Is Anyone Else’s DH Like This?

GrumpyGrapes · 2024-12-28T18:02:44+00:00

Whenever I do anything for myself my DH will go quiet, be withdrawn and give off the vibe that he’s annoyed with me. If I ask him he will say no he’s not but it seems like he is. He never stops me from doing anything or says I can’t but I always get this weird atmosphere off him when I do. It could be anything like getting my hair done, meeting friends, a work engagement outside normal hours, having a phone call with a friend. Is anyone else’s DH like this when they do things without them? If so, how do you handle it? I’m getting really sick of it tbh. It’s making me not want to be around him when he’s moody and putting me off him.

LilacRaven · 28/12/2024 18:05

I've had this before. Ive called him out on it and communicated that I'd leave the relationship if I was made to feel guilty doing anything for myself. It instantly stopped.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2024 18:07

No. It wouldn't remotely occur to dh that I shouldn't do things for myself. Your 'd'h is trying to train you out of doing anything yourself, by creating a horrible atmosphere whenever you do so. It's controlling and unpleasant. Don't ask him if he's annoyed with you about it. You know he is. Just tell him straight out that you will not tolerate this bullshit and you will do what you want for yourself. If he doesn't stop it, leave.

Mrsttcno1 · 28/12/2024 18:10

No, never, and if he did then he wouldn’t be “DH” for much longer!

Pamspeople · 28/12/2024 18:13

He sounds like a sulky little boy. Tell him what a massive turn off it is.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 28/12/2024 18:14

My ex was like this. In the end I decided that if, when asked he'd say there was nothing wrong, I'd take him at his word and get on with what I was doing.

Tbh it's controlling behaviour from your dh, he's trying to make it so uncomfortable for you, that you won't do what ever it is he doesn't want you to do.

Gettingbysomehow · 28/12/2024 18:15

No becsuse if he did he'd be out the door.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2024 18:16

It's great that this is putting you off him rather than his probable intended plan which is that you stop going out because of it.

WhatTheFudges · 28/12/2024 18:27

Take him at his word, if he can’t communicate effectively, that’s not your problem. Why do you want to get it out off him if it is a problem away?? Just ignore him, it works for you doing and going where you want, so carry on with it.

Ginkypig · 28/12/2024 18:36

LilacRaven · 28/12/2024 18:05

I've had this before. Ive called him out on it and communicated that I'd leave the relationship if I was made to feel guilty doing anything for myself. It instantly stopped.

This is the advice i was going to post but it’s already here.

i can’t say if he is doing this purposely or not but often the result is the person on the receiving end of it slowly reduces doing things to not face the atmosphere. Making their life smaller and smaller to appease the partner.

its not on and you need to be direct with him about it.

the outcome is either going to be

he realises his behaviour isn’t ok and kicks himself in the arse about it

or

he was aware about it because actually he is trying to control you and he ramps up the behaviour to force you to bend in which case you should not be in the relationship because it is abusive

have a good think about your relationship as a whole is this a singular odd thing or is this actually part of a bigger pattern of behaviour but you haven’t noticed it’s all together?

Somehowgirl · 28/12/2024 18:41

Not my husband, who is lovely. But a psycho ex I was with for a few years.

He had borderline personality disorder.

I'd run a mile OP.

buttonousmaximous · 28/12/2024 18:42

My ex was like that. It got worse and reached point where he would create an argument to try and stop me seeing friends/doing hobbies, put restrictions on how long I could go or when I had to be back . Eventually it was easier to not do them but then if a special occasion came up it was a big problem because I never go out so why now? One of the best things about splitting up was not having to dance to someone else's tune.

I'd pull him up on it and be clear it stops or you walk. If he denies it and continues I'd walk away. I'd also be mindful the more committed you get the more ownership he may feel. Look out for if he's just bottling it up as it's likely it will start again.

DepartingRadish · 28/12/2024 18:42

Let me guess - he's only like this if it involves you doing something that you want to do? Like meeting a friend, or visiting your Mum, or getting your hair done?

Sulking is the first step in 're-educating' you. The point is to make your life unpleasant and for you to dread his reaction, so you train yourself not to upset him. You don't see your friends, you don't visit your Mum, you don't get your hair done.

Normal, supportive, caring partners don't behave like this. Don't put up with it.

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 20:35

LilacRaven · 28/12/2024 18:05

I've had this before. Ive called him out on it and communicated that I'd leave the relationship if I was made to feel guilty doing anything for myself. It instantly stopped.

I have said to him that I sense when I do something for myself like go out with a friend for example, that he resents me for it. He denies that he’s resentful. However, I’m 100% certain from his body language and almost passive aggressive tone that he is. I very rarely do go out because I have young children to care for, so it’s not like I am out 3 times a weeks living it large. My friends all have young kids too so when we do meet up it’s for lunch or something. It’s like he’s annoyed because he has to be the default parent in charge for a while and he doesn’t like it.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2024 20:44

Do read Whu does he go that? By Lundy Bancroft, your man is in those pages. I would start to carefully plan an exit from your marriage as this is who he really is and he’s not going to change.

