Friend doesn't seem to understand..

[minesasodandlime]

We've been friends since high school and know each other well but, lately, I find myself getting really frustrated with her.
I'm a busy working mum of 3 with a full time job, a husband and a mortgage. Late 30's. It can often be a struggle to keep all plates spinning but I manage by being careful with my time and finances.
Friend on the other hand, never worked (despite having a degree from a top university), has always lived at home with her mum and has no kids or financial responsibilities. Also has limitless free time.
Usually, I can only meet at weekends or if it's anything mid-week then I'd need to arrange it around commitments. I work around 50 hours a week, as well as lots of take-home work that eat into my evenings.
Last couple of times I've met with friend on a Saturday afternoon, hoping for a relaxing coffee and chat in a cafe or something similar, she's wanted to trawl around bookshops looking for a really obscure book. I found it exhausting. I'm 7 months pregnant and struggling with aches and pains associated with that. Why not look online for it or do it another time? Sigh.
She's recently asked me to go on a 5 day trip to London for her birthday. Her intended plans in London are to look around lots of galleries and arty type places, not my thing at all. If I were spending a small fortune on going to London for 5 days (totally out of the question btw, I couldn't afford to go even if wanted to), then I'd want to do things that interest ME.
How do I make her see that my time/money is limited and I need to be careful with spending, as well as not being able to head off on a 5 day trip at the drop of a hat like she can?

Good question! Curious to know the answer myself.

You’ve known her since school but have never once had a conversation along those lines?!

You:1 I’m applying for loads of jobs now uni is finished and have xyz interviews! How about you?
Her: …

Just tell her. ‘Sounds fun but I can’t do that as I’m heavily pregnant. Have a great time!’

Unemotional but clear

It won’t because she’s never been pregnant and not all pregnancies are the same. I could have done that with my first but would have had no problem with my second. She doesn’t understand.

What baffles me is that you did it. Why drop hints? Why don’t people just say what they want ‘hey listen I’m sorry I can’t walk around anymore as being heavily pregnant means it’s hard for me to walk too far. Can we sit down and have a drink”. If she me you friend she will say oh yeah sure. If not then she isn’t your friend.

Why complain after? She might be self absorbed but she can’t read minds.

Friendship is a two way street, OP. I ( childless by choice) have a very dear friend who had a son twenty years ago, I thought it would probably mean the end of our close friendship as our lives diverged.

Only it didn’t. We both ‘made an effort’ , I would go out with her with him in the pram and the push chair, I bought him presents, I was able to facilitate quite an important part of his education. She arranged child free outings with me, at which we talked of non child centred things. We both tried, because the friendship was valuable to us.

if she is quite self centred, as it seems, if you value the friendship you have to spell it out for her ( although this shouldn’t really be necessary) , so she can start to give as well as take in the friendship. Let’s hope she just needs to be shown.

I’m so proud of the man my friend’s son has become.

She's on only fans lol

Just use your words! WTF with the hints about swollen ankles: Oh, if you're going to another bookshop I'm going to head home as walking about makes me tired and sore. Lovely to see you.

No, I can't go to London for 5 days, it's not my idea of a good time and I don't have enough leave or childcare cover.

Rinse and repeat.

dropped hints about being tired, achy and sore...

You have dropped hints which have not been picked up. Might it be time to say straightforwardly 'that doesn't work for me with my responsibilities and in my limited free time '

Don't need to wonder very much why she doesn't seem to have other friends with more compatible lifestyles.

Just say no, it's really not that hard. Tbh, neither of you understand the other person. If you did go to London, you could both do things that you're interested in (but in all fairness, it's her birthday - why shouldn't she get to choose?)

Also, how on earth would she understand what it's like to be pregnant when she's never experienced it? Next time you meet up, just TELL her what you would like to do.

If you’ve been friends for so long why can’t you speak to her straight? Are you afraid of her? Your relationship sounds bizarre and I can’t fathom why you are friends. You don’t appear to know anything about her life.

She doesn’t sound much of a friend tbh. Nobody needs to have been pregnant themselves to work out that a heavily pregnant woman might be feeling tired and uncomfortable 🙄 She just doesn’t care.

Still living at home with her mum in her late 30s? That’s pathetic, as it sounds like she’s doing that to avoid any costs or responsibility. I’d guess she doesn’t have many friends so is using you as company because you’re one of the few people who engage with her.

Suggest she goes with her mum, and tell her you’re too busy with your life.

Why are you dropping hints FFS? Use your words. Say no, I am not going to do that, I want to do this.

Why can noone just act like a grown up and speak?

She doesn't work and has all the time in the world to look round bookshops to her heart's content. Why did she feel the need to do that with the OP instead of meeting up for a coffee and a chat?

this

Use your words directly
"Sorry not possible at 7 months pregnant "
"Would be nice but cannot afford it. Maybe when all the kids are at school in five tears?"

slightlydistrac

but she wanted to do it with her friend! And it’s insulting to people who are unemployed to say they have all the time in the world- when my friend was unemployed she said the amount of people who messed her about because they were working and felt she could do what they wanted when they snapped their fingers

Sad that she’s wasted her degree. No chance of her fees being repaid either.

You are at different life stages and that is tricky. Just be honest and say no to things you don't want to do or make suggestions about what you would like to do when you meet up. My friend with no kids booked me a weekend away doing watersports that i would previously have been up for jusg adter having my baby. I was honest and said while appreciated the gift I wasn't interested in leaving baby or doing an extreme sport and swapped it for a local spa day

Tell her you cannot do this trip as it is imperative you have energy for the baby you are carrying, which it is. Every time you go out you are paying for or considering the welfare of 3 others including yourself and she is paying for one every time she goes out. If she gets upset or angry or argumentative and turns it on you being the problem just nod and say "sorry, can't do that". Leave it in her court. Make your time more minimal for her by saying " I need to go now" (childcare/ whatever). Don't acknowledge every conversation with avid interest just some of your conversations as she is probably dumping her life troubles/ traumas on you.... feign interest and change topics to your interests. Hints will not work. But give her a ring if you wish to maintain contact and keep the tie open

She doesn't have the experience you have of managing a family 24/7 so she won't see nor understand the issue fully. You don't want to abandon her as a friend but you can show you care by a short call every so often and a coffee/bookshop meet up giving a deadline of when you will be going home.

Sounds like she’s never grown up.

It’s not that she doesn’t understand, she’s so self absorbed that anyone else’s wants doesn’t even enter her thoughts. It’s all me me me

'How do I make her see that my time/money is limited and I need to be careful with spending, as well as not being able to head off on a 5 day trip at the drop of a hat like she can?'.... By using your mouth. You open it and words come out. Why are you being so weak . What is wrong with people. Stand up for yourself woman.

Given I am pregnant I can only do x,y and z for this amount of time. And stick to it, if eve suggests other things say no. I couldn’t be dealing with this level of insensitivity, so I would be fading this friendship out, she doesn’t seem to actually care about you at all.

OP stop being such a wet blanket. If she is a good enough friend that you are posting about the situation on MN, then you can surely have a frank conversation with her along the lines of “Do you mind me asking how you manage without working?” and “I think my friendships and socialising might take a hit with me being heavily pregnant with no4 … here’s how ….”

Just be upfront and mature about it.