MIL makes no effort

[Ruby3745]

My DDs are 2 and 4. When we had our first my MIL went above and beyond to make me feel useless. Always saying we were messing up and said we were jeopardising the baby for every decision we made (for example, she would be angry if we asked her to wash hands before holding newborn). She ruined my experience of becoming a mother, and when we told her she was ruining our marriage she kept going. Despite this I have made a lot of effort to maintain the relationship between MIL and DDs, I have always been the one to travel to her, traipsing the DDs around to MIL. I stopped earlier this year, as I had given up making all the of the effort and it not being reciprocated, and having to endure so many unkind comments. She has made it very clear she doesn’t have the time or desire to have a relationship with them both. We didn’t see each other for 4 months, and she didn’t visit or text, I sent messages and photos of DDs but she didn’t reply. When we saw her after 4 months, she stormed out and left after 2 minutes stating she was upset we hadn’t made any effort with her. I very much feel that she doesn’t want a relationship, but is trying to blame us instead of just being honest. I shake with anxiety when we see her (rarely) as I feel the past experiences have been traumatic and I find it very hard to process. I don’t know how to go forward, how to maintain this relationship or how to deal with her disliking me so much. Does anyone have any advice?

I remember an ex telling me his mother was just a horrible person - a bitter alcoholic - and he couldn't speak to her anymore. He said she actually told him she wished he'd died in his teens rather than his sister. Me being young (in those days), naive and idealistic, I tried to convince him that those things couldn't possibly be the case - there must have been crossed wires - she couldn't possibly have meant it. All mothers love their children, after all. Then one night she turned up pissed on Facebook, spewing her venom at him and I couldn't believe what I was reading. She genuinely was the most appalling person and he was right to cut her off.

I would take your husband at his word and let him decide about his relationship with her. I wouldn't declare NC as this will only give her ammunition, but I wouldn't reach out to her.

@Ladybyrd she sounds dreadful. It is bizarre that some people can behave this way.

I really appreciate your advice, and I will do this. I worry about how much stick we will get from her after lessening contact, but whatever we do she will find something to attack us with.

She mistreated your husband, her own child. Why do you think she would treat your children any better?
Your husband would probably be relieved if you stopped dragging this awful woman into your (all of your) lives.
Your parents are wrong to keep telling you to stay in contact with MIL, if they cares about the children they would only want loving people in their lives too.

If she was awful to your dh, so much sone doesn’t want contact why are you subjecting your kids to her? She sounds vile

Just leave any contact to DH bid she contacts you, direct her to DH

There are some people who don’t deserve any contact with grandchildren and she sounds like one of them

If you lessen contact then you will not have to worry about how much stick you will get. And her opinion is worth nothing anyway.

What can she do other than send in the flying monkeys along with shout and scream - nothing. Do not have her in your headspace any longer. Get therapy for your people pleasing and anxiety behaviours.

Make 2025 the year you drop the rope. Stop trying to force a relationship. They dont need her in their lifes. Move forward and dont feel bad.

No it's not.

To what end?

She's not interested and she's nasty about it

Protect your children

@AttilaTheMeerkat this is exactly it. It needs to stop, I can’t take the mental exhaustion anymore.

thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.

@Joelle84 Thank you for this encouragement. I am going to try to do this

Your MIL has made clear she isn't bothered about having a relationship with you or your DDs. In fact she's made it clear she doesn't like you or approve of you.

She mistreated your DH to the point he doesn't want anything to do with her.

She confuses your daughters, contradicts you in front of them, insults their parents in front of them. She isn't a loving grandma to them. She isn't a good role model for them.

So spending time with her is damaging you, your DH and your DDs.

Based on that, there is no possible benefit to you continuing to push a relationship with her, other than you've got in your head that it's your duty. If course it isn't your duty. If your DH doesn't want a relationship - and it's his mum - I'd say your duty is to support your DH and your own wellbeing and that of your daughters, and stop trying with her.

Why on earth are you bothering? Who is benefiting? No one. So stop. Drop the rope.

First post nailed it as usual.

stop ! Your children are getting no benefit from this dragged out nonsense relationship.