Only attracted to men who earn similarly to me

[qrr12]

Single woman in late twenties. I feel so pathetic admitting this but I’m mostly attracted to men who earn a similar salary. Have met some nice men through OLD apps but they’ve all earned much less than me and were also content with their jobs/max earning potential. I hate to admit the lower salary with lack of ambition then makes me lose attraction.
How do I get rid of this superficial mindset and get over myself?

As a Londoner I don’t even earn a good salary as I work in public sector, earning less than 50k. I do luckily own a 2 bed flat in zone 2 due to family help though. Also, I graduated late due to ASD and I’m definitely not satisfied with my salary and am fixated on ways to improve my earning potential.

I’m physically in good shape and spend a lot of effort on my appearance as well as hobbies, socialising etc but don’t have much luck dating. London is full of very attractive and accomplished women though so I understand why, and facially I’m very average. Professional men who earn a similar salary are rarely interested in me (fair enough, I can’t complain they’re prioritising more attractive women when I’m being superficial!)

It probably doesn’t help that I was raised in a very traditional conservative culture. All of the women in my family are primary caregivers and married men who significantly out earn them. My Dad went to uni and had a high flying career, whereas my Mother never went to uni and was a SAHM.

In my culture, women who are still single at my age are seen as a bit of a red flag, blamed for leaving it too late etc. Also, women are still expected to prioritise being the primary caregiver and sadly even women will mock other ‘masculine’ women. Growing up in the UK I have rejected many of the sexist views from my culture but I’m ashamed to admit I still find it hard to let this one go

What's a masculine woman in your culture?

If salary is important to you I don't think you'll be able to change that. You could just go with it and hope to meet someone. Join clubs?

I don't know why you feel 'pathetic' in the things you would look for in a partner? You want someone attractive who earns well, right?
You are only in your twenties, my darling, keep going as you are, he will likely show up for you.

In my culture a woman who prioritised a high flying career instead of marriage and kids would be seen as ‘masculine’

Most women stay living at home with parents until they get married. I’m already seen as less desirable for moving out to live in a city for work and still being single at my age.

I’m open to dating outside my culture (I’d have a small dating pool otherwise), but it would maybe be easier to date someone from a similar background as my family’s traditional views may scare other men off

Biology means that you are likely to stop working for several years whilst you bear children, if children are what you want. Given that, it's completely reasonable to only want to date a man who matches or exceeds your own earnings, as you and your children will depend upon him during that time.

Huh, what culture is this?

Anyway, you say you earn £50k, so wanting a man who earns at least the same as you is not a tall order in London where most professional men in their late 20s will earn at least that.

Have you actually met someone you liked and connected with and rejected him because he earned too little? Or is this all hypothetical?

Don't overthink and try to relax about finding a boyfriend. You really are young and have not left anything 'too late'.

Men are dating you, not your family.

Why would your background scare them off? You've already said you've gone against the grain and are not like your family. Men are more interested in you and your values, not what your parents might think.

I find it hard to believe you are only attracted to men of a similar salary. If you met someone but then he went part time or changed jobs and had a salary drop he'd still be the same person. Not fancying someone with no ambition, who was happy to live a life on minimum wage with all that entails is something else.

Have you tried not discussing salary?

Anyway even if you're a gold digger that is fine, you like what you like. What would you see outwardly for the salary you want? There'll be a stark difference between the guy earning 50k and saving hard and the guy on 50k blowing it on nights out and clothes. Which of these appeals to you more?

There's nothing wrong with wanting a financially stable partner with similar spending patterns and goals to yourself.

Wanting a life partner and potential father to your children who has a similar financial outlook, drive, and financial status is not superficial. It’s sensible.

Yours is an intriguing story, and I hope you don’t mind me asking: Are you of Chinese (or related) heritage?

Rather than try to change the mindset, maybe change the environment: less OLD, more sailing, skiing, horse riding, wine tasting or whatever you're interested in - lots of clubs/interest groups/ places to go to meet people where you're more likely to find the demographic you're looking for.

