Feeling crazy over husbands porn habbits.

[GraceyM14]

Never posted on here before and not really sure what I'm looking for. Maybe just for someone to say they feel the same as I feel like a crazy person.
Been with DH for almost 10 years, married for 5 and have a 4 year old and 1 year old.
I've always known he watched porn and I did on occasion too but recently my views on it have totally changed. ( Don't know if it's to do with becoming a mum or something)
Anyway one evening when I was downstairs watching telly with husband after an episode of a show we were watching together ended he said are you going to bed now, as he wanted to watch an episode of another show he watching on his own (he's an night owl and I'm now so this isn't unusual for me to go to bed first.) anyway I had went upstairs got ready for bed brushed my teeth and then remembered id wanted to get something from downstairs it had been like 10 mins since I'd left. Got to the living room door and he jumped up and said oh you caught me I was about to have a wank. I got angry straight away and was like did you just want rid of me to do that to which he said of course not I genuinely just made a snap decision to... But I was hurt as I would have been game for some sex if he had said. I need to say the issue wasn't that he masturbated I don't care about that it was the thought that he would rather watch porn than have sex with me and I said this to which he said if course not it's two completely different things we then had a conversation and he admitted that he watches 2-3 times a week when we have sex once a week and let's just say I would have sex every day if he was up for it. We do have good sex and I am up for anything. We kind of resolved it after that but inside I was still annoyed thinking of him watching porn and at that frequency. Fast forward a couple of weeks and one night when I was in bed with our 4 year old as he was unsettled. I was aware of him watching porn in our room. The next day I was off with him and after him questioning me I was honest and let him know how it made me feel and that I was shocked when he admitted the frequency that id be happy with more sex and he said he'd cut back ect. Then there was another heated discussion over porn and me not being able to accept that it has nothing to do with me i.e he's looking at these other women and wishing I was like that so we both agreed I should talk to someone. So I have been in therapy now for 5 weeks (not just over the porn thing also family issues) Fast forward another couple of weeks we had been having more sex maybe 2-3 times a week and he actually came to me and said that he was worried that he was going to start feeling pressured into having sex with me as it was worrying him if we weren't having it more than once then I wouldn't be happy. He's admitted he thinks he has a problem porn and was doing it too often but doesn't think there is anything wrong with watching porn although he has cut back but now every time he does it (I often know when he has because a couple of tell tail signs) I can't help but feel like shit and betrayed. I don't want to feel like this and I feel crazy for doing so but there's a part of me that's like why can't he just stop even though I would never ask him to.

He's the one who should be in therapy not you.

He's an addict.

You both need to treat it like any other addiction.

Its not an addiction, he just likes a wank over some porn.

Even OP's DH has admitted he has a problem with porn and watches it too much.
So I don't know where your confident assertion he isn't a porn addict comes from.
Certainly the situation that OP describes sounds as though he is a porn addict. And as pp said: it's not OP who needs the therapy. It's her DH.

Porn addict is a stretch. Porn enthusiast might be a better description.

Is this the only area he’s comfortable so blatantly ignoring your needs?

This! Can't believe you went to therapy.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have a sex drive and want to spend time with your husband. He clearly has an addiction as it's having knock on effects. He is neglecting you and the relationship for porn. Not ok.

He says he'd rather wank, and have less sex with you
If you decide to stay in the relationship, you know where you stand.
And he decided you needed therapy? Ha! Arse

2-3 times a week doesn't make an addict ffs.

He has said he has a problem to make you happy and throw you off scent. In actuality, he is lazy and would rather have a quick tug than romance and please you because he's only thinking of himself.

Have you asked him why he’s happy to get his rocks off to women who may have been trafficked, abused, exploited or other harmed?

Because that’s what he is doing.

An addict is on a spectrum and if behaviour is damaging areas of your life then the term addict is fine to be used so atop with the FFS.

2-3 times a week is what he has admitted and she keeps catching him off guard whilst in the home with young kids so you'd be a fool to believe he isnt under playing it

Thanks for all the reply's. Our relationship is perfect in all other aspects and we tell each other everything but this one area is really hard for me express how I feel as it makes me feel like I'm being controlling. All other threads are so conflicting with some views being it shouldn't be a problem and I'm the one with the issue. Classic line being all guys do it ect ect.
I did/do need the therapy as I'm terrible for overthinking all things in my life at the moment and as I said some other family issues so therapy has been a big help.. he didnt make me go he thought it would help me stop overthinking and in turn help me view the porn situation as I did before but I just feel like my whole view on it has completely changed I don't feel comfortable with it at all. He is a good husband and a great father to our children, these facts also make me feel guilty as if I could just let this go everything would be fine.

I literally had this exact same problem. It is such an awful feeling that absolutely kills your self esteem. This was with my ex husband. Note the ex. Life is much better, and my sex life really is sooo much better. How is the actual sex when you do do it? My ex basically did bare minimum, functional sex. Awful.
Not easy when children involved but I totally understand how this becomes a big issue. Other things very wrong in my marriage but this was definitely a major one.

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Glad you're happier now.
Our sex is good and when we have the time sometimes really good he is attentive to my needs and does put the work in so it's not only about him. As I said I would have more of it if I could and he says it's amazing too just that sometimes it's just easier to have a wank for stress release ect but to me that should be once in a blue moon then not multiple times a week. I've even said if can't be arsed with sex i'd even help by doing other things and he's only took me up on the offer once since this all came to head about 8 weeks ago now. Fed up and of feeling this way.

