I cheated 20 years ago

[ShyGirl1]

20 years ago before we were married, I got drunk and slept w my husband’s best friend / roommate. At the time, he definitely had his suspicions but we denied it (seemed like the best idea at the time).

fast forward - we are in an amazing place right now - a great life, and an amazing sex life. Neither of us would have ever imagined the quality or quantity of our sex would have ever been like this - we’re trying new things out and are very open to what’s working or not working.

my hubs recently said he wants me to have a bit of an alter ego - fun!! But when I was “in character” he tells me that he wants to hear what happened that night w his friend (as we’re having sex) bc he’s always been curious and sometimes when he thinks about it, it turns him on

it struck a nerve bc this hasn’t been brought up - ever - I again said that what he’s assumed happened is far from the truth.

I am at a loss here!!

I don't think it's a trick. I'd own up.

Stick to your story - it's a trap!

He wants you to admit it and then I suspect he'll go mad.

You don't seem guilty over shagging his best mate and I'm not sure we needed to all that extra guff.

You don’t really deserve him - but deep down you already know that.

I can only imagine how the reverse if this thread would have gone - poor chap.

If he knows you're on mumsnet, he'll be lurking here. I'd get this taken down.

What you did to him was really bad. Telling him could destroy your relationship, even though he has a right to know.

He clearly knows that you fucked his best mate. I’d guess his ‘best mate’ told him some point in the past.

He will know if you are lying; and it’s a manipulative way of getting you to confess.

unfortunately; there isn’t a best case scenario here, you nearly always get found out if you cheat , it just comes down to whether or not you want to own up to your actions.

Of course he knows - he’s not stupid.
Let him at least enjoy it now for what it is - something in the past.
It’s hardly going to break up a 20 year marriage.

Stick to your story. This was something that should have come out 20 years ago, not now. If this is dug up now, it will come out in every fall out, not just the act of cheating, but the fact you lied all these years.

It’s hardly going to break up a 20 year marriage.
I'm not so sure. I think if he found out for sure from Op it will play on his mind and not in a good way.

Has he asked in the meantime and you've maintained the denial or has it been left alone? I mean between initial incident and this time asking?

I think it's understandable you lied when he asked you in the circumstances he did but I'm honestly not sure about if he asks you seriously now. I wouldn't confess as part of some sexual game but if he's really been wondering about this and wants to know, I'm not sure I agree with just sticking to your story.

If he really wants a descriptive account of you having sex with someone else then tell him about a boyfriend before you met him and who he doesn't know. If it's only the description of sex with his friend that he wants then you are being set up. If it's been knawing away for 20 years it's going be an issue if you confess. He obviously doesn't believe your denial and he wants validation. It won't end there though. It never does.

My husband confessed to something similar 3 years ago. It wasn’t the act it’s self but the 20 years of lying. I would probably of left him at the time. Instead I’ve been tricked into a life I wouldn’t have had, with a man that I don’t trust. We will divorce this year. I honestly think that this is the worst betrayal and for your sake your husband actually is ok with it because I’m not ok with it.
maybe we would have worked through it at the time, we had small children, but I wasn’t given the chance.
I will add like many posters here all I have heard from my husband is - it’s not relevant it was a long time ago. Well that is not the case. If you find out at the time usually the cheating spouse has some kind of consequences for their actions like having an open phone, not going out getting drunk, measures put in place to make the betrayed feel safe but I suppose at a small cost to the cheating spouse.
My whole adult life was built on a foundation of lies just like your husband’s. I wouldn’t have married him, that is for sure.
I don’t know what you should do, but knowing what I know now and the devastation this has caused me, if I’d done something like that I wouldn’t want it on my conscience.
I agree it is probably a trap, and I would ask does he actually want to know.
if you do tell him don’t minimise is it’s a raw as if it happened yesterday when I found out. We may have survived it if my husband had realised that and put in the work and reassurance I needed - he has just rig swept. I have tried to get over it but I can’t 20 years of lying is too much for me. The trust is well and truly shattered.

