Page 2 | My husband cheated and I don’t know how I feel?

Original poster

Virgo97x · 29/12/2024 17:27

DeliciousApples · 29/12/2024 17:17

The only way you can find out how much you'd be entitled to financially is to go on an online checker and see.

I know someone who got £840 a month plus the interest on her mortgage paid.

Plus she also got a lot of maintenance for her child and had her part time salary (two days work a week), all her debts frozen, social tariff on her broadband, free dental, and was actually better off once she split with her husband!

So look into it and THEN see how you feel.

Some people are fine with such behaviour.
Or porn, or only fans.
Some are not.
It's up to you.

I have split with my last three partners because I hit menopause and have no sex drive and they were going to stray so I released them first.
Broke my heart.
But they were just too horny and I couldnt deal with having to do stuff I didn't really want to do to keep the peace.

It’s awful isn’t it, sometimes I feel like crying mid sex cos I’m just like I really don’t want this to happen, it doesn’t feel good and my mind is everywhere but!

I would be entitled to enough to live on but I wouldn’t have him, he’s my only friend really, I’d be lost without him

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 29/12/2024 17:41

If you do decide to stay with him and turn a blind eye, you wouldn't be the first and I wouldn't judge you. People overlook all sorts of shit to maintain the family unit or a certain lifestyle, or because they don't want to parent alone. As others have pointed out, the biggest danger in doing so is escalation - having gotten away with this, the next step is a full blown affair with the potential for your life to get blown up anyway if HE decides to end the marriage. No easy answers OP and give yourself time, space and possibly the support of a counsellor to work through this. You don't have to feel a certain way about it or do what others feel you 'should'.

MyNewLife2025 · 29/12/2024 17:43

@Virgo97x if you can I’d have counselling in my own.
I wouldn’t take a decision just now but I’d take my time to take stock in what’s going on in your marriage.
Meanwhile I’d try and put a bit of money aside.

Assuming yur sex drives were matching before, there are many reasons why your libido is low. It could well be just sheer exhaustion. It might be about how you feel about yourself, effect of ADs or his behaviour in the relationship (because he might be a great dad but I doubt he is perfect, I’m pretty sure you carry most of the mental load etc….)

Then take a decision.

My only word of warning so to speak is to really feel confident about your decision. Don’t stay whilst also doubting you can accept what he has done (incl the secrecy and the lies). It’s going to eat at you and destroy your self esteem.

theleafandnotthetree · 29/12/2024 17:44

Virgo97x · 29/12/2024 17:27

It’s awful isn’t it, sometimes I feel like crying mid sex cos I’m just like I really don’t want this to happen, it doesn’t feel good and my mind is everywhere but!

I would be entitled to enough to live on but I wouldn’t have him, he’s my only friend really, I’d be lost without him

Show quote history

Well him being your only friend is 100% the first thing to work on. That's not right and leaves you very vulnerable. Take time to build yourself up, to create a good life for you outside of him and even your children and then you'll be in a much better position to make good decisions.

DoAWheelie · 29/12/2024 17:52

I think the relationship is over and you are not feeling much because you secretly want this but won't let yourself accept it.

You keep forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to and it sounds like this is really starting to affect you mentally (wanting to cry etc). If you keep doing subjecting yourself to trauma like this it's going to really mess with you.

The fact that he hasn't noticed how bad it makes you feel (or worse - noticed but decided to carry on anyway!) shows he cares more about getting off than about how you feel.

He won't stop cheating and you won't suddenly start wanting sex again so things are going to keep spiraling worse and worse. Get out now before he destroys you mentally. Going it alone is scary but you can do it.

Original poster

Virgo97x · 29/12/2024 18:10

Thank you everyone for your advice I’m in tears reading some of your replies because I know I deserve better, I’m gonna take a few days apart and see how I feel with some space. 🫶🏼

OP posts:

Piggled · 29/12/2024 18:23

Regardless as to whether you want to end it now, the marriage in any true sense is over. It will end eventually. Cue years and years of your self esteem being eroded in the process.

start planning to leave, even if it takes years, retraining, whatever. You say you are comfortable with your life but you’re on sinking sands. Best to prepare when you have the time.

