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Original poster

Would you go on a 4th date?

68 replies

LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 12:50

Met him online and went on a 3rd date at his house - he cooked. We get on well and he seems well adjusted.

He has never been married and has no children.

At the end of dinner I asked him how long was his longest relationship and he said ‘3 months’ - I thought I didn’t hear properly and clarifies but yes - his longest relationship was 3 months and no woman wanted to go beyond the 3 months mark. I asked why and he simply replied with ‘they don’t like it’

At this point I was weirded out and as it was late I decided to leave without asking any more questions.

He is highly educated, has a very respectful job (all verified) and from what he says he is from a normal family, parents still together, sister is married with kids.
He is 53.

He wants a 4th date and I could then ask some more probing questions but is it really worth it? I can’t think of a good reason why a 53 year old man never had a relationship last longer than 3 months.
On one hand I’m curious but on the other I feel like it is just too weird. But should I just discard without knowing?

Also I would feel uncomfortable having to ask again since the answer he given is too simplistic.

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 12:55

I would not date anyone who has got to 40 and never had a long term relationship. The fact he isn’t able to be in a relationship for longer than 3 months tells me he has some serious issues! Of course, he will use the usual ‘crazy ex’ spiel or say “I’ve just never found the right one” but you can guarantee that it’s him who’s never been the right one for anybody hence why he’s had his arse dumped again and again!

PestoPastaChaChaCha · 28/12/2024 12:58

A relative had never had any long term relationships as he always seemed to find women who he was incompatible with. At 55 he met a lovely lady who was widowed. They married when he was 58. I would give him a chance and make up your own mind.

Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:02

Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 12:55

I would not date anyone who has got to 40 and never had a long term relationship. The fact he isn’t able to be in a relationship for longer than 3 months tells me he has some serious issues! Of course, he will use the usual ‘crazy ex’ spiel or say “I’ve just never found the right one” but you can guarantee that it’s him who’s never been the right one for anybody hence why he’s had his arse dumped again and again!

But what issues do you think he has?

Ah forgot to add that I asked, I think on the 1st or 2nd date - why he never married and he said something like ‘he never met someone he wanted to be married to’

That seemed ok at the time but now that I know he never had a relationship past 3 months, of course he never had the chance to get to know someone well enough to get married

Side note - marriage is not my goal

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 28/12/2024 13:04

I am confused ... What did he mean by , 'they don't like it'? Is it some weird sexual kink or does he have a stuffed bear in the bedroom etc?

Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:04

PestoPastaChaChaCha · 28/12/2024 12:58

A relative had never had any long term relationships as he always seemed to find women who he was incompatible with. At 55 he met a lovely lady who was widowed. They married when he was 58. I would give him a chance and make up your own mind.

Thanks but how would you define long term in his situation as 3 months seems very very short.

Some people start having sex at 3 months!

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:07

RaininSummer · 28/12/2024 13:04

I am confused ... What did he mean by , 'they don't like it'? Is it some weird sexual kink or does he have a stuffed bear in the bedroom etc?

I dont know and that is the problem. I didn’t ask anymore. I noticed the time and found the answer to shallow as it was a topic he should be explaining properly without me probing - in my opinon - since at only 3rd date we both are supposed to be presenting ourselves as suitable partners and doing what it takes to be seen in the best light

OP posts:
OpalFruitsYay · 28/12/2024 13:07

How about friendships? Is he able to maintain those? Have you met any of his old friends? Might give you more insight into what kind of a person he is!

smallsilvercloud · 28/12/2024 13:08

Hard to say, it could be he loses enthusiasm by 3 months and then they get fed up and leave or he starts displaying toxic behaviour or a sexual issue.
I think it's fair to give a chance and date him only if you really want to, yourself can leave at any point.

Neveranynamesleft · 28/12/2024 13:09

Give the guy a chance. Stop trying to analyse him and see how it goes.

Doggymummar · 28/12/2024 13:10

I would keep dating until you see something wrong. If this is it then don't go again.

Was his house nice, clean tidy, can he cook clean iron look after himself. Is he clean tidy fashionable or presentable. Does he have pets he cares for, what about his family, friends etc. these are the things I would like to know about.

Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:11

OpalFruitsYay · 28/12/2024 13:07

How about friendships? Is he able to maintain those? Have you met any of his old friends? Might give you more insight into what kind of a person he is!

No. I have not met any family or friends of course, it has been 3 dates over the course of 1.5 months now.

Like I said he seems to maintain old friendships and seems to have a large social groups and some hobbies with people he meets regurlarly for the hobbies.

Also works is a collaborative field so seems like lots of colleagues and networking / travel etc

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 13:11

The “they don’t like it” rubbish he’s spouting tells me he’s done something that ‘they’ don’t like and have dumped his arse. Sorry op I know some people will say they know others who never had a committed relationship went on to get married and are now happy, this is an extreme rarity and although it does/ can happen, I’ve found that 99.9% of the time the guy can’t pin down a relationship because there is something wrong with them. Just saying.

Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:13

Doggymummar · 28/12/2024 13:10

I would keep dating until you see something wrong. If this is it then don't go again.

