Should I stay or leave

[buba123456]

I have been feeling quite empty and unfulfilled for a while now in my marriage.

Mainly due to having nothing in common with my DH.

We barely chat about anything apart from the children.

He has very limited hobbies, just gaming (his work is providing technical support online for gamers). He is good with DIY but not motivated. Good cook but hardly cooks.

0 friends, just my friends to socialise with. Don't talk to his family at all (overseas). No exercise or in to any sport whatsoever.

Very passive in everything, I do all the planning, holidays to social to big financial decisions.

I earn double him, he is hard working but very illiterate in terms of finance and doesn’t want to learn anything. I’m on the other hand keen to invest, has a lot of knowledge and I do try to learn - we are in a fairly good financial position due to me started investing in early life.

Good dad in terms of taking them picking them taking them to activities etc. Do care for them greatly. But nothing else really, dont read or teach them anything. All on me.

Big issue - I dont find him attractive anymore.. he also has PE problem and doesn’t want to go to GP to fix.

I have had counselling privately for myself, he doesn’t want to do couple therapy but after lots of honest conversations he has tried to do more in the house, improves his hygiene (it was disgusting before).

He is trying but I’m constantly feeling irritated when I’m near him. Just don’t want to break up the family because we don’t argue much now, do things as a family together okay still.

He does blame me on nagging and demotivating him a lot, criticising and putting him down.. I admit I do feel frustrated over time..

Kids are 3 and 11.

I’m just feeling I’m missing out, cant see myself living with him for the rest of my life, also he is the only sexual partner I have ever had. Don’t have much sex over the years and honestly feel like I’m ready to leave just to experiment and find more joy to my life before I’m getting old.

But would it be too selfish when he is trying to change? And break the kids’ hearts? And I might end up being single and lonely for the rest of my life? He does loves me very much still, does care for me but we have very different personalities and goals in life..

Has anyone left and regretted?

You don't want the same things from life. He is passive and just coasting. Relying on you to make the decisions, feed him, look after the house, raise the DCs.

In return you have no sex life and little support. You've basically turned into his mum. You had to nag him to wash!! He refuses to get help.

And your dcs are watching. They either see all that is wrong and see you just accept it, or they think his behaviourist ok. Neither is healthy.

as you earn more, the longer you’re with him, the more you’ll need to give in a divorce. See a solicitor and plan your leaving. Don’t live in a loveless marriage.

It doesn't sound great.

I wouldn't expect lots of new romance though after you divorce. It's shit out there.

He does some house chores and does school runs etc.
He is trying to change, I would leave if we have family support nearby but we have none and it will affect the kids greatly.
I’m just figuring things out at the moment. It’s a tough decision to make, even with just separating temporarily first.

yes grass isn’t always greener especially he is not abusive or “too bad”

Sometimes I feel love is quite a luxury though, me is the one that has fallen out of love not him

He is simple and doesn’t want much in life. He is quite content with no social life, average salary, having kids and his wife next to him. That’s enough for him but not me. It’s sad for both of us but it’s our life.

Just because he is not abusive doesn't mean you need to compromise and suffer through a marriage. You both seem misaligned for each other. Your frustrations are clearly obvious to him as he feels he is being nagged. You say that he had poor hygiene, no interest in sex etc. Is he physically and mentally alright? Perhaps there is something underlying. However, if he is not willing to do something about it or attend relationship counselling, nothing will change. It might be best to consider the future of your relationship seriously and make a decision.

My sister stayed due to the saying the 'grass isn't always greener' She got out 12 months ago.
It was a mud track to start with. Now it's a beautiful lush meadow with a few muddy puddles as life isn't perfect.

If you stay he's happy your miserable, are you not denying you both of happiness in the long run?

He will work you out aren't happy eventually - he may have already.
Let him go and find someone who is just happy to exist with him.
You find the life and passion that is missing, whether that's on your own or with someone else.

Don't feel guilty for wanting more from life OP.
Sounds like for you the relationship has run it course and that happens.
Only you know what is right for your family and you.

It’s the practicality of separating with two young kids. The effect on their mental health and honestly I need to be ready to be single first.
I do have a very busy life so I don’t think I can think about dating or anything like that later when things are settled. It will take a lot of courage for me to leave.

Plus financially I will lose a lot more as I have been earning and investing a lot more than him. I need to figure things out slowly, can’t rush either :(

My sister made a plan.
She cashed in savings and did a lot of work on the house. Didn't increase value very much.
She spent 50-65K. The value only went up about 15K made sure she had enough to buy him out also - she to was the higher earner out of the them.
Think new kitchen/bathrooms when they had only been done a couple year's before. Bespoke built in bedrooms for the kids (got to say amazing rooms) House painted inside and out. New flooring.
It took her about 3 years to leave from thinking about going to leaving.

