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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Acording to current Mumsnet guidelines you MUST finish a relationship before starting another one... OK, I totally agree, now, if you do too, please give me some advice

36 replies

Itsmeindisguise · 02/05/2008 14:36

Ok, currently under disguise as DexH still patrols MN's perimeters from time to time. (sh*t! had just added a third man to the equation )

Ok. Background.
Marriage over in very good terms last year. 3-4 ago months I "met" someone in internet, it was not in a dating site, we studied similar degrees and had a good time debating... well yes, humanities. So what started as a good debate online, became hours long chats on internet phone (every day), he is an absolutely adorable person, I do like him very much but do realise we have very different backgrounds and live a long way away of each other, which are very likely to become serious incompatibilities in the future. But he is the kindest person on the whole planet and well, after so much time talking on internet we decided to meet in RL a month ago, and from there things have moved quite quickly although I have drawn the line in some others as I didn't consider myself ready. In all this time I had started to fell for him, but always with some reticence in my mind about how workable that was. He is very serious about this, and ... he seems very inlove, I do like him a lot but those "incompatibilities" have not found, yet, a way out of my head.

Problem:

Problem is I met another person through a friend last week. And he is also lovely but unlike the other, we have so many things in common. I have found myself texting common friend this morning to tell her about the state of confusion just to be told that he has rang her too to ask if I am "available". Although I understand I can not leave a relationship for a person I have just met, meeting this person has made me more doubtful about the incompatibilities with the other one. So.... I really don't want to hurt the other one, he is so adorable, but I realise now that it is highly unlikely for that relationship to succeed So how do I leave it without hurting him too much, things seemed to go so well just a week ago, and I don't want, not at all, to hurt him.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 02/05/2008 14:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Itsmeindisguise · 02/05/2008 14:39

Good to see I'm not the only one confused here!

OP posts:
peanutbear · 02/05/2008 14:39

you arnt commited to either so cant you just date both for a bit and see how it goes

FluffyMummy123 · 02/05/2008 14:39

Message withdrawn

MissingMyHeels · 02/05/2008 14:41

Lucky (unlucky?!) you, two men!

So, Man1, internet man - if you had really fallen for him you wouldn't have "found" yourself texting someone else. So I say, ditch him and go for lovely Man2 as it sounds like that has great potential.

How to do it... Well I guess that depends on how far away he is? I would be totally honest, just say on a practical level it's not going to work, you've had some concerns for a while now and you have tried to overcome them but you couldn't. Wish him all the luck in the world and get on the case with Man2.

foxinsocks · 02/05/2008 14:41

it is a bit confusing

in fact, maybe you are confused

all I can say is 'someone always gets hurt'

and err that's it

JeremyVile · 02/05/2008 14:41

Dump the first bloke if you dont see it working out.
Dont dump him based on an fascinating chat and a bit of sniffing from someone else.

cocolepew · 02/05/2008 14:42

Is it 2 men or 3? I,m a bit lost, sorry.

foxinsocks · 02/05/2008 14:42

and if you've had enough of man 1, just get rid and do it quickly. The longer you draw it out, the worst it becomes (grammar all wrong there).

cocolepew · 02/05/2008 14:42

oh, sorry x-post

splitFanjonality · 02/05/2008 14:44

Dont be too concerenced about hurting the "first" guy as you have concernes about the relationship before it has even developed into one. Just cool it off for a period while you investigate the second further. You are still just in dating stages with the first.

I am besides very suspicious of people you meet online (for whatever reason) as it is possible to be a dreampersonality and extremely kind, on screen, but you dont have a lot of real life experience to back up the online persona.

zippitippitoes · 02/05/2008 14:44

man a doesnt reallyu sound like a relationship more someone you have been seeing so you dont have a commitment just date both

splitFanjonality · 02/05/2008 14:45

Also, man 2 comes with the added bonus of a friend of yours vouching for him.

MascaraOHara · 02/05/2008 14:47

It doesn't sound like you are necessaryily having a 'relationship' with the first guy or even if you want it to continue..