My experience is very similar to @Questionsquestions23. My husband confessed after 25 years - l didn't have a clue - he just wanted to avoid going to pergatory (catholic) and wanted to be forgiven.

Unfortunately it changed the way l felt about him and l felt he had taken away my right to make informed choices about my life. He didn't have the emotional empathy or maturity to see the impact and felt as he had been a good husband ( in his eyes) l should have been able to see past it.

I was so disappointed in him and couldn't continue in the marriage. After a lengthy divorce battle l am out the other side now and very relieved to be out of the marriage.

Your husband deserved the truth at the time and it sounds like he knows something went on. So while you carry on denying it, you have an unexploded bomb in your marriage. This will have an impact as deep down he doesn't trust you.

If you do decide to be honest, then make sure you both have support - maybe something like a good couples counsellor to help you both. You must be prepared to face a range of very strong emotions from him and not to minimise or downplay the event or the keeping it secret.

The difference is that he clearly already knows.

I agree with not minimising. Don't be on tenterhooks but do have a rough plan for if asked seriously as it may come in up.

If it happens, I would come clean, offer the explanation that you were drunk etc and at the time made the bad decision of thinking it best not to be honest and have decided to live with that. But as PP says, do not rug sweep. I wouldn't go into any sexual details at all if that's what he asks. Fine not to remember those after 20 years and one drunken shag (goodness knows I wouldn't be able to offer a clear account of some nights from that time). This is why I ask was it a one off lie or it came up again. I'd say it was a bit different if you've looked him in the eye more recently and lied.

I would suggest counselling and make clear you're serious about working through it but it won't be discussed during sex. You fucked up but are allowed boundaries and respect as much as he is.

My husband didn’t give me any details - not only what they got up to but what was the lead up to it - like chatting in the bar etc. I wanted the details and it made it 10x harder not having them. My husband is so angry with me as I’ve been so upset about it - he didn’t get at all why I was so upset which of course is the worst thing. He called me names and much worse. The divorce is happening now but I really feel after the initial D Day some 20years later, if he’s handled it better we could have got past it.
There was much I wanted to discuss about it and of course other things which come up - like there was one other time he could have seen her at a party- I know she wasn’t there but I remember my husband insisted I didn’t go and stayed home with the kids as it was too far for them to travel to….. these things need to be discussed to move forward.

so OP if/when you tell he be absolutely as open and honest as you can be, it will lead on to other questions which may not seem relevant to you but if they are to him, answer them. Do everything you can to reassure him. Obviously don’t make yourself ill but it’s 2-5 years for healing apparently and you’ll have to put the work in. I actually think in these situations it could be longer as the amout of time you’ve lied for. But have a look on surviving infidelity website and educate yourself as much as you can on how to help him. I wish someone had helped my husband to help me. I’m devastated we will divorce. It’s not what I wanted but he’s not made it right. I can’t heal because of the way he’s handled it - there are other factors of course but that’s probably the biggest issue.

so educate yourself before you do anything and be super ready to support him. Good luck

I find the hypocrisy on this forum illuminating.

You cheated with this best friend and have lied and continue to lie to cover it up. You relationship has a foundation of deceit and lies. You should be ashamed. It wasn’t just a kiss.

This poor man clearly knows what happened and it’s eating away at him but you sit there sniggering at the edges with your deceit. It’s shocking.

20 years of lies. Something to be proud of.

Sounds an awful experience, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean gloss over the details entirely, to be clear. I meant if he's initially approached it as some sort of sexual fetish for whatever reason claiming to want to know that level of detail for gratification purposes, I don't think she needs to go that far. Just approximately what happened, when and where etc (as in was it full sex etc), any communications before or after, that kind of thing. Not salacious detail as he was talking about.

I agree with you 100%, but the post is textbook cuckold fetish porn, and men who like this stuff DO exist even though it's really bloody weird.

If this is something that is still messing with his head 20 years later then I think he deserves to know the truth. At the moment your whole relationship is based on a lie. I certainly wouldn't be telling him during sex, but I think he should know the truth.