How to get over an obsession

[MegaCringe]

Infatuation, Limerence, painful unrequited love. That. How do you switch your brain off from it and get over it?

Distraction, time and refocusing your energies.

Once you get a little bit of distance under your belt you will be surprised at how much time/energy you spent on the infatuation.

Good luck x

Cold turkey if you can and then just wait. You can't switch your brain off so you have to rely on time.

I think there 2 parts:

The constant fantasies: why do you keep escaping life by thoughts of them? Facing what is wrong in your life and taking steps to improve your life... if it's boredom, get busy.. if it's a bad relationship sort it out or take steps to leave.. if you feel bad about your appearance, improve it, job try to improve or leave.. and so on. There is something urgent in your life and you are procrastinating dealing with it by escaping to maladaptive fantasies and day dreaming.

Then why this specific person? Usually something about them is reminding you of your parents and so any attention from them feels so disproportionately amazing. Look at what pattern you are trying to repeat and fix with your parents through this person. The obsession is a manifestation of your own issues rather than a special connection. In fact they likely have no idea how deep your feelings run for them.

Avoid all mystical and spiritual content that feeds into twin flame and soul connections, manifestation, tarot.

There are some good limerence channels on youtube, i'll update if I remember.

Thank you for replying this is really good advice. Every waking minute I'm obsessing and getting so sick of it.

I have had two episodes of limerence as an adult that I have really struggled with. I'm in one now but coming out of it. I'm in a complicated relationship so it's a form of escapism for me.

What helps me is reminding myself of my own value and worth and boosting my own self esteem. I set goals and make plans that are for me. I go out with friends. Go to the gym. Go for long walks. I take care of my appearance.

I try to enjoy the limerence as it can be an enjoyable feeling and gives me a bit of a high. It can be fun alongside the pain.

I remind myself it's all in my head. If I got together with the object of my limerence it would be a massive let down, not because they are bad people, but because they can't compete with what I've created in my mind.

Since this is all in my imagination it reminds me that my happiness is within my control and I can do many things to improve my enjoyment of life.

In time the limerence always fades away.

Thank you, this is really helpful. It was enjoyable at first when it felt like a crush. Now it's just dominating every waking thought and I'm even waking in the night thinking about this person.

Both my children were diagnosed with a rare, life limiting illness this year so it is probably my way of trying to distract myself from the worry and pain.

Thank you for the advice.

When you find out let me know 😂

I am so infatuated with a friend from work. We have slept together, stupid idea I know that now. I thought time off for Xmas and not contacting/seeing him would help. But in reality I've just thought about him everyday instead. I've also being going through some stuff and he was definitely a brilliant distraction.

I saw a photo of myself and the person I had a crush on (who didn't have a crush on me).

I looked very much in love, and very foolish.

So embarrasing.
I got over my crush quite soon after that.

Is it someone you have to see regularly- eg at work? If so, that does make it a lot harder.

Block them on all social media- no stalking. Delete their number and block them on WhatsApp etc. Go no contact.

If you do have to interact with them, eg at work, be polite and cordial but limit interactions to those which are strictly necessary.

Remind yourself they are just a person with dirty underwear, bad habits, moods etc. If you had to live with them amongst the daily drudgery, they would seem very mundane, like we all are.

Are in a relationship or single? If you're in a relationship, consider what's missing from it that has made you fixate on someone else and if it can be fixed or in an extreme case, if it's time to move on.

I'm very sorry to hear about your children. Are there other ways you can find to inject some happiness and release into your life- friends, hobbies, pets etc?

Think about his skiddy pants on the bathroom
floor, him farting and having a poo.

I'm so sorry to read your update about the children.
Is your 'obsession' someone you can cut out of your life cleanly and completely? That would help otherwise reducing contact and not allowing yourself to check up on them (online social media etc)

I’ve had this.
Block everywhere and avoid places you will see him.

Matthew Hussey says ‘get a new habit’ even though you don’t want a new hobby right now.

Unfortunately it takes time -no short cut.

I am mostly over mine now but still if I post something on a group chat I look to see if he has read it. (have blocked direct contact)

It is like as my addiction -you risk falling bank into the habit unless you avoid as much as you can - change jobs if you work together.

livingwithlimerence.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/TakeControl_2020.pdf

Read this- it is a good start to understanding what is going on

Thank you so much for this, I have read it twice and it's so useful.

Feeling stronger about doing the no contact thing, which fortunately is an option.

Excellent news. I warn you though it does take absolutely ages to recover from and then you find suddenly that entire days have gone by and you haven't had any of these thoughts. It's liberating.

Also learning to stay in the present, good old mindfulness helps enormously.

There was a good thread about this recently:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5236266-mid-life-limerence?page=1

it seems to be an almost painful experience

This was so true for me. I have every sympathy for those experiencing limerence as I was stuck with it for four, miserable years. The LO was an ex who had a personality disorder, similar to the one my mother had; the relationship had been very on-off, setting up a strong trauma bond. When the relationship ended, I went through a few years of horrible life experiences, including close bereavements. I think the limerence was escapism and also a belief that life would be ok if I could just have that person.

I tried everything to get rid of it - new hobbies, new relationships, no contact, therapy, anti-depressants - but the only thing that fixed it was time and a change of life direction. I didn't need the escapism anymore.

But what REALLY fixed it for good was the fact that, about a year after the limerence ended, he got back in touch. We had a strange, brief relationship which was enough to convince me he was utterly awful, it would never have been a good relationship and I would be lucky to never hear from him again. Totally cured.

Excellent post.

The only thing that rids me of it is finding someone else. Otherwise it goes on for years

This is the thread I needed to read! Thank you.

I can feel it calming down slightly.

Was it a conscious effort to starr noticing someone new or did it just happen one day? Do you think the previous and subsequent one share any similarities?
I've been limerent with one person for over 10 years... it calms down but it's always in the background if i'm honest. Gets louder when I'm unhappy and avoiding dealing with something big like work.

@Poppyseedmuffins It just happens.. If I consciously try and find someone it never works, it has to be that natural sparky meeting. But they don't always happen often do they!
If I try and replace them, replace the feeling it never works. It's so overpowering and engrained in every cell isn't it.. yeah the years going by don't lessen it if there is no-one to replace it.
In my case my last one was years ago but still think about them constantly.. it's mutual too, he is still even more obsessed than me. It just can't "be"
But we're still friends. I don't know if it makes it easier or harder that we still talk and knowing we both still feel it.. Maybe I could move on easier if this wasn't the case.
Limerence is a rollercoaster full of highs and lows and it's painful, but I've never wished I was different. To feel fully is to be alive