His watching porn is interfering with his marital sex life, so posters can argue over whether it's an addiction but it doesn't really matter, because it's a big problem.

He watches lots of porn but would ideally cut back his sex life with OP. Whaaaaat??

OP, I would stop sleeping with him. Stop giving him the ego boost of you wanting him more than he wants you. Give yourself a mini makeover and get him to watch your kid while you go out with friends for a night. Sounds like he needs to wake up and appreciate what he has. 😡

If you need to watch porn sorry but then your relationship or marriage is lacking in something and it is not the perfect one. Thank goodness porn doesn't exist in my marriage or I wouldn't be married. I find it sick and always have and luckily hubby was the exact same opinion tho he also brought up a reason I didn't consider a while ago he didn't and never would watch it that over half the porn trade use under age girls or women forced to and he finds that sick also

To understand porn use you need to understand dopamine and oxytocin. The porn gives the dopamine hit and the oxytocin is a bonding hormone. Repeated use means that neural pathways in the brain regarding porn and feeling good get stronger because they are getting used.

Over time though the dopamine drops and the person needs stronger content/increased frequency to get the same effect.

The oxytocin means that the brain bonds the ejaculation to the circumstances that are being repeated. And why overtime it’s common for some men to need to watch porn, or finish themselves off rather than through just intercourse- because they have trained their brains and bodies through porn use to need the circumstances they have practiced.

Your husband is in hand/screen training and he will need to decide whether a screen and his hand are worth the disconnection and pain to you and ultimately his family.

Male viewpoint here.

No doubt this thread will get derailed into whether porn is non ethical and degrading to women etc but that’s not what this thread is about.

Porn releases different neurological chemicals to sex, and the two are very different . Porn is easy and takes little to no effort whereas sex is more about bonding with the other person. Its is really important to realise that a husband of BF that watches porn isn’t watching it because he doesn’t fancy you.

Porn becomes destructive in a relationship when it directly impacts the intimacy between the two concerned: in theory, if you were having sex every day, and he still watched porn 2-3 times a week then it likely wouldn’t be such as issue as you will not be losing out.

it is also important to realise that he won’t be watching it just 2-3 times a week, it will likely be daily. Is this a porn addiction? I’m not so sure, i watch porn daily but it doesn’t hinder my daily life and routine, and when in a relationship I can and do stop, as long as I’m getting the intimacy I need/want from my partner.

Having a sneaky wank when you went upstairs to bed instead of being intimate with you is worrying and if my partner did the same I would like you, be really upset.

Was he aware prior to this that you wanted sex more often than once a week?

I’m not sure if I read your post correctly, but did your DH watch porn whilst your 4 year old Ds was in bed with you? If he did then that is disgusting and would confirm to me that he puts his porn watching before the moral ethics of his family.

It’s not derailing to challenge porn use.

But you use it daily, so I can see why you’d want to dismiss that.

It is, because the OP doesn’t have an issue with porn in itself, she even admitted she used to watch it. The issue is, the OP’s DH is substituting sex with porn and that’s what this thread is about and not whether porn is right or wrong.

But, well done for instantly de-railing in any case.

I've always known he watched porn and I did on occasion too but recently my views on it have totally changed. ( Don't know if it's to do with becoming a mum or something)

How the OP feels about porn is absolutely part of the discussion.

You’re free to not engage with any critical thinking about porn - that’s unsurprising- but I’m not going to.

I read so much on MN from women who don't like their men using porn, but none of them ever says what type of porn it is. There's foot sniffing, and wanking into shoes porn. There's tiny men cowering before giant women. There's fish porn (not v nice for the fish, though!). Could I turn a blind eye to my fella finding this gives him a stiffy? That might be somewhat possible. But if he really enjoys watching women be abused - raped, spat on, degraded, slapped, strangled or unconscious? Hard no. I would recoil from him forevermore.

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Appreciate your comment thanks and your point of view as a male. As I said my views on porn have changed so I personally wouldn't watch again but if my husband was to every once in a while when I was out the house this wouldn't bother me so much it's the fact I'm home and it's more frequent than we are intimate.
As for the was he aware I would like sex more than once a week no as we had never discussed it and I was just going along with what I thought he was happy with untill we had that first conversation about him watching porn and him saying he was 2-3 times a week that when I said I would be happy with more sex and or other things so he is aware of that now but still watching porn at least once a week.
No sorry if that wasn't clear I was in our son's bed he was in our room which is next door... I definitely wouldn't be accepting of that.

No it's nothing like that mostly just normal sex between male and female either female on top doing cowgirl or doggy style his tastes are pretty vanilla I'm general. I know there's a lot worse to have your husband doing out there I just can't seem to let this go at the moment and I have really tried too.

It's destroying your bond of trust and it can feel like cheating. It will likely escalate and at some point your children might catch him watching it as he becomes less careful the more he comes to rely on it ( e.g. watching it on an ipad whilst the kids are watching TV and he is watching them). I feel watching it shows a complete lack of respect for your partner), it's unrealistic and voyeuristic and often results in real life sex becoming unsatisfying