Am I the problem?

[JJLondon]

I'm so fed up of fighting with my partner. I like to think I'm incredibly tolerant and understanding but he always manages to make out like it's me causing the issues and maybe it is, would really like some honest opinions.
We have a 13 month old together and so far I've only been out one night for a few hours. Every other time he's made it very difficult for me to leave, either he says he'd prefer if I stayed or makes out like he has no idea what he's doing so I worry our son won't be ok with him alone. At the beginning of the Christmas holidays I said why don't we each have a day where we get three hours to go and do whatever we want to get some personal time in as it's tough with a little one. This never happened and he stopped me leaving whenever I tried to go out (just to the shops etc). We had a conversation and he said he doesn't stop me and of course I need time out. This morning I said I'm going to tesco, came back an hour later and he was in a shitty mood with me that's lasted all day. Even when he does let me go out he's in such a horrible mood when I get back that it makes me not want to leave anymore. He can't see how controlling he is and when I brought it up he was outraged and said I make him sound like a monster so I end up apologising. He's now taken our son to his parents for the afternoon to give me some time, but I only ever get this when he's pissed off with me. It's never, I'll take him to my folks so you go have fun, it only results from an argument.
I'm scared of the thought of being a single parent, I have no family nearby and we recently moved closer to his work and away from my friends. I'm feeling incredibly isolated and lonely.

goodness he sounds unpleasant op

presumably he goes out and socialises?

do you work?

was he controlling pre baby?

How does he stop you leaving the house???

You just keep going out. Ignore his shitty moods. He's banking on you giving up and just staying in. Do not do this.

@ForOliveOP yes he socialises, Christmas parties, gigs etc. He was a little controlling before but nothing i thought was too concerning. I do work, mostly from home but office 1 day a week.

@Notimeforaname he stops me by saying that there's things he needs to do, either in the house or out of it, so I'm with our son while he does whatever. Or if I mention that I'm about to pop out he gets moody or says can't it wait. He never physically stops me or gets violent.

Sending solidarity, I also have a 13 month old. It’s tiring! Your partner doesn’t sound very considerate of you, and seems very controlling with his bad moods. I would be having a serious discussion with him about your needs and what needs to change moving forwards. You are not being unreasonable and do not start doubting yourself. He is very much in the wrong here.

Please be mindful of different types of control and minimising or normalising it. You say he’s been ‘ a bit controlling ‘ before. People can be controlling without being violent. It sounds like he is trying to assert control over your behaviour by being moody and difficult, which makes you decide to not go out. This is concerning. Take care of yourself.

There are many red flags re this man and sadly you have minimised this to your social and emotional detriment. It may only be a matter of time before he physically tries to stop you from going out particularly if he decides his current level of controlling you is not working. And I would up your time in the office from just one day a week if possible.

You are already a single parent in all but name already and I would start planning my exit from this with due care. He likely was the instigator in moving you away so isolating you further from your support network and that is a tactic that controlling men often employ. Reach out to your parents and tell them precisely what is happening here.

Such controlling behaviour is rooted in abuse. This is no environment for you or for your child. You and your current partner now need to be apart - and permanently. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He thinks you're going to run off with another man or get chatted up on one of your social occasions.

Do not let your son grow up thinking that his dad's behaviour towards you as his mother is at all acceptable. Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and seek advice from Womens Aid. Do not remain with him going forward whatever you decide; he is Mr Wrong.

He knows what he is doing here and does not care. This is all deliberate on his part and he has also decided to embark on his own private based way against you.

Just keep going out and doing what you need to when you need to. He can get moody but don't allow yourself to be controlled.

how long have you been with him op? is he the one with the vicious dog?

The people you’d be going out with…. won’t they support you?

Moodiness is a further example of emotional abuse. Never forget that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. So your relationship OP to him is really over. Do not further become a rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

What's his answer when you ask him why he gets so moody when you go out?

If it were me, I'd be telling him straight that if he did it one more time he or I would be leaving. And stick to it

Or if I mention that I'm about to pop out he gets moody or says can't it wait. He never physically stops me or gets violent.

That's when you simply say "No, it can't wait, see you later!"

Am so sorry. This state of affairs sounds horrendous. Where on earth does he get the idea that only one of the two parents has to do all the parenting?

You know, and he knows, that you’re not going to leave your child with him when he’s angry. You also wont subject your child to being bathed or put to bed by an angry man. So you need his approval and permission to go out don’t you.

You’ve seen who he is. He thinks he owns you and has the right to grant or deny you freedom as if you’re a slave. You need to leave him and go home asap. And stop priding yourself on being incredibly tolerant. Putting up with unreasonable behaviour isn’t something to ever be proud of.

You are a single parent already OP his actions make you one .
He is abusive and controlling
His actions are not those of a loving respectful spouse and father.
He won’t change he enjoys the control too much.
You would be sensible to rethink this relationship

He's a classic abuser. Coercive control is abusive. Plus, how unattractive, being unable to look after his own dc.

I'd make plans to leave him.

Unfortunately, you ignored the controlling signs he displayed before you had a baby.

He's now getting more controlling .

He's not going to change,as that's who he is.

Read up on controlling relationships.

Well done on recognizing that this isn’t right and starting to see that he’s being abusive. It can be difficult in the throes of new parenthood to see the wood for the trees, but you have done it. I think you need to do some planning around being a single parent. Look into the benefits you’d be entitled to. Maybe consider moving back to where your family and friends are. It sounds like this is what’s holding you back from taking the steps you know are in your long term best interests. Millions of women manage as single parents, I’m sure you can too.

Keep your cards close to your chest, but start looking for your path out.

Also, consider The Freedom Program. “He was a little controlling before but nothing i thought was too concerning.” is, unfortunately, a little naive. Any amount of controlling should be a big red flag.

Text book domestic abuse here. He’s attempting to control and isolate you and it’s working. He’s sadly not going to change though as he doesn’t recognise his behaviour as abusive. The question you therefore need to ask yourself is whether you’re happy for things to remain as they are, or get worse, as behaviour like this often escalates with time.

This needs addressing urgently.
You are smack bang in the middle of a controlling and coercive relationship.

Please start asking for support in real life. This is not you. It is him. It can and is likely to get worse. Start by telling those you trust that he is preventing you from going out and socialising and you are feeling isolated.

Do not have any more children whatever you do.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. It's tough to hear but I appreciate it. I was holding out hope that the move would change things but it really hasn't.
@ForOliveOP we've been together 2.5 years. His dog has now been rehomed thankfully. My friends would support as much as they could and some know what's going on, but they're all half an hour away now.
@Notimeforaname his answer for the moodiness is that our ds has been a "nightmare" and he could have done with my help.
@Plastictrees thank you, congratulations, 13 months is tough isn't it! He's such a joyful child so it makes it manageable. I was worried it would sound silly to people, control with sulking doesn't sound like a big deal but he knows I'll think twice about popping out if he acts up.

in your own words Op, the advice you gave another poster on a different at exactly the same time as you started this thread

I always think about how the kids are learning that it's ok to be treated like a doormat or spoken down to or taken advantage of. If one of your daughters came to you and said their partner was treating them like this what would your response be?