AwwmyfuckingGod · 29/12/2024 18:27

KhakiOrca · 29/12/2024 17:14

I think the sex thing is a big issue here. It must be horrible for him knowing you’re not enjoying it and him having to hurry up probably makes him feel unwanted.
Is there a way you are willing to work on that if you want to save your relationship?

You say he hasn’t cheated, and If that’s the case, then it’s only a matter of time.
Sometimes men need to be shown they are wanted and needed, especially if he’s good in every other aspect.

What he has done is disgusting, but IMO it’s salvageable if you can both work on it.
And asking why he won’t just be satisfied with porn is wrong too. He probably does do that but it’s You he really wants !

Edited

Spot on !

Extremely unmumsnet perspective.. and in theory a bloke that wants sex when you don't is just a pig ... but sorry .. in real life it doesn't work that way ... although it should ..

You have probably got three choices. Nine of which are right or wrong just what is best for you and your family..

Fuck him off ! A man that can't understand where you are at is not a man you need to. He needs to pack his bags and go find his 'hunny' (yuck) . (You then have to manage the finances on your own within the benefit system) and the kids will be with him alone somewhere between E O weekend and 50:50

Suggest relationship counselling and try to get a third party to understand how you feel ..

3.. Get back in that horse and 'fake it till you make it' if all else is good in the relationship.. and you don't want to change your existing financial set up and also WANT to be with him..

GreyAreas · 29/12/2024 18:40

Well, you can stay as you are, you can choose to separate, or you could suggest non monogamy (or messaging only but with your knowledge) but staying together. None of us are you and you can do whatever you want to. I really do think you should stop the sex that's making you cry though, that's not ok for you.

Bibi12 · 29/12/2024 19:46

OP first off all, there is no right or wrong way to feel and it doesn't define your worth or even your self-esteem.
Secondly everyone is very quick to advocate leaving until it happens in their own relationship. In real life there are many factors to consider and again you're not right or wrong for making a choice that is best for you and your family.
You definitely need some space to clear your head and decide on next step.

Pandasnacks · 29/12/2024 20:01

Reported your dodgy post

Jennyathemall · 29/12/2024 20:02

theleafandnotthetree · 29/12/2024 17:41

If you do decide to stay with him and turn a blind eye, you wouldn't be the first and I wouldn't judge you. People overlook all sorts of shit to maintain the family unit or a certain lifestyle, or because they don't want to parent alone. As others have pointed out, the biggest danger in doing so is escalation - having gotten away with this, the next step is a full blown affair with the potential for your life to get blown up anyway if HE decides to end the marriage. No easy answers OP and give yourself time, space and possibly the support of a counsellor to work through this. You don't have to feel a certain way about it or do what others feel you 'should'.

This.

Bec1968 · 29/12/2024 20:20

My husband did this. Over 11 years ago now. No excuse for him doing it, he doesn't know why he did it. There were many things going on in our relationship, lots of really personal stuff, we had been thru 4 rounds of ivf, had a miscarriage, and were on the route to adoption when I found him on his lap top, in a chat room talking to women and sexting them.
I was devastated, he was sorry, all the usual stuff they say. I threw him out. Because I was HURT, ANGRY, but mostly i was DISAPPOINTED that our marriage had come to this.
He begged me to come back, we went to marriage counselling together and i myself on my own. I realised that even through this was down to him, what I was like in my marriage did not help the situation either. We had been thru so much and all I was doing was fighting for the next thing, the next moment, I didn't stop to think how everything we had been thru had hurt him too.
Don't get me wrong I screamed, I shouted, I even hit him a couple times, an I know for sure he didn't deserve the bruises I gave him, if it was the other way around and he had hit me for it, people wud be saying to leave him, he hit you etc.
But my husband kept fighting for us, for our marriage. He proved how much he was sorry how much he loved & wanted me. Counselling helped us A LOT, it helped us see where we were both going wrong & what we could do to make it better together. 11 years later we have 2 adopted children whom we love till the ends of the earth. He is a fantastic dad and a loving husband, I have no doubt at all in my mind that he has never done this since. I still have access to his devices, but I NEVER check them, because I trust him more than ever now. If you want your marriage to work, then u BOTH need to work at it, yes he did the wrong, yes he really needs to prove himself, but if u want it too, then you need to be able to forgive (I won't say forget cos that's impossible) but if ur willing and he wants it that badly, it can work ... good luck xx

Original poster

Virgo97x · 29/12/2024 20:32

Bec1968 · 29/12/2024 20:20

My husband did this. Over 11 years ago now. No excuse for him doing it, he doesn't know why he did it. There were many things going on in our relationship, lots of really personal stuff, we had been thru 4 rounds of ivf, had a miscarriage, and were on the route to adoption when I found him on his lap top, in a chat room talking to women and sexting them.
I was devastated, he was sorry, all the usual stuff they say. I threw him out. Because I was HURT, ANGRY, but mostly i was DISAPPOINTED that our marriage had come to this.
He begged me to come back, we went to marriage counselling together and i myself on my own. I realised that even through this was down to him, what I was like in my marriage did not help the situation either. We had been thru so much and all I was doing was fighting for the next thing, the next moment, I didn't stop to think how everything we had been thru had hurt him too.
Don't get me wrong I screamed, I shouted, I even hit him a couple times, an I know for sure he didn't deserve the bruises I gave him, if it was the other way around and he had hit me for it, people wud be saying to leave him, he hit you etc.
But my husband kept fighting for us, for our marriage. He proved how much he was sorry how much he loved & wanted me. Counselling helped us A LOT, it helped us see where we were both going wrong & what we could do to make it better together. 11 years later we have 2 adopted children whom we love till the ends of the earth. He is a fantastic dad and a loving husband, I have no doubt at all in my mind that he has never done this since. I still have access to his devices, but I NEVER check them, because I trust him more than ever now. If you want your marriage to work, then u BOTH need to work at it, yes he did the wrong, yes he really needs to prove himself, but if u want it too, then you need to be able to forgive (I won't say forget cos that's impossible) but if ur willing and he wants it that badly, it can work ... good luck xx

Thanks so much for sharing, I’m so glad everything worked out for you 🫶🏼

Im taking some time apart from him for a few days to see how I feel and gather my thoughts cos my minds in riddles right now!

OP posts:

MyNewLife2025 · 30/12/2024 12:16

@AwwmyfuckingGod I’m going to guess you’ve never tried ‘faking it’
Because it’s seriously a mind fuck. And if anything it put me off even more of any sexual encounter.

MyNewLife2025 · 30/12/2024 12:17

EDIT: delete as double post.

MyNewLife2025 · 30/12/2024 12:19

EDIT: deleted as double post.

MyNewLife2025 · 30/12/2024 12:20

Sorry about the multiple posts. Internet playing up

MangoBathSalts · 30/12/2024 12:22

Virgo97x · 29/12/2024 15:39

just found out my husband of 5 years has whole secret phone and he’s been sexting and exchanging nudes with women he doesn’t even know and has sent one of them money. We have 2 young children together and aside from this he’s a loving husband and the most amazing father.

anyway to the point.. I am somewhat hurt by this but at the same time I feel a bit like “it’s not that bad”. I admit my sex drive is VERY low, if it was up to me we’d never do it but I just get on with it for his sake maybe 3/4 times a month and it’s always very quick cos I’m just not into it so he is saying it’s because of that, but surely porn would give him the same satisfaction he’s getting off these random girls he’s talking to? He’s adamant he’s not slept with anyone else or even met up and I think I believe him. I feel like I should leave him because he’s disrespected me and our relationship but I like our life together and I’m so comfortable as we are, the thought of starting all over again and being a single parent terrifies me!! Plus it’s his house so i would have to go back to my mums house.

am I not normal for feeling like this? Should I have better self worth? I’m sooo confused!!

But what about if you start again, fall madly in love, get your sex drive back and find and don’t get cheated on?

your settling because it’s easier but will it really make you happy? Of course he has slept with th but he will minimise his actions

MissMoneyFairy · 30/12/2024 12:25

Who are these women, what sites is he looking at, why is he sending them money, he's risking being blackmailed and scammed.