And sadly, I've found that there are still a sizeable number of men who are intimidated by women who earn more than they do. I mean, avoid them, obviously, but it is a factor because there's still a lot of cultural/societal conditioning around it in many aspects of life even today.

hi @Crushed23 I’d prefer not to say if thats okay (don’t want to out or derail) but I’m an immigrant and people from my country/culture follow a strict religion.

the last guy I met from hinge, went on 4 dates before I ended things. He was really sweet and put a lot of effort in dates, and I often think I may have made a stupid mistake. At the same time I still secretly wish he was more ambitious. He’s a coffee barista - admittedly at a fancy coffee place, so likely earns more than avg barista but doubt it’s over 32k. He lives quite frugally, large flatshare in zone 3, doesn’t party much. His parents are teachers and he has had no family support financially. (I’m aware I’ve had a huge advantage having financial safety net from parents). As I’d recently been focused on applying for more senior jobs it was something I had been bringing up to him, and ranting about interviews and not performing my best. He mentioned I was worrying far too much and I couldn’t help thinking but how can I be satisfied staying at my current salary for well over a year now. I’d say most of my friends in London have a similar mindset to prioritise earning potential as it’s so expensive here

Hi thanks for comment @IridiumSky
I’m not Chinese but I’m Asian (apologies I’d prefer not to share my exact background)

It's fine to want someone who earns a reasonable amount. I don't see that as something to be ashamed of. It's part of many women's wants: are they attracted to the person, are they kind, intelligent, a good provider, stable and reliable.

I wouldn't focus on current salary in your 20s as it can change a lot over time. Shared interests and values are more consistent.

When I met my (now) DH I was a the higher earner, I earned about 25% more than him. Fast forward 25 years and he earns 4 times what I do. Still a shared pot and similar interests and values.

50k in London is nothing special in your 20s. Why can't you find a man who is earning at least this?

What kind of men have you been dating?

I don't think it's very unreasonable to find lack of ambition deeply unattractive. However some genuinely fulfilling and interesting careers will never have very high earning potential and money isn't the only measure for ambition. Being unevenly yoked with a life partner who doesn't want to work hard and be the best they can be would be miserable. However even the most hard-working and ambitious social worker or nurse will never match the salary of a hard working and ambitious worker in a a number of more selfish professional fields. So I think you are fine and reasonable to require that your life partner must be driven, hard-working and ambitious but that you shouldn't use salary as a measure of whether someone fulfils this.

Don't forget that your own earning potential can go down as well as up. All sorts of things could happen over the next 40 years. Managing your lifestyle expectations and living as if your salary was closer to "average" - locking all the excess away in investments - is very sensible and is much easier to achieve if your partner doesn't have the luxury lifestyle expectations which are normally there in high earners.

OP I hear what you are saying, and on the one hand I would say that "attraction is attraction" and you can't help being more attracted to high earners.

Having said that, I have many happily married peers in my social circle who married a man who earns less. Among these men are several very solid partners, wonderful dads, and steady/emotionally mature individuals. Sometimes a very career-oriented high earner also has a large ego and puts work and status above family life.

I married someone less educated and who earns less and I would not change it for the world. He has been a wonderful partner and I feel very lucky. I wonder if you are too young to close down your options?

This is what I would have thought, most professionals will be earning this amount. It would be unreasonable to expect to find someone earning more had you been earning 100k+ at your age I think but 50k is wholly reasonable so that you have a similar lifestyle

I understand where you are coming from and I think it's more than reasonable to want to date and marry someone with similar ambition and earning ability / property.
Can your parents not introduce you to somebody appropriate?
In my culture, we rely on this more than OLD, as it's a shared value, shared expectation, ambition and desire to achieve.
I would question my parents as to why you have not been given family meetings and opportunities to meet eligible men, doctors, dentists, pharmacists, city bankers?

I think you are very sensible, not so much the money but the drive/ambition point. If you met someone who worked for a charity, didn't earn much, but was ambitious to be the best charity worker he could be and climb the hierarchy to be able to have more influence, do more good, etc, that might be fine. But someone who is happy to coast through life making coffee while you carry the financial burden of providing g scrutiny and opportunities for your future children, and I bet lets you do all the domestic work because it's culturally instilled in you that you should, would not make a good life partner.

Not unreasonable at all OP, and smart to realise this sooner rather than later when you're stuck funding your own mat leave and paying all of the bills

I am a smart, educated, ambitious woman. I always dated smart, educated, ambitious men. (Or if they weren’t it was more of a fling than what I considered a long term relationship). I think that is perfectly reasonable. Why should you settle for someone who doesn’t share the same values and ambitions as you?

You're only late twenties and 50k isn't a lot in London I think the barrier is something else like how you come across as you mentioned ASD. Stop wasting time dating guys who are obviously 'poor'. As soon as he said he's a barista you should've pulled the plug (and without explanation, just ghost him or chat 5 minutes more then say not feeling the spark - thats what the guys do when they don't fancy us!)
Are you picky with other things like looks? Or have a small age bracket?

@qrr12 you're young and 50K is nothing in London. Maybe a batista salary wouldn't work for you but what if he had his own home and lots of savings and a great extended family? Would that have swayed things with you?

With my friends, all the women earn more than the men. But the men bring other stuff to the table, generous, supportive, great partners/dad's, hard workers in whatever area they work in. I think as you get older, you realise the importance of all these other things alongside finances.