MIL makes no effort

[Ruby3745]

My DDs are 2 and 4. When we had our first my MIL went above and beyond to make me feel useless. Always saying we were messing up and said we were jeopardising the baby for every decision we made (for example, she would be angry if we asked her to wash hands before holding newborn). She ruined my experience of becoming a mother, and when we told her she was ruining our marriage she kept going. Despite this I have made a lot of effort to maintain the relationship between MIL and DDs, I have always been the one to travel to her, traipsing the DDs around to MIL. I stopped earlier this year, as I had given up making all the of the effort and it not being reciprocated, and having to endure so many unkind comments. She has made it very clear she doesn’t have the time or desire to have a relationship with them both. We didn’t see each other for 4 months, and she didn’t visit or text, I sent messages and photos of DDs but she didn’t reply. When we saw her after 4 months, she stormed out and left after 2 minutes stating she was upset we hadn’t made any effort with her. I very much feel that she doesn’t want a relationship, but is trying to blame us instead of just being honest. I shake with anxiety when we see her (rarely) as I feel the past experiences have been traumatic and I find it very hard to process. I don’t know how to go forward, how to maintain this relationship or how to deal with her disliking me so much. Does anyone have any advice?

Yeah - fuck it. Let your DH deal with her.

DH doesn’t make any effort with her, as she’s mistreated him so much. So it’s all on me to hold it together.

But why are you trying to hold it all together? What do you think she's adding to your children's lives?

Very good question. At the moment, very little.

Why are you trying to hold it together? Why? There's no need at all. Let it go.

She's not interested in any of you and she's a nasty piece of work. She won't change.

@Topseyt123 i suppose it’s the principle. i am struggling to understand why a grandparent doesn’t want to be in their lives. Also the constant messages from other family members saying we have let her down by making no effort. It’s draining being painted as the bad guy when it’s the opposite. So fed up.

Your mother in law is simply not interested and or does not want the responsibility of seeing and or caring for grandchildren. She is really not worth bothering about so you need to ask yourself why you have been bothering at all. There is no relationship to at all maintain.

Ignore the flying monkeys sent in by MIL to do her dirty work. They are not interested in hearing your side of things and have their own agenda so their opinion should be ignored. Do not have anything further to do with them either.

Please follow your DHs lead here; he has known his mother a lot longer than you have. It is also NOT your job to hold it together, whatever makes you think that?. To someone like his mother that just shows weakness rather than kindness. You are not responsible for his mother's actions and never have been.

You do not need her approval; not that she would ever give you this anyway. Drop the rope entirely and have nothing more to do with her. If your parents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy, then concentrate your efforts on them.

We uninvited mil from our wedding after she hadn't bothered with us for 6 months.. She emailed all her friends slating us. Mostly me. We gave no fucks... Been 10 years since we set eyes in her... Years of bliss. Ime it's the way forward..

Just leave it OP. Stop trying so hard and go low contact. You'll feel much better.

No it isn't. You can put in all the effort in the world, but you can't force someone to treat you decently if they don't want to. You can't incentivise her to behave nicely because she's actively showing you she doesn't care. I would continue to step back and focus on more rewarding relationships.

@AttilaTheMeerkat This is all very true. Thank you. I think where I’m an anxious person, I struggle with people thinking badly of me. I try very hard to be kind. If people ask me why I’m not making effort anymore, I simply don’t know what to say. I wish I could be stronger and not care at all.

@Ladybyrd thank you. I think you’re right, I can’t force her to behave how I would like. It’s just sad for the children. I also think by stopping it would give her ammo to hate me further and slate me to everyone. If she does then I’ll just have to deal with it. She will be starting WW3!

Are you a people pleaser Ruby?. If you are may I suggest you get some therapy for this trait because it really does you no favours at all.

Your kindness towards your mother in law has been totally misplaced given how she has behaved towards you. Why would you want her approval at all, not that she would ever give you this. You do not have to answer the flying monkeys questions about you not making an effort any longer, let your DH deal with them if he wants to. You know the truth re his mother.

@Forgottobuymincepies good for you. I need to be strong like you!

It will do your children no favours at all to see you as their parents being so outright disrespected by their nan. You would not tolerate this behaviour from a friend I would hope and his mother is no different. Disordered of thinking people like his mother would start WW3 in an empty room. You must drop the rope entirely here and give up on all hope that she will somehow change and say sorry. It will not happen.

Children need emotionally healthy grandparents and your mother in law does not fit the bill.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes, through anxiety. I think it’s a terrible trait for me! It lets people walk over me. I would actually only like people in my DDs lives who are kind and loving. So surely that’s reason enough to give up? My parents are wonderful, but always say I must maintain the relationship with MIL. But at the cost of my poor mental health? I’m not sure i would want that for any mother looking at it objectively. Would any parent endure this for the sake of relationship? I have tried.

@Ruby3745 It is sad. I'm in a situation with my own parents where they're making very little effort with my kids and I've been trying to force something that isn't really there. Not outwardly hostile like yours but a steady stream of fairly shitty behaviour that's got me down over time. But for the sake of you and your family, I'd invest your precious time, love and efforts more wisely and not waste them on someone who throws it all back in your face. I'm not sure I'd go no contact, but less contact. If you feel she's being manipulative, try the grey rock method.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you hit the nail on the head. Emotionally she is unavailable to them. When I say no to something, she says yes. And when I teach them something she says I’m wrong. They get confused, especially the 4 year old. Forever undermining me, making me look like the bad guy! And confusing them! It feels unhealthy and petty.

Give your own self permission to stop trying with your mother in law. She does not want to know so you need to drop the rope. BTW it is no reflection on you that she is like this; you did not make her that way and her behaviour is her sole choice. Your kids are not going to say thanks mum if you keep on sending photos of them or otherwise dragging them over to your MIL; they will ask of you why you did that and call you daft for doing so.

Please get professional help for your anxiety because it can and does take over day to day life. Examine through therapy exactly why you have wanted to maintain a relationship with this person who clearly does not want to. It may be because of fear, obligation and guilt too.

@Ladybyrd I’m sorry, that is sad. You are right. I need to find a way to stop caring where it’s not reciprocated. There’s just been so much damage, that has been accounted for, no apologies. I just can’t let it go. I need to find a way. she is undeserving of my time and being in their lives.

Unfortunately your parents are wrong and besides which they have not directly seen your MIL in action. You have and you know the truth re her.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you so much. I was expecting to have responses saying I must keep trying, so it is actually a relief to hear that I’m not being unreasonable. I really appreciate your words.

That is a very interesting point, I feel like mums (and dads), have pressure on them to do all these things, like be the one who ensures relationships and visit everyone etc. but often when I speak to others they say people come to them. I am realising, despite how wonderful my DDs are, not everyone will want to be in their lives. I think talking it through in therapy would be very beneficial. I will look into this.

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