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Original poster

*TW* - Can this be classed as consensual?

27 replies

FaithFables · 30/12/2024 17:58

Teens drinking in the park. All pretty wasted. Most leave, leaving only 18 year old girl and 19 year old boy. Girl kisses boy. Boy takes it further, keeps asking if girl is ok with it. Girl says yes. They have sex. Unprotected (🙄).

Boy then has to practically carry girl into a taxi to get her home. She keeps falling asleep/unconscious in the back of the taxi. Gets her home and has to knock on house and get her parents to help him get her out of the taxi because girl can't walk on her own and keeps falling asleep.

Can the sex really be classed as consensual if the girl is that drunk? Especially as she was a virgin beforehand. Not to mention it took place in a wet, cold park in the late afternoon!

Girl thinks it was consensual because "she never said no" but completely regrets it. She's not outwardly upset over it and keeps saying she's ok.

OP posts:
Eminybob · 30/12/2024 18:00

She said yes, she remembers saying yes, which indicates she wasn't black out drunk.
It's not ideal, but I would not say this is non-consensual.

Planits · 30/12/2024 18:01

Well you can’t give consent if you’re drunk… but I’ve heard the successful defence “reasonable belief that it was consensual”.

Bettergetthebunker · 30/12/2024 18:03

Sounds consensual to me

LittleRedRidingHoody · 30/12/2024 18:05

I mean, it's far from ideal - but they were both drunk, she initiated it, and she didn't say no.

KilkennyCats · 30/12/2024 18:07

keeps asking if girl is ok with it. Girl says yes
Sounds pretty consensual to me.

Original poster
FaithFables · 30/12/2024 18:08

Ok, thank you. It's been playing on my mind and I can't talk about it in RL because I don't want to break her confidence.

OP posts:
Basketballhoop · 30/12/2024 18:08

keeps asking if girl is ok with it. Girl says yes.

He kept asking, she kept saying yes. Morning after regret alongside a stonking hangover is not the same as being non-consensual. Especially if she knows she said yes and at no point took the opportunity to say no.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 30/12/2024 18:09

LittleRedRidingHoody · 30/12/2024 18:05

I mean, it's far from ideal - but they were both drunk, she initiated it, and she didn't say no.

I would agree. If they were both drunk, then they took advantage of each other of we're going down that line.

Cinnamorolls · 30/12/2024 18:11

Yes regret isn’t rape. I’ve known of women to have sex then regret it the next day and say it’s rape even though they consented at the time.

TTPDTS · 30/12/2024 18:13

Honestly if he kept asking if she was okay with it and she kept saying yes, it sounds consensual to a point. Her being a virgin doesn't cancel out her saying yes, neither does it being a park!

If they were both drunk it doesn't sound like a fantastic situation, it also depends how quickly alcohol hits people. When I used to drink I could be fine one minute then hit my wall and be asleep - I could definitely consent and then a minute later be asleep, not saying that is what happened here but the alcohol could have properly hit post act?

Her regretting it (tbh sounds like most people would!) doesn't make it rape if she repeatedly consented at the time. Does she have support to deal with the feelings of regret?

CitizenZ · 30/12/2024 18:22

She consented. I have no doubts that she has regrets, and alcohol had a lot to do with her poor decision making, but it would be very dangerous ground to consider consenting while under the influence as rape. This is a learning moment for her and she will need to be treated gently over it.

Dotto · 30/12/2024 18:29

It's not great that he was far less drunk then her and still thought it was a good decision to have sex with her in a wet park.

DuckDuckG00se · 30/12/2024 18:33

Not saying no doesn't equal consent.
Being to drunk to give consent also counts as rape.

However, if he repeatedly verbally checked in with her asking if she was OK to continue/take things further and she verbally replied yes each time then I don't see how he can be guilty of rape, unless he in some way coerced her.

This does sound like regret rather than rape but I do think her drunkeness makes it borderline s to how able she was to consent.

I think it would come down to whether at some point he escalated how far they were going without asking for her consent and she didn't speak up. There is a difference between saying "yes" and "not saying no".

I'm not convinced it would benefit her to push the matter too much further, just be there for her. Tell her that if she ever needs to review it or talk about it in the future, if she ever feels confused, you're there for her.

