Thinking of splitting up with my husband

[IstillloveKingThistle]

Advice on here is usually get your ducks in a row when thinking of leaving your husband etc etc

Well that’s the current boat I am in.
Years of emotional abuse. I live with a Jekyll and Hyde: one minute he’s utterly beautiful and kind, the next a monster to me. It’s horrendous.
He never ever takes any responsibility for his behaviour or actions. He’s never done anything wrong according to him. It’s how it is. How it’s always been.

We’re married . Two children. I haven’t worked for around three years due to both mental and physical health problems and issues.
He earns well. Has a job he loves.
He works away. A lot. We are talking most of the year. I hate his job. I hate his attitude about it because it comes first and I hate that he’s missed so much out on our children and them
growing up.
He has been back over a week and things have been very very tense and up and down so much. He’s due to leave again this week .
I think we need to separate but lack so
much in self confidence and respect for
myself that I put up with his shit too much and all the time.

He barely wants sex. He says he still
finds me attractive and beautiful but I doubt that.
It just seems so so off.

Please wise mumsnetters , give me a kick up the arse and help me get figured out what to do.

A dog leads a better life than I do yet he leads a lords life . It Isn’t right.

There are loads more things I could say on here but it’s too outing.

Please help.

Well you answered your own question in the first sentence.

Okay.. that’s me told!
Thank you 😬

Who gives a shit if he is kind to you when he is also a monster?

LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

1. Contact a domestic abuse organisation for advice and support.

1. Gather all financial information and see a family law solicitor. Check out wikivorce for information. CABx website also has a lot of info.

1. Phone Gingerbread, they can advise on most things to do with single parenting eg benefits, housing, co parenting.

For the most part he’s kind . He is caring . But then he just turns into an utterly foul person and will sometimes ignore me for hours, refusing to answer my calls or even talk to me or he will take his self off for a few hours and not answer the phone or he will shout and be nasty. He changes with the wind.
Guess I need to take some responsibility though as I can’t profess to be a perfect person but I am ridiculously caring and kind. I know that as it’s one of my biggest strengths. Not doing me any favours though . Clearly.

Could he be bipolar? My ex was like that until he was appropriately medicated. Instant change once meds kicked in after a few weeks.

That’s a really interesting question. I have wondered about this because it’s almost like he’s premenstrual at times ( but worse )
However, he’s only really like it with me. And occasionally with my parents or in front of them, which utterly breaks my heart because they are the most beautiful souls.
As I said, there are other things that are going on but they’re too outing and I might be recognised in RL.

With everything else going on right now , I am heartbroken that he’s not even been supportive to me and shown little compassion or care. It’s so upsetting.

Have you got any money of your own, OP?

What's your job, OP? Could you get back into it?
I appreciate you "hate" his job, but it's been supporting you and your family?

I do understand that his job has supported us all. I am grateful for that. But it takes him away and we don’t see him for months and months. It’s not right .
My background is social work.

However, he’s only really like it with me

It's natural to relax around people, which sometimes includes showing them an unpleasant side to ourselves. However, when it's taken to it's extreme, they do this because -

a) They don't think there will be any consequences to their actions (which is important, because empathy isn't enough of a reason for them to curb their behaviour)

and / or

b) You have lost some value to them that you used to have, which made it worth it for them to behave better.

I totally understand why you would characterise it as Jekyll & Hyde, because it looks like that and feels like that. However, I urge you to stop using that phrase, as it encourages you think of him as two separate people, rather than a whole person.

The person that someone is when everything is going their way, when everything is going well doesn't mean a huge amount. I mean, why would it? It's easy enough for a lot of people to be loving, generous, kind when their needs are met, isn't it? Unless they're some kind of sadist, they'll be quite happy that they're getting what they want and that will put them in at least a neural or good mood.

It's what they become when they DON'T get their own way that reveals who someone is as a whole person. THAT'S when you see what they're made of.

If they punish people over minor disagreements with hours of silence & moodyness, ruin days out, have a tantrum like a toddler because you haven't done exactly what they want you to (however unreasonable), or they punish you when you stick up for yourself, when you try to resists controlling behaviour.....then you don't really have a life partner that is actually on your side, only an opponent in waiting.

Also, your finances should be taking up as much of our mind space as mulling over what you don't like about your husband. Unless you're wealthy, the fact that you haven't mentioned your finances very much in your long post is a bit worrying.

See women’s aid for emotional abuse. Get legal aid. Start the divorce process.

I bet your health problems will improve considerably when you are away from this man!

Good luck OP. You can do it! I have and it’s wonderful on the other side!

How old are the kids?

Yes , ducks in a row - would you consider going back to work as a first step towards that, think it might do you good in more ways than one based on what you say about his behaviours to get out of the toxic dance he has you in of waiting for his time, his replies, his attention. Sounds like an absent , moody, unpredictable, inconsistent husband and father.

I have heard people say here that mercer orders are rare these days for SAHMs to stay in the marital home till the youngest DC is 18 - but you will get a share of equity of the house I believe ? allowing you to buy /rent a place. Have you talked to him about your plans yet ...to see what he says on financial arrangements and child residency /visitation etc - this will help you refine your plan.

Only you can decide if you want to split up or not. Are you happier when he's not around?

If you decide to go ahead, you need legal advice. You also need to think about work and how you're going to support yourself. It's unlikely he will want 50/50 custody if his work takes him away and lot. You will need to think about childcare if you're returning to work.

Good luck OP, get legal advice and speak to women's aid about his abusive behaviour.

I hope you can get away from him. It's no way to live. And the children will think copy his bad behaviour and start treating others like he treats you.

Get copies of everything you can. Bank statement, p60, life insurance, pension, everything you can. I'd go in to his phone if safe to do so when he's not looking if needs be to find the info you need to ensure he doesn't squirrel stuff away.

A woman is at her highest risk when leaving a volatile man. He may not have seemed like that but just be aware.

Start looking at jobs, flats, after school club if needs be and working out how you will support yourself.

I could have written this post and it’s happening for me solicitors been contacted and he’s filed for divorce. You are not alone x

He's a typical controlling narcissist. Do you think he feels "superior" because he's the breadwinner? There's no excuses for his shitty behaviour so, if I were you, speak to a solicitor. You can get free advice (about 30 min session). Also maybe keep a diary of exactly what's said/done so it's not swirling around inside your head? You can't spend your life walking on eggshells x

Please don't armchair diagnose. It helps perpuate stereotypes when you have no proof.

I used to wonder if my then husband was on a spectrum of sorts because his behaviour could be so erratic and un-explainable. Turns out is it very explainable, he was just plain old abusive.

It's intentional - oh so loving so you're on that high of 'he loves me' and you relax that it's all okay then BAM. You think WTF just happened there? Again. What did I do to make him react like that? Again. What can I do to prevent it in future? Again. It also gives them the right, in their eyes, to punish you for whatever it was you didn't do. Again. It's an absolute headfuck. And all part of the rules to be followed from the abusers' handbook.

That headfuck can be recovered from, slowly, and with help. If I were you @IstillloveKingThistle I would give Women's Aid a ring and ask them for recommendations of solicitors in your area and support for you

I am a strong believer that marriage is sacred and a promise to commit to what life may bring. I don’t know if you had approached him to discuss marriage counseling. Clearly he doesn’t sound like he is committed to the marriage but maybe his job is so stressful that it’s leading to feeling overwhelmed in that aspect and other areas of life. Was he always this way? Did it start when he started this job? Maybe stress is getting into the way of his libido or age related libido issues. He definitely needs to work on his issues. Maybe he is having an affair. Most importantly, how do you feel about your love and life with him? Was this something that is happening since the beginning or something that just came up. Maybe he’s having a mid life crisis. If you are being abused then it’s better to take a break from marriage and find somewhere safe. Is he a good communicator? Sometimes what looks like a narcissist is avoidant attachment style love style. I hope you stay safe and figure out what way you need to proceed in your marriage. Good luck

It is NEVER a good idea to go into couples counselling with an abuser. Abusers are more often than not very manipulative and can work their charms on an inexperienced in such matters counsellor. The abused will end up worse off which will benefit the abuser.

If you think you are being abused please do not consider couples counselling.

Going to counselling yourself can help you see the picture from outwith your four walls and can help you build up self esteem. Speaking to domestic abuse experts should be your first priority. They know how it works, they understand. They are there for you

Don't go to couples counselling but get some for yourself to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings around why you are prepared to accept his vile behaviour and to help you with building your confidence and self esteem.
Your parents know he can be abusive so can you turn to them also for emotional support? Next see a solicitor to find out where you stand financially and how you can separate from him.
As he has big mood swings you need to leave safely so speak to Women's Aid for advice. As he's away most of the year he will barely do any parenting l would imagine.
His erratic behaviour sounds awful and the hot/cold treatment very destabilising. Please take the first step to get away from him as this is no way to live.

' I haven’t worked for around three years'

'I hate his job'

Well at least one of you needs to work

Thanks for that ever so kind reply. You have no idea the physical and mental health issues and illnesses I have been through.
Perhaps a little more kindness and empathy on your part might benefit you in commenting on threads going forward.. 👍