Only attracted to men who earn similarly to me

[qrr12]

Single woman in late twenties. I feel so pathetic admitting this but I’m mostly attracted to men who earn a similar salary. Have met some nice men through OLD apps but they’ve all earned much less than me and were also content with their jobs/max earning potential. I hate to admit the lower salary with lack of ambition then makes me lose attraction.
How do I get rid of this superficial mindset and get over myself?

As a Londoner I don’t even earn a good salary as I work in public sector, earning less than 50k. I do luckily own a 2 bed flat in zone 2 due to family help though. Also, I graduated late due to ASD and I’m definitely not satisfied with my salary and am fixated on ways to improve my earning potential.

I’m physically in good shape and spend a lot of effort on my appearance as well as hobbies, socialising etc but don’t have much luck dating. London is full of very attractive and accomplished women though so I understand why, and facially I’m very average. Professional men who earn a similar salary are rarely interested in me (fair enough, I can’t complain they’re prioritising more attractive women when I’m being superficial!)

It probably doesn’t help that I was raised in a very traditional conservative culture. All of the women in my family are primary caregivers and married men who significantly out earn them. My Dad went to uni and had a high flying career, whereas my Mother never went to uni and was a SAHM.

In my culture, women who are still single at my age are seen as a bit of a red flag, blamed for leaving it too late etc. Also, women are still expected to prioritise being the primary caregiver and sadly even women will mock other ‘masculine’ women. Growing up in the UK I have rejected many of the sexist views from my culture but I’m ashamed to admit I still find it hard to let this one go

Yes, it's important what family they come from. He could be a waiter but a waiter for the Uncle's restaurant for example.
Maybe his father is a doctor? Do you check all these things before you arrange to meet?
Can your parents not help you with this?

What about a guy that earns a lot less but has a large amount of savings from say inheritance or living at home.

I don’t see anything wrong in you wanting equality of income. Not superficial it’s practical. Recognises that financial security and long term stability important to you. You’re young and have every right to hold out for what you are looking for. If you were to date a lower earning less ambitious partner given the former is important to you, long term you may resent the disparity and overall would not be able to achieve as a couple what you’d like to in life. +Not always too much fun being the breadwinner in a family (whatever sex) as higher salaries often come with a huge amount of stress and not much time/freedom. Even when not working brain on duty. It can be an enormous pressure. At least if a partner had same or similar you’d have a better understanding of each other and could work towards eventual financial freedom together quicker. Where one is the breadwinner and the other not, or works PT, often the ‘not’ is quick to say ah but it’s what we both want, he/she (breadwinner) is happy and I do all these other things… great… not the same though and I’m sure any breadwinner would love the time/energy to do those things too… and for someone else to at times do what they do. Hold out. Meet people on your level. Your middle aged self will be glad you did.

On hinge you can find out someone's profession in their profile and after a bit of texting you can easily find them online / on LinkedIn and see the sort of job they have - it's reasonable to want someone who will live a similar lifestyle to you

I agree with others that wanting someone with a similar or higher salary is not unreasonable.

I sounds like you don't really trust yourself or your decision making and I wonder if you're possibly holding onto some baggage? Maybe going to counselling to tease out what is really bothering you could be a good idea?

I promise your preference for a decent salary is not the issue here.

I think as you own a property surely it's even more important a partner earns similar to you?! My ex moved into the house I owned got me pregnant rushed a marriage then tried to take half my house. I'm very very wary of low earning men who are keen on a woman with a house due to my experience. Cock lodger is a saying you read a lot on here and they genuinely exist in real life. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself

I think wanting equality of income is sensible. I grew up poor with no parental safety net. I couldn’t hook my fortunes to a partner who didn’t share my goal of financial sustainability and a comfortable life for us and our children. My friend whose parents provided for her by buying her somewhere to live etc was happy to marry someone with no qualifications and a string of failed jobs as her safety net was already in place.

OP, Is this desire related to the cost of housing? Because obviously a nice house in a nice area will require a very high salary in London nowadays.

I agree with other poster that ambitious men earning high salaries come with their own price tags - tendency to be self focussed and wanting to "win" means they can also be competitive in relationships (eg being "right" in arguments, not compromising etc) which kills the love long term unless they learn to moderate it.

