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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Life not turned out way I hoped

48 replies

Donemum · 01/01/2025 12:58

Happy new year to you all...

I'm starting my new year with a trashed house, a severe headache (through no fault of my own) and plenty of regrets.

I've been married for 14 years together 16 and I genuinely cannot understand how I've managed to get myself into this mess.!!? My husband (or ex) has finally went to far with me and I cannot physically do this anymore! After a really bad argument last night where he brought up all the rows etc from the past 14 plus years I've woke up 5 to him havinfg emptied my house. All the contents of my kitchen are gone he's left me and the kids with nothing. I've just found our supposed dinner for tonight outside where the cats and foxes etc could get it. I just do not understand why he would do this it's not me he's hurting it's his children 🤷
I've been abused and controlled for years finally last night I told him I wasn't doing it anymore and this is his revenge. He's trashed my house and emptied my kitchen then took off. I do not know what to do now where to turn what to do. I'm so sick or this life if I'm being honest it it wasnt for my children I would just disappear I'm so so sick of life. Am I really this bad a person to have lucked out with this life 🙁 I'm just so devastated for my kids that this is their life.

Sorry for long post but I don't have No1 in RL to talk to and I'm just completely lost.

OP posts:
iamnotalemon · 01/01/2025 13:02

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sure others will be along shortly with actual advice but I hope you're ok x

midgetastic · 01/01/2025 13:09

Get locks changed quickly

Original poster
Donemum · 01/01/2025 13:12

midgetastic · 01/01/2025 13:09

Get locks changed quickly

We are in a joint council property so I doubt I'll be able to do that unfortunately

OP posts:
Miley1967 · 01/01/2025 13:16

Be glad he's gone.
Try to get the tenancy into your name only. Speak to womens aid or similar for advice.
If you claim UC then get that switched to a single claim asap.
Ask for replacement stuff on freecycle, or see if any charities that you can apply to for a grant to get new stuff.

FamilyPhoto · 01/01/2025 13:16

Has he assulted you op ? Is that why you have a headache ? If so report him to the police.

RandomMess · 01/01/2025 13:18

Apply for an occupation order and report the violence and coercive control to the police.

Flowers
Seaoftroubles · 01/01/2025 13:19

So sorry this has happened to you, he has behaved despicably to trash your kitchen and throw out all your food. It really shows what an immature and selfish man he is as obviously his actions impact on your kids too. I was going to say get locks changed too but see you're in a council property. For now just clean up as best you can, has he left you any food or has it all gone? I also suggest to speak to Women's Aid for support and advice.

Original poster
Donemum · 01/01/2025 13:20

I'll be contacting council when they reopen Monday and asking if I can change the tenancy to my name only same with uc. I haven't worked for years since having the children ( wasn't allowed) but that will definitely be changing in my 2025 as I want to provide for my kids without handouts.

Yes he assaulted me @FamilyPhoto ive called police but they've not arrived as of yet they're busy according to operator and as he's currently not here atm I'm not in any immediate danger iykwim

Thank you all for your support

OP posts:
Original poster
Donemum · 01/01/2025 13:22

Seaoftroubles · 01/01/2025 13:19

So sorry this has happened to you, he has behaved despicably to trash your kitchen and throw out all your food. It really shows what an immature and selfish man he is as obviously his actions impact on your kids too. I was going to say get locks changed too but see you're in a council property. For now just clean up as best you can, has he left you any food or has it all gone? I also suggest to speak to Women's Aid for support and advice.

Everything is gone or spoiled. He's literally emptied like my pantry of tins spare pasta etc my kitchen is unrecognisable. I've been advised the 101 call handler lady not to tidy at the moment until the police come and see me as they obviously want to be able to see everything if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 01/01/2025 13:23

Keep calm and make a plan for your children's sake if nothing else. Take photos. Write everything down while it's still fresh in your memory. Is there anyone you can contact for short term help?

Paradisegained · 01/01/2025 13:24

Donemum · 01/01/2025 13:12

We are in a joint council property so I doubt I'll be able to do that unfortunately

Show quote history

Report the damage etc to the police immediately - it’s a paper trail of nothing else. Document and photograph everything. Evidence is the key now. As hard as it is - box up your emotions and be cynical. Change the locks. Don’t contact him except matter of fact. Eg could you explain why our food has been trashed and left outside by text? See him up like a kipper. Get the evidence you need. Imagine all your texts and emails from now on are going to be read by a judge. Don’t lower yourself, take a high road.

NewDogOwner · 01/01/2025 13:24

He's gone. New year; new life. He has done you a favour. Change his name on your phone to 'Abusive ex' and start to plan a new happy life.

