My husband cheated and I don’t know how I feel?

[Virgo97x]

just found out my husband of 5 years has whole secret phone and he’s been sexting and exchanging nudes with women he doesn’t even know and has sent one of them money. We have 2 young children together and aside from this he’s a loving husband and the most amazing father.

anyway to the point.. I am somewhat hurt by this but at the same time I feel a bit like “it’s not that bad”. I admit my sex drive is VERY low, if it was up to me we’d never do it but I just get on with it for his sake maybe 3/4 times a month and it’s always very quick cos I’m just not into it so he is saying it’s because of that, but surely porn would give him the same satisfaction he’s getting off these random girls he’s talking to? He’s adamant he’s not slept with anyone else or even met up and I think I believe him. I feel like I should leave him because he’s disrespected me and our relationship but I like our life together and I’m so comfortable as we are, the thought of starting all over again and being a single parent terrifies me!! Plus it’s his house so i would have to go back to my mums house.

am I not normal for feeling like this? Should I have better self worth? I’m sooo confused!!

It's not "his" house, you are married and have 2 children! You have rights to the property. Raise your bar and don't accept this, he's got a secret life, why on earth would you think this is ok?

He doesn’t have his own house, he is married so it’s both of yours. Honestly if he gets the opportunity he will move on to sleeping with another woman and then what will you do? If he has a high sex drive and you don’t then you aren’t really compatible anyway. I’d cut your losses now

no he doesn’t own the house we rent but it’s rented to him and he pays for it all, at this moment I wouldn’t be able to afford to pay what he pays, my only option is to move back home and save which would take so long

Loving husbands don't sext and send nudies, amazing fathers dont risk their marriage and childrens security. Why can't he leave?

We just rent, he doesn’t own it but I can’t afford it as he pays majority of the bills

You have two children. You'd presumably get universal credit, help with rent and hopefully maintenance if you split. No need to put up with a cheating arse husband. He's not an amazing father or a loving husband. Up to you, but it's only downhill from here if you accept this behaviour.

You said above you like your life together, unfortunately he doesn’t. This is why he is seeking females elsewhere and sending money. You’re not meeting his needs, so will need to decide what to do.

He will apologise, you’ll accept it and move on. However you will need to know he will cheat on you and whether you’re happy to accept that or not.

It's definitely a grey area . Like you have said in other aspects you work well together.

But he has needs and is seeking attention elsewhere.
Could you maybe do couples therapy and go from there.
Not minding so much is fine but it's when it goes to a full blown affair and then to the point where he then chooses the other woman .
Then you will be back to the same point you are now when it comes to housing/money .
So either way you will have to address the situation and try to fix it .

What sort of arsehole comment is that?

Maybe you would like sex if he was a good lover?

What has food got to do with it? I cook, clean, look after the kids most days all while working 2 days a week! He's not starved of sex, we still do it it’s just lost the spark but I don’t think it justifies what he has done, if he’s not happy he should have left! Sex and sandwiches don’t make a relationship!

It's definitely a grey area . Like you have said in other aspects you work well together

No, it isn’t. He has blatantly disrespected the OP , their marriage and their family.

I can’t see how it matters that OP’s husband didn’t insert himself into anyone. He has been wildly disrespectful to the OP. This is not a man worth continuing with.

Why are you blaming OP?

Maybe you don’t have to feel anything yet? Take some time to decide what path you want to take - not what your husband persuades you to do or other people advise you. Consider other people’s point of view but ultimately this is your life and your decision.

Some women can turn a blind eye to this kind of thing, I wouldn't be able to, and would be waiting for the (inevitable) full blown affair or encounter. At the moment you have the choice to stay, what if he meets someone and wants to pursue it? (he's already looking!).

You either have couples therapy and work together to make your marriage better (with lots of commitment from him of course) or you walk. Don't just forgive and do nothing.

I never thought I’d be able to either but now it’s happened I’m like why am I not as heartbroken as I thought I would be? Maybe because it’s all been over messages and not face to face. I know it’s wrong, I’d never dream of doing what he’s done but I just feel so strange like I’m upset but not as much as I should be, I feel more betrayed than heartbroken

Is your self esteem really so low that you accept your husband exchanging nudes and sending strangers money with a shrug of the shoulders and that it’s not that bad? It really is THAT bad. It’s appalling disrespectful and he certainly isn’t an amazing father - he’s giving money that could be spent on his DC to random women. An amazing father wouldn’t be spending time that he should be concentrating on his children taking photos of his cock to send to online randoms. It’s fucking grim sleazy and vile behaviour

I think the sex thing is a big issue here. It must be horrible for him knowing you’re not enjoying it and him having to hurry up probably makes him feel unwanted.
Is there a way you are willing to work on that if you want to save your relationship?

You say he hasn’t cheated, and If that’s the case, then it’s only a matter of time.
Sometimes men need to be shown they are wanted and needed, especially if he’s good in every other aspect.

What he has done is disgusting, but IMO it’s salvageable if you can both work on it.
And asking why he won’t just be satisfied with porn is wrong too. He probably does do that but it’s You he really wants !

Your H is giving money that should be used for your family to strangers, his behaviour will escalate. He is NOT an amazing husband and father - he is lying, cheating and watching porn. His behaviour will likely escalate. He has no respect for women, so what will he model to your children. Ugh!! Get out

The only way you can find out how much you'd be entitled to financially is to go on an online checker and see.

I know someone who got £840 a month plus the interest on her mortgage paid.

Plus she also got a lot of maintenance for her child and had her part time salary (two days work a week), all her debts frozen, social tariff on her broadband, free dental, and was actually better off once she split with her husband!

So look into it and THEN see how you feel.

Some people are fine with such behaviour.
Or porn, or only fans.
Some are not.
It's up to you.

I have split with my last three partners because I hit menopause and have no sex drive and they were going to stray so I released them first.
Broke my heart.
But they were just too horny and I couldnt deal with having to do stuff I didn't really want to do to keep the peace.

Yeah 100% it’s a issue, it’s been like this for 2 years since I had my youngest I gained a lot of weight and had postpartum depression and I still take tablets now for depression, it’s not as bad as it was, there has been improvement but he’s had this phone for over a year so even tho he knows I’m trying he still looks elsewhere