Life not turned out way I hoped

[Donemum]

Happy new year to you all...

I'm starting my new year with a trashed house, a severe headache (through no fault of my own) and plenty of regrets.

I've been married for 14 years together 16 and I genuinely cannot understand how I've managed to get myself into this mess.!!? My husband (or ex) has finally went to far with me and I cannot physically do this anymore! After a really bad argument last night where he brought up all the rows etc from the past 14 plus years I've woke up 5 to him havinfg emptied my house. All the contents of my kitchen are gone he's left me and the kids with nothing. I've just found our supposed dinner for tonight outside where the cats and foxes etc could get it. I just do not understand why he would do this it's not me he's hurting it's his children 🤷
I've been abused and controlled for years finally last night I told him I wasn't doing it anymore and this is his revenge. He's trashed my house and emptied my kitchen then took off. I do not know what to do now where to turn what to do. I'm so sick or this life if I'm being honest it it wasnt for my children I would just disappear I'm so so sick of life. Am I really this bad a person to have lucked out with this life 🙁 I'm just so devastated for my kids that this is their life.

Sorry for long post but I don't have No1 in RL to talk to and I'm just completely lost.

I thought I'd shielded my kids, its becoming more apparent every day they saw and heard alot more than I thought. But we will heal and come out stronger xx you've got this!!

Thank you your right of course I just feel so very alone right now and also so scared of whats to come

@CombatBarbie yes your right my eldest seems to have shielded my younger ones more than I managed too. She's 13 but I seemed to have dropped the ball and she's been dealing with a lot more than I originally suspected. I never for a minute thought that the kids knew anything I tried my very best to protect them 😭

Op I know you're very much in the midst of getting physical safety and I hope that gets sorted soon but I just wanted to give some support for what happens next. I really recommend you all get counselling, when it comes to your daughter be prepared that she probably has taken on a lot of responsibility and that has a big impact.
As a parent you obviously have the debate of is it safer together or apart but as a child she will have experienced one parent who was awful and one who stayed. I don't say this to make you feel bad, I totally get it it. It's just because I want you to be prepared for what may come. Counselling or support through school will be vital to help her deal with it now and counselling for you will be so important too.

When cleaning up, try and gather as much information on finances as you can. Check your credit score, gather any banking information, anything that will help you during the divorce.

If you have limited income, many solicitors will give 1 hour consultation free. You can also check if you'd be eligible for legal aid.

I was that child that witnessed and knew everything even when my mum tried to hide it and protect us from it… BUT what you have done today is amazing and your daughter will be ever thankful for your strength to reach out to the police for help. Even if one day she is frustrated and doesn’t seem grateful, she’ll remember you fighting for her. Well done ❤️

Keep writing on here, there is always someone who is reading and supporting you from the distance. I am a 15 hour flight from Scotland away, but I am cheering you on even from here.

Thank you so much I honestly am crying with what you've wrote not in a bad way as u talk alot of sense. She already has a counsellor due to the death of her sibling a few years ago so I will have to confide in the counselling service at what has been going on at home so that she receives the correct support. I feel awfully guilty I genuinely have tried my very best to just be the best mum I can be but I've obviously failed tremendously on that part when it's been up to her to deal with. The whole thing is such a mess the last thing I ever wanted was to damage her or hurt her...

Thank you so much I really do appreciate it.

I need to get a grip of myself and concentrate on my kids as I will kit allow them to become another statisticm

In a joint council property he has equal access I’m afraid, the only way to stop that is to remove him from the tenancy, and if he refuses that the only way to do it is a court hearing.

I just do not understand why he would do this
[…]
I've been abused and controlled for years

You answered your own question, OP. He’s an abusive dick and you need to get away from him, nothing you can do will change what he is.

I’m sorry you and your children had such a terrible NYE, I hope 2025 is your year 🎆

Hello. Life hasn’t turned out how you thought it would up until now. You got this. Wishing you all the very best. 🦋

Yes your right I have answered my own question funny isn't it how you just don't get it even when your in the thick of it.

