Is Anyone Else’s DH Like This?

[GrumpyGrapes]

Whenever I do anything for myself my DH will go quiet, be withdrawn and give off the vibe that he’s annoyed with me. If I ask him he will say no he’s not but it seems like he is. He never stops me from doing anything or says I can’t but I always get this weird atmosphere off him when I do. It could be anything like getting my hair done, meeting friends, a work engagement outside normal hours, having a phone call with a friend. Is anyone else’s DH like this when they do things without them? If so, how do you handle it? I’m getting really sick of it tbh. It’s making me not want to be around him when he’s moody and putting me off him.

Definitively go back to work op.

Gotta be honest, this doesn't sound good at all. So you will need to hang on to your career.

Sounds like he doesn't want to parent at all.

No - my DH and I do a lot of stuff together but we also have different hobbies, interests and music tastes. If my DH wants to potter about on his boat, go to a gig or see his old pals (male or female) that’s fine with me. If I want to go biking, go away for a weekend with my pals, get my hair done or whatever - that’s no problem with him either. Our relationship works because we both trust and respect each other and give each other freedom to be ourselves. I like hearing about things he’s done - even if I wouldn’t do them myself - and visa versa.

I haven't rtft but yes

I'm trying to get my ducks in a row

For a decade+ he'd go silent on me for some, but not all, the things I wanted to do for myself (go home, meet friends) some times I didn't go at all because it was easier not to. But amongst other things I can't continue to live like that anymore.

@GrumpyGrapes how often does he go out?

He never stops me from doing anything or says I can’t but I always get this weird atmosphere off him when I do.

It wasn't until I was speaking to my Women's Aid support worker after we had separated that I realised quite how controlling my then husband had been. He didn't stop me from doing anything but he would emit an energy, just meant for me, no-one else would notice it, to make me to do what he wanted. He didn't need to say a word.

PP is right @GrumpyGrapes , he is trying to train you not to do things for yourself. Why is that, do you think? Purely a lazy parenting thing or could there be more to it?

You sound strong though, whatever you do, don't lose that strength and sense of yourself

Yes, my dh is also like this. If I go out with friends, (or even if I go somewhere with my mum) there is always negative comments and then an awkward atmosphere. I believe it's controlling behaviour. I still go out, but to be honest it does put me off going out a bit, which I suppose is his aim.

No. Mine has never done anything like that and I would pull him up sharply on it if he did. It sounds like very controlling behaviour.

No. Have a lot of freedom as does he. Only healthy way to be.

Treat him like a toddler, and completely ignore the sulking and huffing. Pay him and the resulting atmosphere no attention at all.

No my life is not like that. I find that really strange he sounds like a sulky man child op I just wouldn’t put up with that! You are your own person as he is, you do things together you also do things on your own.

I used to be married to a jerk who did this. He knows exactly what he's doing and as other have said, he wants to ruin any event that you're going to that doesn't directly involve him. He made the vibe so negative if I made any plans to go anywhere that I just stopped making plans because I couldn't endure the face like a slapped arse all the time.

I divorced him and it brought me freedom and joy.

If his issue is looking after the dcs avec the house had a few hours, I’d remind him he’d be solely in charge EOW, for the whole WE, if you get divorced.

Very, very rarely. Not because I have an issue with that, I wouldn’t, he just doesn’t really go out. I couldn’t tell you the last time he went out with friends or anything. I’ve only been out about 4 times in the past year myself. Always during the day and either with my mother or my friends for lunch. I’ve always been a very social person and I would go out more if I could but I’m too busy, as are my friends. So we meet up when we can co-ordinate it. It’s usually a Saturday afternoon. Last time I was home by 6pm. So, it’s not like I’m a party animal or anything.

I don’t know why he’s does it. Insecurity perhaps? He’s been like this for a long time tbh. I won’t let a man control me. I will respect my DH but I expect the same in return. I don’t like this atmosphere tbh. If anything it’s not making me compliant, it’s making me angry.

I don’t think it’s just about looking after the kids tbh but I don’t think it helps the situation.

I understand what you’re saying but I don’t want to treat him like a toddler, he’s my DH. I would rather confront the situation assertively and communicate with him. I don’t want communication to break down. I do actually love him and want to get over this weirdness.

ExDH was like this. If I said 'Oh I am going out for dinner with Mary on Tuesday night' his first response would be 'well what time are you back?'. Along with a grumpy face. Rather than 'Ok have a good time" as I would have said if it were him going out. He would basically get massive FOMO, especially as once we had kids he couldn't be free to do something himself. Once I was out, say with a group of other women or something, I always felt like I had to be the first to leave as I didn't want to anger him.

He also used to have other anger issues where he would give off bad energy such as when the kids and I would get in the way of his trajectory in the house. It was something I could put up with when it was just him and I but when I started seeing him act out his bad moods with the kids I eventually made plans to leave. Funnily enough I also posted here about it (some clever person could probably look up my thread!). Once I told him I was struggling with his anger issues instead of trying to work on them he just got more and more angry and in the end it exploded into a violent act. That was the last straw for me. That was NYE five years ago and I have been separated (now divorced) from him ever since. Of course there are things I miss about him, having been together 20 years, but nothing beats the feeling of not having to walk on eggshells in my own home.

I would read him the riot act the next time he does this.

What does he think? That you should have no interests outside meeting his expectations?

Tell him that you have absolutely no intention of playing the obedient little wife who never goes out or treats herself, and that if he has a problem with that he should probably go and seek some counselling.

What I mean is that with small children you ignore the unwanted behaviour so they learn that it doesn't work. You never know, paying no attention to his behaviour when you are going out might teach him that it's his own time he's wasting!

You need to go out much more.

Your DH sounds a bit of a dick.

I have reached the end of my analysis. 😀

I agree with Iridium Sky.

I am in a similar place in my own home, but it’s taken me much longer than it has you to read the signs and put the patterns together. Silence and withdrawal of affection / validation / approval - among other signs of seething resentment - can be very powerful and yet subtle.

Have you ever heard mention of Covert Narcissism?

I have. I’ve read about it. I don’t think this is it because he’s actually grown emotionally during our relationship believe it or not. I can see the areas where he’s really tried to improve his emotional maturity but this is clearly something he still has to work on.