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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this comment bother you?

41 replies

Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:19

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, he lives around 40minute drive away from me.
we are both mid 30s and he is back living with his parents following his last relationship ending. His brother also lives there.
due to that, he comes and stays with me. I have visited his home before twice but generally he comes to me and stays a few days a week. I have my own house and live alone.
today he commented that even if he had his own place he would have to “do all the running anyway” as I would never come to him. He wasn’t joking when he said this and it felt like a dig. I quizzed him on it and he said he imagines that if he had his own house then I would still expect him to travel to me and to would be all one sided. I genuinely don’t know why he would say that, I’d rather he did have his own place. in all my previous relationships I have equally visited my boyfriends and vice versa, I’ve had a boyfriend who lived much further away and travelled weekly to see him.
my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care about the comment but it just made me feel like he has me all wrong.
ive also had an emotional Christmas with family things so I could just be a bit sensitive

OP posts:
Weyohweyoh · 29/12/2024 23:21

Tell him to get his own place sorted so you can test his theory. He’s making excuses because he’s quite comfortable at his parents by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:25

Weyohweyoh · 29/12/2024 23:21

Tell him to get his own place sorted so you can test his theory. He’s making excuses because he’s quite comfortable at his parents by the sounds of it.

I don’t know. He is looking for somewhere. I don’t really care that he lives at home but I care that he has be totally wrong

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 23:26

I genuinely don’t know why he would say that

Did you not ask?

Original poster
Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:29

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 23:26

I genuinely don’t know why he would say that

Did you not ask?

I did. And he said because he think he would still be expected to do all the driving to see me and I wouldn’t come see him

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 29/12/2024 23:30

It’s probably to make the embarrassment/awkwardness of living at home with his parents and brother less so by deflecting negativity onto you. You having a place probably makes him feel a bit inadequate, maybe even jealous, so he’s trying to bring you down a bit with this imaginary scenario where he places you as the unreasonable one. It’s deflection. Sounds like an idiot.

Waterboatlass · 29/12/2024 23:35

Does he invite you to his home/ make clear you're welcome there for the evening if not to stay? I get that it's preferable to stay at yours but has he made the effort to welcome you or have you gone on dates on his side of town? Would he say it's defaulted to him travelling with no discussion when there are other options

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 23:37

Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:29

I did. And he said because he think he would still be expected to do all the driving to see me and I wouldn’t come see him

Show quote history

Yes, and did you not ask why he thinks that?

Original poster
Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:38

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 23:37

Yes, and did you not ask why he thinks that?

Show quote history

He said because that’s how it’s been

OP posts:
Original poster
Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:39

Waterboatlass · 29/12/2024 23:35

Does he invite you to his home/ make clear you're welcome there for the evening if not to stay? I get that it's preferable to stay at yours but has he made the effort to welcome you or have you gone on dates on his side of town? Would he say it's defaulted to him travelling with no discussion when there are other options

I’ve been to his home twice when there was a show/dinner over that way but no generally he does just come to me and he said he prefers that too. He has always said he doesn’t want us to have to sit in his room etc like teenagers and I would agree

OP posts:
Critsey · 29/12/2024 23:40

He sounds petty and having a dig at you.
Not great OP.
I wouldn't be impressed.

Lighteningstrikes · 29/12/2024 23:44

You should have said you wouldn’t mind going over and sitting with him and his mum and dad 😂

But seriously, what an idiotic comment. It would have wound me up.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 23:45

Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:38

He said because that’s how it’s been

Show quote history

This is a bit like pulling hen’s teeth, OP.

I suppose I can now say ‘Did you point out that’s the way it’s been because he doesn’t have a place/prefers coming to yours?’ Then ask what his response was to that. And so on and so forth.

Or you can just say. When he said these things to you, did you then have a rational conversation about his reasoning and your thoughts on that? I’m guessing not? If that’s the case, then you should have said conversation.

Original poster
Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:51

ForZanyAquaViewer · 29/12/2024 23:45

This is a bit like pulling hen’s teeth, OP.

I suppose I can now say ‘Did you point out that’s the way it’s been because he doesn’t have a place/prefers coming to yours?’ Then ask what his response was to that. And so on and so forth.

Or you can just say. When he said these things to you, did you then have a rational conversation about his reasoning and your thoughts on that? I’m guessing not? If that’s the case, then you should have said conversation.

Show quote history

No, like I said in first post, he didn’t seem to care about the comment at all and couldn’t understand why I was bothered by it. He wasn’t engaging in the convo so I don’t have the hens teeth for you im afraid

OP posts:
ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 23:52

Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:38

He said because that’s how it’s been

Show quote history

This is ridiculous. He knows full well why he comes to yours all the time - because he doesn't have his own place. I'm sorry that he feels bad about that, but there's no need to take it out on you by ascribing a negative personality trait to you. How insulting. I would be very unimpressed, OP, and I would have it out with him. He should know that he doesn't just get to criticise your personality for LITERALLY NO REASON.

This kind of shit is why I like to stay single.

ThatKhakiMoose · 29/12/2024 23:53

Sockrock33 · 29/12/2024 23:51

No, like I said in first post, he didn’t seem to care about the comment at all and couldn’t understand why I was bothered by it. He wasn’t engaging in the convo so I don’t have the hens teeth for you im afraid

Show quote history

Yeah, I bet he appeared not to understand why you were bothered. He insulted your character and now he doesn't want to deal with the fallout of that. He just wants to say something bad about you and get away with it.

He had no right to say that about you, OP.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2024 23:56

Why does he live with his parents?

RogueFemale · 29/12/2024 23:56

It doesn't sound like a deep or committed relationship.

Sometimeswinning · 30/12/2024 00:14

I probably would have said we’ll have this chat again when you move out of your parents house like a proper adult. Until then only one of us has a house!

Id rather hand his attitude back on plate to him than be offended!

Gymbunny2025 · 30/12/2024 01:04

He was hinting about moving in with you in a roundabout way wasn't he? So he doesn't have to do all the travelling anymore? And doesn't need to get a place of his own 🙄

buttonousmaximous · 30/12/2024 01:30

I'd ask is he wanting you to visit more because you can if he'd like. If he says no just say well then you are the reason I don't visit more not me!

It sounds like he's feeling hard done to because he does more travelling and he's playing martyr

CouldntGiveAHoot · 30/12/2024 02:53

What an immature man he sounds to be. Insulting you and then 'not engaging in the conversation'.

Insulting my eyes, that behaviour would have resulted in an argument, because you don't get to slag me off and then check out explaining yourself.

Monty27 · 30/12/2024 04:29

Has he ever hinted about moving in? Maybe it's a side tackle by him.

Shabba2025 · 30/12/2024 05:07

I would just say something back about bills, such as, yeah it would be good to give my electricity and water bills a rest for a change, it's costing me a fortune (you cheeky bastard)...

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2024 05:37

It’s probably to make the embarrassment/awkwardness of living at home with his parents and brother less so by deflecting negativity onto you. You having a place probably makes him feel a bit inadequate, maybe even jealous, so he’s trying to bring you down a bit with this imaginary scenario where he places you as the unreasonable one. It’s deflection. Sounds like an idiot.

This!!!!!! I would test his theory by insisting that for a indefinite period you would be going to his, citing you’d hate for him to shoulder the inconvenience of travelling to a place where he’d enjoy privacy and all mod cons. Nothing like a dose of reality to bring his foolishness into sharp focus, idiot. Don’t let this man move in!!!!!

Janpoppy · 30/12/2024 05:42

Red flag behaviour.