Tell the first one it's not working for you.

date the 2nd and see how it goes.

Worst case scenario.. you end up single agauin but you are kind of single now aren't you really as your 'relationship' with 1st guy is mostly over the phone..

..you don't really owe him anything.

Original poster
Itsmeindisguise · 02/05/2008 14:48

Well Foxinsocks... after knowing me for so many years you should be aware my bad grammar has always been part of my style

It is just 2 men! not 3!

And I'm starting to realise the thigs is not as complex as I initially thought.

PS. I have seen man 2, 3 times this week, although always ensured it was with more friends around as I am ridiculously faithful

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmeindisguise · 02/05/2008 14:50

oops crossposted, may I aslo add that I have met with man 1 about 7-8 times in the last 3 weeks (which tells a bit of the commitment as he lives almost 2 hrs away)

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmeindisguise · 02/05/2008 14:52

And another question... excuse me for being naive but English is not my first language (nor does British cultural my original one), what is the difference between "seeing a man" and "having a relationship"?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmeindisguise · 02/05/2008 14:55

British culture, even!

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 02/05/2008 15:00

things are often less complex when you write them down

I'm not entirely British either but I would say a relationship implies committment. Seeing a man may well be a relationship but could also imply a regular shag but not necessarily a relationship. I think if I heard seeing a man I would think someone was going out with a bloke.

We need a Venn diagram.

zippitippitoes · 02/05/2008 15:02

im not sure i know

but a relationship to me is a commitment on both sides to see no one else and i think myself there is a time factor so its not a relationship until several months have passed

but of course that is just me

some people make a public and lifetime commitment after a whirlwind affair and i guess the y do have relationships then

i think there have to be some pretty stroing declarations on both sides tho for it to be a relationshi[

seeing someone is dating realy to me with out any commitment

beaniesteve · 02/05/2008 15:03

Hmmmm.... Have you had any time on your own? I would say you knew there were incompatabilities with the internet man before you met the 'new' one and so you should perhaps be thinking about ending it with internet/long distance man so you can make a clean fresh start with the new one.

Hecate · 02/05/2008 15:10

Don't look at the 2 men together. It is not an 'either/or' situation. You do not have to choose one of them.

You don't have to have a man to go to, in order to end a friendship with a man you are not sure about.

Look at man 1 - is he right for you? If he is, carry on seeing him, getting to know him (americans call it 'dating' don't they? Where you go out but there is no promise of exclusivity). If he is not right for you, then don't see him again. The other man doesn't feature in this decision.

Now. Look at other man and do the same.

It seems your actual problem is you think you have to be with one of these 2 men and are trying to choose which, when in fact you can be with neither, or can 'date' both, as long as you are honest with them.

NurkMagiggy · 02/05/2008 15:10

Tell first man that it ain't going to work. This will be hard but then you sometimes have to be a tough bird and it might hurt him but not as much as if you carry on, and he thinks it's fine and dandy. Honesty is best policy. If he is that adorable he'll understand, and if he doesn't maybe it will just confirm you weren't right for each other.
Be honest - say you've been starting to worry about incompatibilities.

Love when you are grown up can be a whole lot more pragmatic than when you are a naive youth

Good thing too!

AMumInScotland · 02/05/2008 15:10

It sounds like "internet man" was never really going to work out - he's more of a friend who became something else, but the way you describe him doesn't sound like you really have a "spark" for him. I think it would be fairer to tell him it's just not working out sooner rather than later if you think his feelings for you are much stronger than yours for him.

You've reacted to "friend in common" man and think there's a possibility of a real spark there, so I think you ought to go for it and see how it works out.

Personally, I wouldn't continue to date both at one time, even on a "non-committed" basis, because I think it would be unfair to string internet man along when you believe he does have stronger feelings.

Original poster
Itsmeindisguise · 02/05/2008 15:12

Oh dear, that is a bit confusing

[and I'm starting to feel stupidly emabarrased as if I were back in my early teens ]

OP posts: