Am I the problem?

[JJLondon]

I'm so fed up of fighting with my partner. I like to think I'm incredibly tolerant and understanding but he always manages to make out like it's me causing the issues and maybe it is, would really like some honest opinions.
We have a 13 month old together and so far I've only been out one night for a few hours. Every other time he's made it very difficult for me to leave, either he says he'd prefer if I stayed or makes out like he has no idea what he's doing so I worry our son won't be ok with him alone. At the beginning of the Christmas holidays I said why don't we each have a day where we get three hours to go and do whatever we want to get some personal time in as it's tough with a little one. This never happened and he stopped me leaving whenever I tried to go out (just to the shops etc). We had a conversation and he said he doesn't stop me and of course I need time out. This morning I said I'm going to tesco, came back an hour later and he was in a shitty mood with me that's lasted all day. Even when he does let me go out he's in such a horrible mood when I get back that it makes me not want to leave anymore. He can't see how controlling he is and when I brought it up he was outraged and said I make him sound like a monster so I end up apologising. He's now taken our son to his parents for the afternoon to give me some time, but I only ever get this when he's pissed off with me. It's never, I'll take him to my folks so you go have fun, it only results from an argument.
I'm scared of the thought of being a single parent, I have no family nearby and we recently moved closer to his work and away from my friends. I'm feeling incredibly isolated and lonely.

Do you work OP? If not, i think this needs to be a priority. For you to be carving out some independence

I think the move was a mistake and has left you more isolated and more dependent on this guy.

If you're staying, you need to develop a tough skin and stop letting him manipulate you. Just go out as you plan. Every single time. Ignore his moods. Every single time. Never let him succeed in keeping you in the house.

But honestly, he's going to wear you down, he's already started. Life shouldn't be an ongoing battle with your partner.

I think you should move back on your own.

What do you want to do OP?
see a friend for coffee? go out for lunch? go to the gym? go out for dinner? go to the pub? a combination? how often? does he have a problem with any and all of it?

This is not normal at all and you are not the problem. He doesn't want to parent his child and is seeking to control you in order to avoid it. He is using manipulation as a way of controlling you. Personally he sounds like a prick and I think you'd be well rid but if you want to try and salvage things I think you need to sit him down and call him out on all this behaviour. Make it very clear that if he doesn't sort it out you will be leaving and them he will have to do 50% of the parenting alone rather than the odd bedtime and Saturday afternoon.

Just go out when you're both in with baby. Do whatever he would do when popping out , say the exact words ( or not) and just go.
I can't fathom how it gets to this stage but it needs nipping in the bud.

This is coercive control. He may or may not realise the extent of what he's doing, but it's not acceptable regardless. I would call him on his behaviour - 'I'm going out to get groceries in about an hour. I'll be gone for an hour or so. I don't want to come back to you in a shitty mood because you can't care for your own child for an hour, so let's start planning now to ensure you can manage while I'm away. This is what he can eat, here are his favourite toys, you could put XYZ on the tv, he likes is when you (favourite activity)...' etc. Bring the issue to the forefront and help him work out how to be a parent for the short time he's expected to step up.

I agree thst if she stays she needs to shine a light on his behaviour.

But I don't think she should be acting as though childcare is something only she understands and he needs explaining to him. It's buying into his manipulative narrative.

He doesn't need her to spoonfeed him how to look after their child. It'll just lead to her always having to set everything up and probably him calling her every five minutes to ask her something and therefore spoiling any time out she gets. It'll allow him to weaponise feigned incompetence.

He's a full grown adult man who is perfectly capable of looking after his own child. She needs to treat him like that.

I was going to post earlier.
People who have been betrayed have Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, which can be treated and mitigated via an experienced specialised counsellor.
Good luck...

I totally get you. If my DH is going shopping he asks what I want, then ask me to text it. WHY can’t he get his phone out and make a note on the shopping list he keeps on it.