I think it’s absolutely normal to only want to date men with a similar level of ambition, career aspirations and financial security. Nothing shallow about that. I think that’s very sensible.

I would, however, prioritise drive and ambition over current salary in your 20s. I mean, how do you even know their salary? I don’t think in all my years of dating I ever asked someone what they earned. I mean, I’ve been married to my dh for 16 years and I couldn’t actually tell you what he makes! I could give a good guess based on his business accounts and because we have a mortgage together, I’ve looked through all that, but it would only be an estimate to within a couple £10k a year. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The reason I say this is because when we were in our 20s, I was earning probably £20k if that and Dh was on £18k. In our 40s, we are on several multiples of that and have a very comfortable life. Most people who go on to earn very well are still building businesses or in postgraduate education in their late 20s.

Another one who thinks you are sensible , however I'd prioritise ambition / potential over numbers. Dh was completing a PhD when we met - I was completing my masters - so we were totally brassic. Very comfortable in our late 40s though and it's only improving.

Are you one of my relatives? 😅(joke)

& just in my experience, it’s not always that simple.
Men who earn around this tend to be less interested, and I haven’t had much luck meeting ‘organically’ (outside of apps) either.

I do have an active social life here, attend classes and say yes to most invitations, but that doesn’t magically make those men interested in me. Most of my friends/network out-earn me as I’m aware my salary isn’t great.
I presume it’s because the bar is ‘high’ as London is full of extremely attractive women, and age isn’t really on my side (most guy friends my age go for younger women).

Otherwise men I’ve dated: barista, guy who’d just quit his junior HR job to become a DJ, ‘creative’ but between jobs, freelance journalist and a primary school teacher.
Although it’s much less common, I have occasionally been on dates with men who earn similar/more but just not much luck, either they weren’t interested or I didn’t think we’d be a good match because of something else.

Some men put their exact job title on their dating profile, but many will be more vague. For example just putting ‘Finance’ or ‘HR’ could vary hugely (admin level to something very senior). I want to stay open minded if someone from an app has messaged nicely despite vague job title on profile

I would, however, prioritise drive and ambition over current salary in your 20s. I mean, how do you even know their salary? I don’t think in all my years of dating I ever asked someone what they earned.

hi thanks @mindutopia I think that’s very fair, I don’t think it’s someones fault they may be earning less than planned but I’d hope they have future goals to earn more. I’d say my friends and I are very similar and regularly openly talk about work goals and maximising earning potential.
I definitely don’t ask what they earn, but in my network it’s normal to ask someone which part of London they’re living and how much their rent is. Of course you can’t always be accurate but you can get a rough idea once you know their job/company. Even if I don’t know much about their field and don’t have a friend who does the same type of job as a date, chances are one of my friends will know of someone who does similar and rough idea of salary range.
Also, many men on dates ask me what my parents do and even what my sibling does. (I’d feel a bit intrusive asking that unless they choose to share, and many do anyway)

You are aware that what someone earns or even what profession they're in doesn't guarantee any level of future salary?

Struggling DJ or actor in their 20s might get a big break by their 30s (I know several people this happened to, as well as several it didn't. It wasn't related to talent or even work ethic in most cases)

Six-figure finance guy might burn out, get made redundant or opt for a total career change in their 30s

Injury and illness might also stop a career dead.

Use whatever criteria you want but you're a fool if you think you can game it. If money's important to you, you'd do better to focus on how to make it yourself - you're not entirely in control of that either but more so than for someone else.

I'm also curious as to how you even know someone's exact salary when you start dating them. Most people I know keep it vague deliberately, and anyone asking off the bat doesn't get another date because it's a huge red flag.

I don't see the issue. If you only want to date men in a certain salary bracket then that's fine and probably quite sensible.

Is it salary that matters to you, or drive and ambition? I could date a man who doesn’t earn a lot, but I find men who lack ambition or drive very dull. It doesn’t have to be ambition to earn more, but to do something of interest. I don’t consider that shallow or an unusual want in a partner.

I don't even think it's particularly shallow...money pays for a certain lifestyle and opportunities. So if you want those things to align it makes sense.

Anyway, loads of men are totally shallow when it comes to picking women...why should women fret about their own criteria when men don't give a shit and always try to pick the hottest women.