It's a sad fact that being drunk makes one vulnerable and, cruelly, means one is less likely to be believed if one is assaulted while drunk. That never means one bears any responsibility for any assault that happens while drunk, but it is something we each need to be aware of and try to remain conscious of while drinking or taking drugs. And why we never abandon friends when out, inadvertently or otherwise.

KilkennyCats · 30/12/2024 18:38

She didn’t just not say no, she actively said yes. Multiple times.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 30/12/2024 19:08

And he was drunk too, while she initiated.

Applepoop · 30/12/2024 19:14

It’s all very difficult.

Theres no real difference in age - both very young adults.

They both seemed willing and he repeatedly asked if she was ok with it so made sure that “consent” was ongoing. Although drunk people can’t really consent so…difficult…who can say when and how much was drunk and how valid the consent was.

Overall, I would brush this off as a young mistake, don’t make a big deal of it, sort out emergency contraception and resolve not to get into a situation like this again.

Overthinking22 · 30/12/2024 19:18

I'm sorry you feel this way, it's a horrible feeling which most have experienced. I do worry for my boys growing up in a world where both parties make drunk mistakes but the onus is on the boys to really prove it was consensual, is he claiming assault?

In addition he got her home safely and woke up her parents to do so which I doubt is what he wanted to do either.

andthat · 30/12/2024 19:23

@FaithFables

This is the pertinent part of your post ‘Boy takes it further, keeps asking if girl is ok with it. Girl says yes.’

Your daughter regrets it. But it clearly isn’t non- consensual sex and I really hope for the young man’s sake that this is not suggested, even a rumour could destroy his life.

Work on supporting your daughter in
moving on from the regret she’s feeling. Alcohol makes us lose our inhibitions. It can also make us more vulnerable. So that’s something to talk about so that when she next has sex, it’s a decision that she feels good about.

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/12/2024 19:37

I agree with PPs, it was not rape access would be wrong to accuse the boy.

She may need support dealing with the regret but he cannot have his life ruined over this

If there is time, get her the MAP.

mitogoshigg · 30/12/2024 19:44

Far from ideal but yes it's consensual

Original poster
FaithFables · 30/12/2024 19:57

andthat · 30/12/2024 19:23

@FaithFables

This is the pertinent part of your post ‘Boy takes it further, keeps asking if girl is ok with it. Girl says yes.’

Your daughter regrets it. But it clearly isn’t non- consensual sex and I really hope for the young man’s sake that this is not suggested, even a rumour could destroy his life.

Work on supporting your daughter in
moving on from the regret she’s feeling. Alcohol makes us lose our inhibitions. It can also make us more vulnerable. So that’s something to talk about so that when she next has sex, it’s a decision that she feels good about.

This is good advice, thank you. I asked more for my own clarification so I know how best to support her.

And thanks everyone else too for helping me put it in perspective. I guess I'm just a little sad for her that her first time ended up being a drunken fumble in the park that she regrets.

OP posts:
Original poster
FaithFables · 30/12/2024 19:58

@Theimpossiblegirl thanks. That's the first thing I did when she told me.

OP posts:
Dery · 30/12/2024 19:58

Agree with PPs - this was consensual. It sounds like the boy took care to keep checking in with her and she kept saying ‘yes’.

I have young adult daughters myself but I know some of their male friends and I have friends with sons. I worry for them being on the receiving end of this kind of thing and I feel quite concerned that someone could suggest this was not consensual when both young people were somewhat inebriated and the boy repeatedly checked in with the girl and she repeatedly confirmed her consent. PPs above have made some really good and important suggestions about conversations to be had going forward about alcohol and vulnerability.

Maddy70 · 30/12/2024 20:15

She said yes several times. Tbh if teen-agers didn't drink 90%of us would still be virgins

She was sober enough to consent several times

InkHeart2024 · 30/12/2024 20:16

Planits · 30/12/2024 18:01

Well you can’t give consent if you’re drunk… but I’ve heard the successful defence “reasonable belief that it was consensual”.

You can definitely give consent if you're drunk. You can't give consent if you're blacked out or insensible with alcohol.