Paradisegained · 01/01/2025 13:26

Take photos and videos of everything he has done, provide a running commentary on your video including the date and time and what happened. Call the police back - tell them again he attacked you and you and the children aren’t safe.

fiddleleaffig · 01/01/2025 13:28

If he has assaulted you you need to apply for an occupation order via the courts. You can then change the locks (the police should advise you to do this as well when they visit). You can also apply for a single UC claim now.
I know it's shit right now, and really fucking hard, but take a deep breath - it will be okay. Get in touch with friends, family etc and reach out for support because it will be a bumpy few weeks. Get in touch with the local food bank to sort out some dinner for tonight.
He has done you a favour really, 2025 is gonna be your year to shine.

CombatBarbie · 01/01/2025 13:30

I am 5 months on from where you are op. Don't hold back with the police, ensure you tell them this has been happening for years.

It does get easier and as soon as police charge him with Sect 1, your life becomes alot easier in terms of getting tenancy issues and banking sorted!!

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/01/2025 13:32

I'm so sorry. But - 2025 is your year. You are starting it in a traumatic way, but I suspect this time next year you will so bloody glad you did. You seize your life with both bloody hands and live the fuck out of it without this absolute waste of air dragging you down.

DustyLee123 · 01/01/2025 13:33

Make sure child benefit is going into your own account

Original poster
Donemum · 01/01/2025 13:38

Thank you all for your lovely comments. I don't know why but I thought I would get a load of stick posting here maybe thats just that way my mind is thinking atm.

I've photographed everything down tl the last detail. I've also called police back and told them I'm scared incase he comes back they've assured me someone will be out to see me today. I appreciate the advice re how to get a court order etc it seems like such a daunting process but as a previous poster said I've got to remind myself that this hasn't just happened it's been ongoing for years.... How Ivr put up with it ill never no the old me certainly wouldn't have 🤷 makes me sad that w this is the person I've become.

Unfortunately I have no family my mum died years ago didn't know my dad. All friends have dwindled away over the years daresay they could probably see what I couldn't, so I really do appreciate you all talking to me the now

OP posts:
Judellie · 01/01/2025 13:42

So sorry this has happened, what an awful person he is. I bet there are people in real life but he has isolated you from them?
Depending on where you are, the council might be open tomorrow, I know Gateshead is and South Tyneside isn't. Sending hugs to you.

DancingFerret · 01/01/2025 13:44

What a nasty vindictive piece of work he is.

While you wait for the police, it might be worth seeing if you can get some advice here:

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Original poster
Donemum · 01/01/2025 13:46

Judellie · 01/01/2025 13:42

So sorry this has happened, what an awful person he is. I bet there are people in real life but he has isolated you from them?
Depending on where you are, the council might be open tomorrow, I know Gateshead is and South Tyneside isn't. Sending hugs to you.

Yes your completely right I used to have a really big circle now I have No1 part from my kids. I never even realised it tbh it just all fell to ashes if that makes sense. I'm in Scotland so tomorrow is a bank holiday tomorrow aswell local council etc opened again Monday. I'm hoping police will be able to help when they eventually come. I'm a bit desperate atm x

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/01/2025 13:46

Call Women's Aid, they may be able to give you a number of a food bank you can access urgently. Do you need medical attention? Did dc witness the argument and his attack?

CombatBarbie · 01/01/2025 13:49

Op don't worry about the occupation order as that will take time. Once he's arrested and charged it's highly likely he will be bailed with conditions not to contact you pending court case. Womens aid are great with sorting police markers, security devices etc.

Universal credit you can actually do as a single person now online.

My ex accidentally called me (still on bail) he was arrested and charged and released on bail (again).

Seaoftroubles · 01/01/2025 13:49

It's hard to process now but this is a new start for you OP, the trash has taken himself out and you are finally free of him. lm glad you have notified the police and taken photos, hopefully someone will be out soon to arrange some security for you. Sorry you are on your own with no family to help but keep posting if you need to, there lots of support and advice on here.

Original poster
Donemum · 01/01/2025 13:52

I've spoken to womens aid I done so before I came on here to talk. It's tricky becoz of the holidays etc but they've said once police come out and take statement etc theyll be able to help me with access to food etc I'm assuming that means social work which I was expecting tbh. I wish they would just come tho I feel so jittery atm.

Thankfully my 2 youngest children didn't witness anything my eldest did but I tried my best to shield her the best I can. She's the reason I called the police. I've be never ever done it before but somehow today her words finally hit the brain and I'm doing this just as much for her as I am for myself if that makes sense

OP posts: