer turned on, absolutely do NOT understand any circumstances reveal this to him.

HidingFromDD · 01/01/2025 20:19

I have an amazing ability to get people to ‘confess’ things by making out I’m cool with it. Was a particularly useful skill when OLD and getting men to fess up to wives/gf. I used it when I had a niggling doubt and was always right. It was, however, a dealbreaker.

if this is something you think would ultimately help your marriage and connection, you may want to consider discussing with a therapist first. How would you feel if he was heartbroken by you confirming something he’d always suspected and who would it benefit

tediber · 01/01/2025 20:21

I think he's pretending he's turned on and wants to know the truth. Keep schtum it's honestly not worth the risk of upsetting a happy marriage!

DiegoVanDamme · 01/01/2025 20:21

StopStartStop · 01/01/2025 20:01

Stick to your story - nothing happened.

This This THIS!! and in case you missed it THIS!!!

wizzywig · 01/01/2025 20:22

ITS A TRICK! DONT FALL FOR IT

Paradoes · 01/01/2025 20:23

Keep absolutely Schtum

mean of him to do this

pizzaHeart · 01/01/2025 20:25

Gggglinda · 01/01/2025 20:02

Don't say anything. Once the sex is over and he isn't turned on anymore and sits and reflects, he's going to feel very betrayed by you. A) for doing it & B) for lying to him for 20 years.

This^ 100%

nonbinaryfinery · 01/01/2025 20:26

This is either a cuckold troll, or OP is about to learn that her husband is an actual cuckold - which he IS technically, since she and his best mate shagged.

Pinkissmart · 01/01/2025 20:27

wizzywig · 01/01/2025 20:22

ITS A TRICK! DONT FALL FOR IT

This

notacooldad · 01/01/2025 20:29

My initial thought is that he is setting a trap for you.
Keep that thought with you and don't fall for it.

JustRollWithIt · 01/01/2025 20:30

Poor guy, this has obviously been playing on his mind ever since. That said, don't risk ruining what you have together and your 20 year marriage. Stick to the story.

Munchyseeds2 · 01/01/2025 20:30

Do NOT do this, no matter what he says.

ItsAMario · 01/01/2025 20:32

I would hazard a guess that it has either been playing on his mind and this is his way of trying to trap you or his best friend has suddenly developed a conscience/told someone and your husband knows.

Whatdoido11 · 01/01/2025 20:32

I’m all for honesty but I say do NOT tell him. Nothing to be gained and everything to lose. this is a trap, once he’s no longer turned on he’ll reflect. Men think after they’ve had sex.

dont do it.

Gcsunnyside23 · 01/01/2025 20:33

It's a trap!! Don't tell him now, I'm not usually on the cheaters dude but it was 20 years ago. No good can come from this conversation

Original poster
ShyGirl1 · 01/01/2025 20:39

Thank you everyone! I felt this was something best kept to myself as well!!

OP posts:
Bringonchristmas36 · 01/01/2025 20:41

Yes say nothing!!