Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

He could have seen me on my birthday but didn’t

47 replies

Anotheryearolder1 · 31/12/2024 08:18

Need a sanity check here!

Been seeing a guy on and off for about a year. He recently reached out wanting to sort things out, and has said I am now his number 1 priority, he sees his future with me, marriage, children, the full works…

It was my birthday yesterday. He originally said his plan for the day was to paint his bathroom.

I messaged him early morning to say I was heading to the city where he lives to hit the sales and that I could pop by to say a quick hello, and that it would be nice to see him on my birthday. He replied to say he was now going out for brunch, so can’t.

My feeling is that if it had been the other way round, I would have said ‘I am out for brunch this morning, but will message you afterwards to see if you’re still round here and we can get a coffee or something’. I just think it would have been easy for him to see me if he wanted to, but he chose not to.

His stance is that he told me he was busy yesterday, end of.

AIBU? It’s been such a rough ride with dating, I can’t see the wood from the trees, and I don’t know if my expectations are too high. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

muddyford · 31/12/2024 08:21

To use a MN phrase, he's not that much into you. The crap about marriage is to keep you hanging on till he finds someone else. I would tell him that it isn't working for you and bin him.

lollylo · 31/12/2024 08:22

Block and move on. He’s known you long enough to make an effort for your birthday. Just leave it. He’s either not into you or one of those who resents their partner having attention or spoils celebrations and holidays more generally. Not worth it either way.

EVHead · 31/12/2024 08:22

On and off … he reached out to say you’re now his number one priority … makes no effort on your birthday.

Nah - you’re not a priority for him. You deserve more.

2025nearly · 31/12/2024 08:22

So did he make any effort at all for your birthday?

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

2025nearly · 31/12/2024 08:23

He should have arranged to take you out and treat you if, as he says, you are his number 1 priority.

Billblue · 31/12/2024 08:26

He's future faking you yo keep you on the hook. After a year, if he was into you, he would be doing something nice for you on your birthday.

Tcateh · 31/12/2024 08:26

Why does one paint a bathroom but pencil in a brunch on the same day.

Brunch with who?

Op you're worth so much more.

Don't go to his town in the hope he'll find a window for you. Especially on your birthday!!!

Go in the opposite direction and stop holding on for him to be the one.

I don't think he's the one.

Happy birthday and take strength.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 31/12/2024 08:27

Dump and be free of the breadcrumbs he's throwing you.

Mangocity · 31/12/2024 08:32

Of course you can expect more than this.

CinderellaMum · 31/12/2024 08:33

It’s not just about him not making plans after brunch, it’s the fact that he rearranged his painting schedule to go to brunch with someone else but couldn’t do the same for your birthday.

To me, this clearly shows you’re not a priority to him. He’s prioritised both painting and brunch with a friend over celebrating your birthday, hardly the behaviour of someone who’s into you and making you a priority

Aussiebean · 31/12/2024 08:34

so you are the woman he wants to be his wife, the mother of his children, the one he spends the rest of his life with?

that is who you are to him? wife, mother, life long partner?

how much effort did he put into your birthday?
did he come to you?
Did he arrange something special?
Did he show you how much you mean to him…. as his future wife?

did you have to travel to visit him ‘to say a quick hello’ because he was PAINTING HIS BATHROOM and that was more important then spending time celebrating the woman he wants to marry.

not only that, but his last minute brunch plans are also more important than seeing you. The birthday girl, the future mother of his children.

he has very clearly told you that painting his bathroom and last minute plans are more important to him than you.

littlemissprosseco · 31/12/2024 08:37

Bin him

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Loopytiles · 31/12/2024 08:38

It’s ‘on and off’ and he didn’t seek to meet you on your birthday. When you sought to meet him and to travel to him he declined. Not that into you: move on.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/12/2024 08:39

Ah see I don’t think he’s in the wrong here, he had plans and he communicated that with you.

Mitzuko · 31/12/2024 08:40

You are entitled to expectations in a relationship. Don't bend to what others want, as what you deserve in a relationship is entirely up to your choice. You teach people how to treat you..
If I was treated that way I'd question how important I am and serve a few weeks of silence therapy. The following reaction would tell about the true nature of the relationship. Anyway that's me and not you, and you have all the rights in the world to decide how to be treated with no comparison to what others would do.

I can't say why this guy acts so dismissive, and this is not the point.
if you're not happy with it you need to admit it to yourself and act accordingly. Period.

I would take all the courage and talk about it, to sort out and also check the reaction.
Also planning to marry someone is something so serious, and trust me, over the years when you develop your own life it might become worse so keep your eyes well open before marrying.

Honestly I'm old fashioned and wouldn't close a relationship unless something really serious has happened, however I constantly check how I feel in a relationship, and frankly after a year on and off I would expect more of "on" than off. If I'm not happy I seriously would question myself where this relationship is going.

YANBU.

PullTheBricksDown · 31/12/2024 08:42

What everyone else said. You're not his priority. End it.

missod · 31/12/2024 08:42

Happy Birthday for yesterday OP.

You're wasting your time with this one. New Year, new man I think.

Original poster

Anotheryearolder1 · 31/12/2024 08:43

Thank you all for taking the time to reply back, I really appreciate it, and it’s a relief to know I’m not losing the plot here!

He only wished me a happy birthday on text after I said it would be nice to see him on my birthday. He said he put it in his calendar as being next week. (So 37th December then?!)

I don’t think anything has changed. I’m not his priority, never have been, which is why it has repeatedly fallen apart in the past.

This is the nail in the coffin. I told him this was his last chance!

At least I can draw a line under it now, and have a fresh start for the new year.

Thanks again for all your replies. Happy New Year to you all xxx

OP posts:

BendingSpoons · 31/12/2024 08:43

I wouldn't be happy with that. 'Painting the bathroom' is not urgent IMO. He should have actively been asking you what you wanted to do on your birthday and if you wanted him to some meet you. He then went ahead and made other plans but still not checking what you wanted to do. That's not particularly caring.

buttonousmaximous · 31/12/2024 08:47

It's crap he couldn't prioritise you on your birthday . And when you tried to see him he let you down. I'd move on this guy is not a keeper.

EdgyWriter · 31/12/2024 08:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2024 08:54

So he didn't remember when your birthday was. Painting his bathroom was more of a priority to him than you were but then the brunch topped the painting and he went to that instead.
Together with it being on and off only a year in and I think you've reached the right decision to ditch him and start 2025 with a clean slate. His loss I'm sure!

Flip

1 2