Such controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Summerhillsquare · 28/12/2024 21:09

So the lazy sod doesn't like looking after his own house and kids?

The more he sulks the more you should arrange to be busy OP!

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 21:18

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2024 18:07

No. It wouldn't remotely occur to dh that I shouldn't do things for myself. Your 'd'h is trying to train you out of doing anything yourself, by creating a horrible atmosphere whenever you do so. It's controlling and unpleasant. Don't ask him if he's annoyed with you about it. You know he is. Just tell him straight out that you will not tolerate this bullshit and you will do what you want for yourself. If he doesn't stop it, leave.

I think I will have to because I’m not going to stop. It’s totally normal. I don’t think I’m the one being unreasonable at all. Surely everyone has some form of life outside their marriage. That’s healthy, right?

OP posts:

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 21:19

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2024 18:16

It's great that this is putting you off him rather than his probable intended plan which is that you stop going out because of it.

I rarely go out as it is so I’m not going to stop going out completely.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 21:22

Ginkypig · 28/12/2024 18:36

This is the advice i was going to post but it’s already here.

i can’t say if he is doing this purposely or not but often the result is the person on the receiving end of it slowly reduces doing things to not face the atmosphere. Making their life smaller and smaller to appease the partner.

its not on and you need to be direct with him about it.

the outcome is either going to be

he realises his behaviour isn’t ok and kicks himself in the arse about it

or

he was aware about it because actually he is trying to control you and he ramps up the behaviour to force you to bend in which case you should not be in the relationship because it is abusive

have a good think about your relationship as a whole is this a singular odd thing or is this actually part of a bigger pattern of behaviour but you haven’t noticed it’s all together?

Show quote history

I’m going back to work soon and he’s not been massively happy about it but I’m def going back because I want to work and I want to build my career. He apologised when I told him I thought it was shitty that he wasn’t being supportive because I always support him.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 21:25

buttonousmaximous · 28/12/2024 18:42

My ex was like that. It got worse and reached point where he would create an argument to try and stop me seeing friends/doing hobbies, put restrictions on how long I could go or when I had to be back . Eventually it was easier to not do them but then if a special occasion came up it was a big problem because I never go out so why now? One of the best things about splitting up was not having to dance to someone else's tune.

I'd pull him up on it and be clear it stops or you walk. If he denies it and continues I'd walk away. I'd also be mindful the more committed you get the more ownership he may feel. Look out for if he's just bottling it up as it's likely it will start again.

Any really be more committed. Married with kids.

OP posts:

Greengrasswalks · 28/12/2024 21:25

His behaviour is controlling.
In no uncertain terms, tell him it needs to stop or you’ll leave. And follow through.

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 21:26

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2024 20:44

Do read Whu does he go that? By Lundy Bancroft, your man is in those pages. I would start to carefully plan an exit from your marriage as this is who he really is and he’s not going to change.

Such controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I don’t want to leave my marriage. I’d rather work it out. However, if things don’t change then I’d have to think about what to do.

OP posts:

AlertCat · 28/12/2024 21:27

My ex used to walk in on days I had had our dc at home and he was at work, and immediately I would know I was in trouble. It was worse if we had had a nice day and been out with my parents or something. And I’d say, “What’s wrong?” And he would say, “Why would anything be wrong?” In a horrible voice. That would be it then, he’d be like it all evening. And when I made plans he would often sabotage them, “forgetting” he was meant to be home to bathe dc, or “forgetting” he was meant to bring her somewhere to meet me. (Even after we split.)

if this is the only thing then tell him he is being an arse. If you walk on eggshells, if you don’t see family or friends because you know he’ll give you grief afterwards, then please consider leaving, it’s coercive control and it’s actually a crime, because it’s such damaging abusive behaviour.

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 21:29

AlertCat · 28/12/2024 21:27

My ex used to walk in on days I had had our dc at home and he was at work, and immediately I would know I was in trouble. It was worse if we had had a nice day and been out with my parents or something. And I’d say, “What’s wrong?” And he would say, “Why would anything be wrong?” In a horrible voice. That would be it then, he’d be like it all evening. And when I made plans he would often sabotage them, “forgetting” he was meant to be home to bathe dc, or “forgetting” he was meant to bring her somewhere to meet me. (Even after we split.)

if this is the only thing then tell him he is being an arse. If you walk on eggshells, if you don’t see family or friends because you know he’ll give you grief afterwards, then please consider leaving, it’s coercive control and it’s actually a crime, because it’s such damaging abusive behaviour.

I will talk to him about see how things go. I’m not going to stop doing things. So we will see what happens. I won’t put up with things long term that I think are on purpose.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrumpyGrapes · 28/12/2024 21:30

Summerhillsquare · 28/12/2024 21:09

So the lazy sod doesn't like looking after his own house and kids?

The more he sulks the more you should arrange to be busy OP!

I like this! This is my kind of style

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2024 21:32

Yes op, it's healthy to go out.

It just needs to be equal.

Equal downtime is the rule. You have the same amount of time as each other when you're not working/doing housework/looking after children.