Was his house nice, clean tidy, can he cook clean iron look after himself. Is he clean tidy fashionable or presentable. Does he have pets he cares for, what about his family, friends etc. these are the things I would like to know about.

Yes. Nice house, clean and tidy, cooks well.
Dresses well.

Likes good quality stuff in terms of food, furnitures, clothes/shoes.

Good teeth. Smells clean.

OP posts:
Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:14

No pets or plants but talks fondly about nieces, nephews etc

OP posts:
smithey85 · 28/12/2024 13:18

Would you like him any more if he said his longest relationship was 15 years? You’ve had three dates already so there is obviously something there, give the man a chance.

Admittedly 3 months is very short; not even sure I’d class that as a relationship, but he could have been focused on his career, he could have been very ill or he might have been caring for a sick relative for many years .

I am a little puzzled by the ‘they don’t like it ‘ quote, so rather than questioning him why he has never had a relationship longer than three months I’d be asking him what he meant by that.

I'm assuming you’ve not slept together yet, it sounds something sexual to me, either a tiny cock or he has a weird fetish?

But, the only way you’re going to find out is by giving him a chance and going on another date…

northernlight20 · 28/12/2024 13:20

‘They don’t like it’ is a red flag. I would see him again and gently ask what they didn’t like. From his reaction and his reply you can then decide whether to move on or not.

Seaworthy · 28/12/2024 13:21

northernlight20 · 28/12/2024 13:20

‘They don’t like it’ is a red flag. I would see him again and gently ask what they didn’t like. From his reaction and his reply you can then decide whether to move on or not.

Agree with this. Experience of similar and it didn't bode well...

FuriousPoodle · 28/12/2024 13:22

I think I’d be more concerned by his shallow response than the length of his relationships. Do you generally have to probe him?

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 28/12/2024 13:24

It's interesting that he 'put the blame on' the women for the relationships ending - "they didn't like it". It's a very odd way to phrase it. Also, I would expect a potential partner to follow up with a bit more detail, at least. If he's this cagey, I'm not surprised he's never had a long lasting relationship!

I'd definitely broach the subject again and ask him for clarification on exactly WHAT the other women didn't like?

Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:25

smithey85 · 28/12/2024 13:18

Would you like him any more if he said his longest relationship was 15 years? You’ve had three dates already so there is obviously something there, give the man a chance.

Admittedly 3 months is very short; not even sure I’d class that as a relationship, but he could have been focused on his career, he could have been very ill or he might have been caring for a sick relative for many years .

I am a little puzzled by the ‘they don’t like it ‘ quote, so rather than questioning him why he has never had a relationship longer than three months I’d be asking him what he meant by that.

I'm assuming you’ve not slept together yet, it sounds something sexual to me, either a tiny cock or he has a weird fetish?

But, the only way you’re going to find out is by giving him a chance and going on another date…

1- not slept together yet

2- at 53 lots of us had time to build career and have a relationship last longer - from what he does he could have had both

3- why just not be more candid if he wants a 4th date? sure he should be presenting himself in a good light and should know his answer is a turn off

4- I’m neutral towards him - have no feelings yet. Saw him 3 times as he is good company and we have few things in common and as the dating pool is so rubbish he does stand out but I’m slow to catch feelings and need to know the person well first which it seems like will be a challenge with him as he is open about positive stuff but close about negative stuff - understandable but pushes people away

5- if it is fetish - I’d think people discuss this early on to ensure compatibility and not waste time?

6- My bet is either micro penis or ED

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 28/12/2024 13:26

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 28/12/2024 13:24

It's interesting that he 'put the blame on' the women for the relationships ending - "they didn't like it". It's a very odd way to phrase it. Also, I would expect a potential partner to follow up with a bit more detail, at least. If he's this cagey, I'm not surprised he's never had a long lasting relationship!

I'd definitely broach the subject again and ask him for clarification on exactly WHAT the other women didn't like?

This is more or less what I said. In none of these ‘relationships’ has he taken the blame, just told the op “they don’t like it”! I’d be very wary of a man who tried to blame everyone else for ALL of his past relationship failures. Strange how none of these women ‘liked it’! Not one of them! Yet he blames the women!

Original poster
LydiaHenry · 28/12/2024 13:26

FuriousPoodle · 28/12/2024 13:22

I think I’d be more concerned by his shallow response than the length of his relationships. Do you generally have to probe him?

No but we generally talk about positive things and now I’m moving to more deep territory

OP posts:
Custardslices · 28/12/2024 13:28

Shag him and find out if that's a problem

If not and it's something else atleast you got off

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/12/2024 13:28

RaininSummer · 28/12/2024 13:04

I am confused ... What did he mean by , 'they don't like it'? Is it some weird sexual kink or does he have a stuffed bear in the bedroom etc?

I wonder the same .
I wondered if he was meaning his parts were called “it”
Id have a 4th date and find out what he means .

ToomanyMilesAway · 28/12/2024 13:29

It could have been a defensive answer as he feels embarrassed about his dating history? I would have asked further about it though. I am old enough now to ask anything that I need an answer to and you need to too. I think it's a shame that you even think about things like a small penis though. Reverse that kind of thought and someone thinking you might have small boobs or something. It's not very nice.