Friend doesn't seem to understand..

[minesasodandlime]

We've been friends since high school and know each other well but, lately, I find myself getting really frustrated with her.
I'm a busy working mum of 3 with a full time job, a husband and a mortgage. Late 30's. It can often be a struggle to keep all plates spinning but I manage by being careful with my time and finances.
Friend on the other hand, never worked (despite having a degree from a top university), has always lived at home with her mum and has no kids or financial responsibilities. Also has limitless free time.
Usually, I can only meet at weekends or if it's anything mid-week then I'd need to arrange it around commitments. I work around 50 hours a week, as well as lots of take-home work that eat into my evenings.
Last couple of times I've met with friend on a Saturday afternoon, hoping for a relaxing coffee and chat in a cafe or something similar, she's wanted to trawl around bookshops looking for a really obscure book. I found it exhausting. I'm 7 months pregnant and struggling with aches and pains associated with that. Why not look online for it or do it another time? Sigh.
She's recently asked me to go on a 5 day trip to London for her birthday. Her intended plans in London are to look around lots of galleries and arty type places, not my thing at all. If I were spending a small fortune on going to London for 5 days (totally out of the question btw, I couldn't afford to go even if wanted to), then I'd want to do things that interest ME.
How do I make her see that my time/money is limited and I need to be careful with spending, as well as not being able to head off on a 5 day trip at the drop of a hat like she can?

She sounds incredibly self absorbed. I wouldn't drag someone around who was 7 months pregnant. Her trip sounds like she's just using you for company.

Either way speak to her and explain how her behaviour is making you feel. Assuming you want to keep the friendship.

Just say "I can't afford it and there is no way I can leave my 3 (or by that time 4) very young children for 5 days".

I think you just need to say 'No sorry I don't want to go shopping on my limited free time' or at the mention of shopping suggest "you go into town early hunt for the book, and I'll meet you a 2pm"

London you just say no sorry can't leave the kids that long.

You’re at different stages of life - you’re a working mother with responsibilities , and she’s young free and single.

I think you will just have to be brutally honest with her, and explain you don’t have the time or money for these fancy trips. Maybe you’ve tried to accommodate her in the past, but with you being pregnant, something has to give. If the friendship withers a bit, so be it - all friendships ebb and flow. Your life is taking you in a different direction to her, it happens.

She sounds very self absorbed but have you tried telling her?

why didn’t you say “I’m heavily pregnant, it’s too tiring to go around book shops”?

But aren’t you just telling her? Like with the coffee example, ‘Sorry, X, I’m feeling very pregnant and tired and disinclined to trek around bookshops — let’s just sit and have coffee’?

Thanks for the replies so far.. Yeah, I've dropped hints about being tired, achy and sore... As well as pointing out my swollen ankles! But none of it seems to register with her :(

Just tell her. How would she know what it's like to live your life?

She may know the facts but not how it works or feels. Before having dc I found the lack of free time experienced by parents really shocking - when the luxury of the tiniest amount of free time was explained to me. People know you have to 'do bed time' etc but have no idea about the constant demands on your time and attention.

How would she know how it feels to be pregnant, or the 'outside working hours' impacts of a demanding job?

I think if you haven't been thoughtful enough to explain any of this, yet expect her to magically intuit your situation and feelings, then you're being rather self-absorbed.

Time to stop dropping hints and to be blunt.

Just don’t go.

Yes just be direct.

Can't afford it
Not my thing
Too sore
Too busy

You and she are at different life stages. You're going to have to communicate with her better, and restrict your meetings with her "I've got to get back soon, so can we just get a coffee?". She can find some other friends who have fewer commitments at the moment. Maybe there will come a time when you've got more time available for her.

Stop dropping hints and be more direct with your communication. Some people struggle to understand hints and she may be one of them.

Stop dropping hints and speak Directly. “No I can’t go to London. I can’t afford it. And even If I could I can’t leave the kids that long”.

How is she self absorbed for wanting to do something she likes with her friend? She took the opportunity of a meet up as a chance to look through bookshops which a lot of people would love! Op you’re both very different, would agree you’re just in very different places and to maybe say with the kids there’s no way you’ll make that long of a trip and next time say just a coffee as you’re wrecked

What is it you like about this friend? I can't imagine how your chats with her are going nowadays as you are at a completely different life stages and seem to have very little in common. If she has so little understanding of where you are at in life now it sounds like a friendship which has run its course.

Just tell her! Next time she suggests meeting up, say ‘marvellous-I don’t stop in the week so I want to sit in my arse for 3 hours and drink wine/hot chocolate/eat cake-how does that sound to you?’

If she mentions shopping/hunting for books/art galleries, say, ‘that really isn’t what I want to do on the weekends, but if you fancy meeting up for a something where I don’t have to move, then count me in!’

If you want to be in this friendship then you have as much responsibility to talk to her about your differing needs and lifestyle as she has to understand them. Have to say it’s a huge per peeve of mine when people act like they have no agency over a situation while making no effort to clearly communicate what they actually want and need. You’re not a victim here, work it out if you want to or be honest with her and say our lives are so different now I’m struggling to fit this friendship into mine.

So you haven’t discussed what you’re going to do and then you’ve only dropped hints, Use your words!

How is she affording all this if she doesn't work?

“Sorry, can’t afford that and don’t have enough annual leave”

No further explanation needed. She sounds tedious.

@minesasodandlime "How do I make her see that my time/money is limited and I need to be careful with spending, as well as not being able to head off on a 5 day trip at the drop of a hat like she can?"

Invite her to do emergency childcare once or twice.

She'll be the one avoiding you.

Friend on the other hand, never worked (despite having a degree from a top university), has always lived at home with her mum and has no kids or financial responsibilities.

How does she afford to live?

Hinting at anyone is always pointless. Use words. 'not my thing, but thanks for asking/I don't have time/ I wouldn't enjoy that sort of thing/couldn't afford that/I work 50 hours a week, so no.'

I've absolutely no idea how she affords it! Money never seems to be an issue or a concern for her. I've often wondered where her money comes from. I can only imagine she is supported by her mum or receives benefits or has an inheritence. I don't like to ask tbh.

Friend on the other hand, never worked

Why has she never worked? How does she afford a 5-day expensive trip to London?