Why do so many men threaten suicide?

[HelenInHeels]

I'm not talking generally here or minimising the reality of male suicide for real.

I mean guys who threaten to kill themselves if their wife or partner goes through with dumping their sorry asses when they've been found out. I've seen it so many times on here. It makes a mockery of suicide victims and I hate it.

This. Basically.
I heard a female friend do it to her husband once and in that moment I saw her for the manipulative cunt she was. People can be in all sorts of mental pain without doing that. The ones who do are cunts.

Oh I completely agree. Suicide as a whole is a issue that is woefully underfunded, a lack of social support, and a lack of education on the matter. It's not a competition between male suicide rates vs female suicide rates. Both have the same result and families left behind to suffer the aftermath.

I only know 4 men who've threatened suicide, all 4 went through with it, and 2 died.

All 4 were very mentally unwell. 2 of the 4 were in mental health support services prior and one wasn't and one had sought help and been denied. 3 of the 4, the catalyst was the ending of a relationship. However the 2 who did die, 1 was just very mentally unwell, and the other wanted to punish his partner and the way he did it sort of proved this.

So in conclusions, 1 of 4 did it to hurt their ex partner.

Exactly this, my stepmother put up with these pathetic sort of threats for 45 years. Her husband was a total manipulative narcissist that would roll out the same old shit everytime. When he became to old and infirm to push her around the poor me crap started. Eventually he sank in to his own pool of shit and dementia. He died 3 years ago and she's been able to finally make her own free decisions at 89. It's all about coercion and control.

This.

The two men I know who’ve done this are frightening alike in personality - and I’m pretty positive have narcissistic personality disorder and/or are sociopaths. Extremely manipulative and controlling.

Both threatened suicide when their wives found out about their affairs.

And both of them unfortunately have wives who don’t seem to be able to kick them to the kerb and stay with them despite the abuse. On the surface both women seem strong and confident, but they are completely at the mercy of these men I guess due to the psychological abuse they’ve been conditioned to accept for many years.

I see right through them both but the wives either don’t seem able to or have some kind of saviour complex.

It's blackmail.

'If you do / don't do X, then I will do Y and it will be all your fault'.

I once had a boyfriend who threatened suicide when I broke it off with him. He was very emotionally immature, it was the only solution he could think of. Forty or so years after my breezy "fine, ok" he is still alive according to a bit of Facebook stalking.

As others have said, men who truly mean to commit suicide generally don't speak about it. This sadly was the case with a colleague's DH, she had no idea.

Well it is a way to maintain control when you are desperate and try to get your needs met through threats. However. Suicide investigations do show that separation is a key time for suicide completion by male domestic abusers. Female victims of domestic abuse are also more likely to complete suicide, but the risk has a longer timescale after the point of separation (the point of separation is a big risk for escalation of violence towards them, but the years after can be very difficult for mental health.)
Ultimately people in unstable relationships who tend to be abusive and controlling commonly have complex trauma themselves and issues around abandonment and impulsivity.

'Since women are three times more likely to attempt suicide/self harm shouldn't that be the main focus? Men are more likely to die because they use more violent means."

Yes. I mean suicide is the second highest killer in men over 40 but really we should just forget this, let men get busy with killing themselves and focus all our attention on women ?

Don't worry, its not the "right" men that are killing themselves. These men aren't 6 foot plus, couple of million in the bank l, successful property developer kind of guy that is so much in demand.

Has anyone also noticed that in Testicular Cancer and Prostate Cancer so much money is spent on men ?

Surely the focus should be on those brave women left behind by these selfish, self centred men who choose to die of these cancers ?

Won't somebody think of the woman ?

I think you’ve wandered over to Mumsnet by mistake love. This is website primarily for Mums (the clue’s in the name)

I think you’ll have more sympathy with your argument on Reddit or somewhere.

Its typical in abusive relationships, usually the abuser threatens suicide when the other person tries to end the relationship. That happened to me.
I'm not proud of it, but after I left and was taking refuge elsewhere, he rang telling me he was going to kill himself, and I was so sick of him by then I said 'you crack on'. He didn't do it, surprise surprise.

The discussion isn't about suicidal men.

HTH

@Thatsthebottomline Go and take your soapbox elsewhere.

emotional blackmail.. and to be fair, a lot of women do it too! they have no intentions of harming themselves, they just want you to feel shit!

those who are going to harm themselves do it without fuss and don't annouce it too the world! we lost a son 5 years back, we had no idea he was even struggling with his MH, he went out one night and the following day was found! heartbreaking.

the people who threaten to do it, normally its just to make other people feel bad but there are those out there who are at their wits end, and it really is the only thing they can can to get the help that they need

Control.

it's called "emotional manipulation" and men are experts at it, they know we (women) are empathic creatures by nature and exploit that to the max.

Narcissism. It's a form of control and counts as domestic abuse

If you're seriously suggesting men are the ones that predominantly apply emotional manipulation then even by MN standards you're barking up the wrong tree.

I don't see anywhere that says 'men do this more', it's simply a discussion about men who do it. If you fancy a chat about women you could start your own thread?

I do not think there is necessarily a large overlap between men threatening suicide and men who actually do it

I have two friends who have men who have threatened with Dutch to manipulate their partner into staying and yes it is working

One of the men even pulled out a kitchen knife and held it on his chest saying : is this what you want

The women are too scared to leave in case they go through with it. It is an about manipulation and control. Yes these men are troubled and yes they clearly need help

But the person above who said it is part of a much wider problem, which is that in our society women are responsible for men's emotions, has it spot on

I know someone who did carry through with their threat. He had a relatively high-profile job and they think he couldn't bear to lose face that his wife had left him because of his abusive behaviour to her and their sons.

My take on that is at least she didn't have another 15-20 years of him trying to control her via the children 🤷‍♀️

Interesting that you said "love", I'm sure a man using such a term would be sexist. Sexism - OK if women do it. Thanks.

I'll remeber not to do that at my female dominated work place, 44 women, 2 men.

Interestingly for our work Christmas do we went to see "Lets Here it for the Girls" with a male stripper which, naturally, isn't sexist at all as women were OK with some bloke with his bits out.

Suicide in the second biggest killer in men ? Is it in women ? I think anything that stops a man from generating a million pound bank balance whilst working 70 hours a week and being told he "doesn't do enough at home" would be worrying enough.

But ladies, do you really want a man to show emotions unless they are violent ones ?

82% of men in prison are fathers would suggest otherwise

I had an ex do this to me. I have no doubt he felt like shit (as did I) when the relationship ended. But it was his way of getting my attention as everything else failed- he was incredibly toxic and a narcissist. And he was a class A victim when it suited him. Thankfully he's moved onto his next supply now.

My ex threatened to throw himself off a motorway bridge. I offered him a lift there. He then moved on to having three months left to live due to some unspecified illness that was diagnosed, complete with three month prognosis, in one ten
minute GP visit.

That was nearly thirty years ago, and at the last count, he’s been given three months to live no less than four times since then, coincidently, each coming at exactly the same time the latest girlfriend came to her senses and ditched him.

My ex would do this, I always ensured help was got, he had a couple of near misses, one hdu admission, 1 ITU admission, he carried on doing this with subsequent relationships when the partner tried to leave, he did this until his most recent turned her phone off and he did actually succeed. He was an abusive bastard and I felt sorry for his partner.