Maxed out kids savings - she had always paid healthy into these - opened trust funds for my 3 and X amount into each.

She put the kids into therapy to help them discuss it. - These reports were vital in court to allow the child to decide on contact.
Part of the process in leaving also meant she bought a house for the children and put it in trust. Her ex lives in this house. It can't be sold while he lives and he can't be evicted.
Due to the set up and agreement of him living in the property she didn't do as bad in the divorce as she thought would.

Good luck OP. I can't say what my sister did was right but she's much happier now.
Been asked out a few times but isn't interested. She is refinding herself, and rebuilding her life. She has has some hard days.

I hope you have someone in real life that can help support you.
Her ex said some nasty horror things and made some horrible threats. He has never followed though with it. Just a lot a trying to get back together.

The path won't be easy which ever you decide. I wish you strength to do what you need to do.

Thank you so much for this, lots of great advice and tips there re the financial arrangements.

Do you mind me asking how old is your sister now? I’m very fearful of the unknown, especially I have no family here and with all
this baggage- 2 young kids to raise.

I am also an immigrant here for past 17 years OP and in a very similar situation except there has been domestic (physical and verbal) abuse in the past as well. My Son is almost 15 and planning to leave when he is 16/18. I want it to be amicable and not traumatic on any one - so trying to do separated under same roof now first for a few years so it feels organic and very gradual - making it less traumatic for me as well - start telling your H how you feel so if you do leave in a few years it doesnt come as a shock (you dont need to do this, only if it helps you feel more comfortable about leaving if that makes sense)

Sending you hugs.. it’s easier when the kid reaches 18 I’m sure. I would not put up with physical and verbal abuse though - make sure you are safe whatever you decide..

I have told him about me wanting to leave and feeling no romantic attraction for him. I will give him some time to adjust, he is trying. Maybe it’s me the problem, I have fallen out of love - he feels content though. It’s a very tough one to decide.

Sister is 34 now. 30 when she started to make plans. Kids were between 10 and 4 when she started.
They have all adapted different to the new situation. All of them are happier now than they were for a long time.
I know the therapy has helped the eldest, to understand as we didn't realise they had been eavesdropping and knew more than they should.

Ah she is still young. I’m 36 but I think when I can actually leave/divorce I will be 40 by then. When my eldest finishes her GCSE..

40 is young dont worry (not saying you need to wait till then either !!)

Reframe this from not feeling romantic attraction - as not feeling the emotional and physical compatibility anymore - as the mesasge you send to yourself counts romantic attraction may sound superficial , but some of the factors they are based on like the other person showing up, taking an effort to communicate, share your dreams, share your values , make you laugh are not at all shallow / shallow sounding to yourself

OP
You might want to read Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum to help you sort your thoughts

Yes he has had history of depression. But also some behaviour is part of his personality too.

He said he is not depressed now though and he is saying I’m the one being so depressed and talking about breaking up the family!

We married young and fell in love too quickly. I do regret letting life go on for so long without communicating properly my needs and wishes in life.

I’m so irritated while I’m near him, it’s like feeling the ick all the time and I don’t think it helps to “fix” the marriage..

Thank you I have downloaded the audible version I will have a listen this weekend!

Thanks.
Exactly but I have let it go on for so long.. I feel now with the changes he is trying to make I’m still feeling irritated and unfulfilled.

I have signed up for some sport classes, will reduce my work hours and try to focus on myself to make more friends, do more
things I enjoy to see if this unhappiness feeling will improve before I make any big decision..

I do sympathise.
It sounds like you have grown and blossomed, and he has remained stagnant.
It’s like a death by a thousand swords.

I'm in a similar place at the moment. For the last year or so I've been torn between leaving or staying. Like your Dh, my DH has no hobbies, no friends or social life. I feel irritated by him a lot of the time. A big part of me feels that I need to leave, but I do also worry that the grass won't be greener and I will regret it. I have no advice I'm afraid, but can sympathise. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo at the moment. It's such a big decision to make.

Do you have kids? If I didn’t have kids I would definitely leave.
But with kids in the equation, it’s a bit selfish to make such a big decision as it will affect their lives greatly..

Yes, Ive got teenagers. I kept putting the decision off till they were older, but feel like I've got to the stage where I need to come to a decision one way or the other. About 18 months ago I was pretty sure I wanted to leave, but in the last 12 months dh's behaviour has improved a bit, which has confused me further.

Same with my DH. I think as long he is a better dad for now, I’m okay.. if in a year’s time I still feel no attraction to him like this I will have to leave.. life is too short though. As long as we can co-parent effectively it’s fine.

My therapist advised me to start writing journal to have clarity.. I think it helps. Be honest with yourself what you want.. I hope you find your answer and your happiness.