Advice Please

[ThisTicklishOtter]

On and off with ex wife . Now on for 4 months . Our existence is based of the roles we’ve bother assumed . I work work , she works and in turn ends up being with the kids more so than me - context

fast forward to Christmas , I lost my mother around this time of the year 10 and this year it’s really hit me hard and I explained to my partner that I was having a hard time this year

in my own selfish inconsiderate bubble I didn’t get anyone presents including her .

she wasn’t and shouldn’t be fine with this but why do I feel not seen ? Why do I feel like my struggle over this time of the year has gone ignored and taken a back seat because of the lack of a present

I’m only posting so I don’t over react because everything I’m coming up with is ending with “END IT “

Your mother died 10 years ago and therefore you could not buy presents? Is that right?

No just this Christmas has been a whirlpool of emotions and Christmas literally came and went without a single thought from me . Didn’t help I was working 25/26

Do you see her, I assume she did all of the work leading up to Christmas with the kids, decorated the house, bought the food, wrapped the gifts? What if she had been having a hard time too? She doesn’t have the option to just not do it because then the kids would have no Christmas.

I’m sorry you’re finding this year difficult - grief is horrible but when you’re a parent you really can’t just dip out of things. Life and responsibilities have to go on and if she has everything else covered, buying her a gift and appreciating her efforts is really the least you could do.

I’d suggest if you want to be seen, you need to see her.

I Think that is pretty poor behavior from you. You Can order online.
Your grief took a back Seat - what did you want? It was Christmas! I would have been very disappointed if I was your on off wife..

There are other times to buy presents, not just the week before.

thats the thing , the grief did indeed take a backseat until it didn’t this year . I assume you’ve experienced an all -consuming grief that turned into a never ending sad . All you say never crossed my mind and it sounds unbelievable

Sound like a cop out. Ofcourse You Can buy your family presents even if you are grieving.
It was one thing you should do. One thing.
Ask your wife if she feel seen!

Appreciate the advice 😂😂

I assume you’ve experienced an all -consuming grief that turned into a never ending sad

It’s very difficult but what if your wife too had something all consuming that stopped her in her tracks? The house still needs to run and children need to be cared for. Did your grief stop you from working? I’m guessing not, so really you’re saying you could do things that mattered enough to you, and she just didn’t.

And yes i have. My dad died when my children was small. But I was a single mother and did not have the luxury to do fuck all. I did everything. Because that is what parents do. Even at Christmas

I applaud your perseverance💪🏾

I now know my mistake , asking for advice but not specifically asking for male advice . The reason I couldn’t speak to DP is because it would have turned into a “what about me “ when really for just this moment I was only talking about what I was feeling

Why? It is what decent parents do?
Why didnt you? How could you just not buy your wife one present? It could not have been because you forgot? Did you not Care?
What do you mean your grief took a back Seat? What did you want?
Does your on off wife feel seen?

In the context of an on and off with ex wife, if you valued your relationship with your wife, you should have made the 10 minute effort to buy her a Christmas present during the last 4 months.

A bereavement of 10 years ago isn't a good excuse. If you find it so hugely traumatic, 10 years on, you should be seeing a therapist.

again , I admire your tenacity as a parent who walks through the dark days without a thought or a pause . Well done . I’m not like you , hence seeking advise .

The reason I couldn’t speak to DP is because it would have turned into a “what about me “ when really for just this moment I was only talking about what I was feeling

What about me is a valid question when you’ve totally taken for granted that she’ll keep things going while you opt out. What have you done about this all encompassing grief? Sought therapy? Seen your GP? Gone to bereavement support groups?

It sounds like you’re focussing on yourself and what you’re feeling to the exclusion of all else, which is self indulgent when you have a wife and kids and Christmas on the horizon.

Surely the obvious thing to do would be learn to sometimes put the feelings of your wife and children above your own feelings. Be a better parent and husband. But yes, get therapy.

again , I admire your tenacity as a parent who walks through the dark days without a thought or a pause . Well done . I’m not like you , hence seeking advise

Im a single mum. I don’t get a pause whatever I’m feeling because my kids need me. You dropped the rope for your wife to pick up and are now complaining she doesn’t see you. I think she sees you very clearly, and you don’t like it.

So your wife provided Christmas while you induldged yourself wallowing. I’d be done with you. Your poor kids putting up with that over Christmas.

Yes , did that for 9 years , just so happened this 10th year was the one that I didn’t do

Yes maam

I don’t think you want advice, I think you want people to validate your choice to leave it all to your wife, and to affirm your choice to not buy her a gift. You’ve came to the wrong place for that I’m afraid.

WOW you didn't help your child's mother with Christmas present buying ?!!!
you did pay towards it all...

What did you do regarding the family Christmas celebrations ?

or did you really just wallow in your grief, and let the woman do all the work

You didn't make Christmas all about you - did you

as it's mainly for the children...

What an odd reply.

I again advise therapy if you sincerely wish to save your marriage.

Well you've asked for advice but you don't like it because everyone agrees with you that you've been selfish & inconsiderate. Grief hitting you hard this year might be your reason for not showing a moment's thought to the person you supposedly love but it's not an excuse.

she wasn’t and shouldn’t be fine with this but why do I feel not seen ? Why do I feel like my struggle over this time of the year has gone ignored and taken a back seat because of the lack of a present

Because it isn't just a "lack of present". It is, in your own words, selfishness. You have said yourself that you've given no thought whatsoever to Christmas, or to her. She is, presumably, justifiably deeply hurt by this and, what, questioning your reformed relationship?

Completely ignoring her existence at Christmas, which is effectively what you've done, while take-take-taking everything, because you've been hit by a wave of grief is not the behaviour of a committed partner. It's the behaviour of a selfish individual who cares only for themselves. Calling out everyone who tells you you're in the wrong and suggesting they're being sanctimonious doesn't change this.

It seems to me what you're looking for is for people, perhaps men if let down by women here, to tell you that you what you did what shit but understandable and she should cut you some slack. What is your plan if no one will do this?

Will you reflect on your behaviour and perhaps consider that your grief & overwork is no excuse? Or will you just assume that everyone on mumsnet is too perfect and does not understand your grief?

I am sorry for your grief over the loss of your mum and grief does have a habit of hitting us hard when we don't expect it, but it doesn't give us a licence to treat others badly.

The best advice I can give you is to be accountable for your shitty behaviour, apologise and in the new year find a bereavement counsellor to help you through this difficult time, while making an effort to be a halfway decent partner. That is how you will find your struggles are seen and acknowledged.