Thank you for your support I'm going to make sure that 2025 is gonna be a good one for myself and kids

Grasp this new start for yourself and your DC. Your council should also have a domestic violence team. They can advocate for you with other teams within the council eg small grants, council tax.

I don't work in the area of DV but sometimes come into contact with women who have fled. Take heart from how many are in so much better circumstances even just six months down the line.

New year, new start for all @Donemum.

I was your daughter too and she’ll be so proud of you for standing up to him.

My thoughts were for your immediate welfare.

• Are there any chains or bolts on the doors?
• Have you checked your personal bank accounts still have money in them?
• If you only have a joint account can you quickly get some cash out?
• Do you have food or access to food for the next couple of days?

OP I am so sorry for you. But today marks a new year and hopefully a much better one for you.

Someone said something once and I thought it was good advice (apologies if I have missed it here).

Put the key in the lock from the inside (if you can) they he won’t be able to open from the outside . It might make you feel a little better….

Big hugs.

You are doing a wonderful thing for your dc by using this new year to have a much calmer, happier chapter.

It may seem daunting now but the police will help you step by step. A restraining order or non mol order will be needed in due course.

Call the police if he returns. Lock all the doors. Bolt from the inside. Do not communicate with him from now on. Everything needs to be put in writing by email.

One day you will look back on the courageous young you and feel so glad you took this turning point to reach for a better life.

Oh bless you @Donemum an awful NY but likely the best thing as well. This is the hardest day - he’s done this because he got the message you were done and you’ve done the right thing involving the police. I know it’s totally shit but - you’ve got this and we are all here to listen, support and encourage you! Do you have any good neighbours?

Aw I don't think there is a right or wrong in these situations, you're just trying to do the right thing and it's not easy. One thing I would say is guilt only serves to make you stay trapped in your shame. As you say, you did the best you could, no one knows how to deal with these situations and there's a reason why it takes on average 7x to leave a DV relationship. It's easier said than done but letting yourself look forward rather than backwards (when you obviously get to a stage where you can) will help.

I was in your daughter's shoes and I can honestly say that having my mum realise her part and me realise why she made the choices she did has brought us closer than ever. I totally understand now why she made the choices she did in our situation and I can have so much empathy for her. Getting the counselling, being able to express our emotions and talk about things (it did take years for us it wasn't overnight) has lifted so much and now we holiday together, go on day trips and spend at least one day a week together.

I think you have amazing opportunities ahead, for you and your kids to get a fresh start and make the most of being free. I really hope for the best for you all ❤️

Please don't fear social care involvement if the police make a referral (which is likely) as they will support you. Just be honest with them and there will be no issues. Hopefully this will be a fresh start for you and the kids this year and whilst it will be difficult you know it's the right thing to do for you and the kids. Hope your head is better soon too.

Bit if he is charged and bailed he cannot enter the property. In court, the judge may well make it a condition he is removed from the tenancy.

Thank you everyone for your support and comments. Police have been and I have given my statement they are now going to track him down he'll likely be arrested I'm not sure what else will happen but they've told me to keep my doors locked and call 999 if he turns up here. They've also sent a referral to social work which I kinda thought they would anyway I don't know when I'll hear from then but I'll obviously do what I'm asked from them.

Tomorrow I need to sort my benefits etc as everything was in his name and his bank but the police told me that it will be relatively easy to sort everything out. I managed to salvage something out of the mess for the kids dinner tonight it ain't hote cusine but it'll fill them.

Would really like to thank everyone again for all your support

Universal credit is relatively simple if you are not already claiming. You've absolutely.got this!!

If you keep the key in the door when it's locked it would stop him using his keys to get back in ( usually not advised as it make burgerly slightly easier ) , or if there is a door chain ?

I’m really sorry. Big hugs to you!! Be strong, things will be better. I’m 1 year out of an awful 20 year relationship. So so happy I left. You will get back on your feet! Much love xxx