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Original poster

Is my wife's behaviour acceptable

49 replies

AnonUserNeedsAdvice · 28/12/2024 08:47

I really need help knowing if I am over reacting, I don't think I am but my wife obviously does.

My wife was never secretive with her phone until recently, then for a few weeks it was never out of her reach. She then got a new phone, but her old one remainded linked. From here on multiple things happened that in my opinion get progressively worse.

Firstly she received a call from our daughters male dance teacher (we have 4 kids together). I saw the phone call on her old phone, left it to call out, and initially thought nothing of it, but then she deleted the phone call from her record. When I asked her she flat out denied having or deleting the call (but later admitted it after been challenged on the next things). This happened again a few days later.

On a family birthday party, I took our three youngest kids home so my wife and eldest daughter could stay out and listen/dance to an entertainer at our local restaurant. I again saw a phone call pop up from the same man, and when I called my wife I could see she was on another call. When I finally talked to her she again denied it at first, it also turns out she had left our 11 year old daughter in the restaurant (with another adult) to take the phone call privately.

This is where it gets worse for me. A Snapchat message from the same man came up on her old phone saying "Is it safe to talk? X x x". My wife responded with something i will never see given messages were set to auto delete, and all he responded was "OK x".When i saw that I logged in to her account as I couldn't take it. Until then I didn't use Snapchat, but figured out how to see how often they were talking. He was her "BFF" based on chat frequency meaning she spoke to him more than anyone else, with at least a 3 week streak (daily unbroken messages, thats a Snapchat term, not mine), and over 3k messages sent!

We spoke about this the next day, and eventually got to a reasonable position with each other considering the situation. She claims he is struggling with his marriage and just vents to her, but over 3000 messages, the secretive nature of her messages, lying to my face and deleting phone calls seems too much for just that. I asked her to not message him as much, and if she does not use an auto deleting app. The very same day I caught her messaging him whilst sat in the same room. She again lied and said she was messaging another friend, but then the response message from him popped up on Snapchat as she was saying this.

She insists she is doing nothing wrong, and says she has to message him given he teaches our kids. I've again asked her to block him on Snapchat and only communicate over normal messages but this got her angry at me and she has no intentions of doing it.

I honestly love my wife so much, but I don't think I can accept her messaging him going forward at all, or at most to organise a dance lesson. Even if it is innocent the way it has been hidden and lied about means I will never fully accept that. I worry my wife is just going to continue messaging him regardless, or even start doing it more secretive and just tell me she has stopped.

I really want opinions on two things, but any advice is appreciated. Am I been unreasonable by been upset by this and asking her to stop messaging, and does my wife's explanation seem reasonable given the secrecy?

Thanks for any help

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 28/12/2024 08:51

At the very least its an emotional affair. I'd be done.

Gggglinda · 28/12/2024 08:55

you shouldn't have told her and carried on looking for a little while so you could see for yourself what she's saying to him. But she clearly has no problem lying to you and wants to carry on speaking to him.

grimmeeper · 28/12/2024 08:55

It's an affair

Azandme · 28/12/2024 08:57

At the very least it's an emotional affair...

MyNewLife2025 · 28/12/2024 09:18

When did you start having doubts @AnonUserNeedsAdvice ?

A phone call from your dc dance teacher would NOT have made you have doubts to the point of checking that the call has been deleted. So I’m assuming something else has happened before??
Same with charging the old phone secretly to be able to see the Snapchat messages on it.

And yet you say that up to 3 weeks ago, there was nothing untoward going on.

So I’m wondering what else is going on

Original poster
AnonUserNeedsAdvice · 28/12/2024 09:27

The old phone wasn't locked, and my second daughter often uses it to watch YouTube, I don't think my wife knew they were synced. The main thing for me was how secretive she had become with her phone. She used to lose it every day and have me calling it, then all of a sudden she was messaging all the time and the phone never left her pocket. There were lots of small things, but nothing major that made me look. She's now changed her phone screen lock, and got facial recognition to access any social media; this isn't me trying to get in, she told me about the pin, then I've just noticed she has to show her face when she opens any app. When I saw the call I wasn't suspicious, then I asked "did you speak to NAME" and the answer was no. That made me check the phone and the call was deleted. It could have been going on ages and i just didn't notice anything. Thank you for responses so far. MyNewLife2025, what's your view please?

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 28/12/2024 09:41

You are not being unreasonable. Your wife is almost certainly having an emotional affair or at the very least a flirtation with this man. The fact you've spoken to her about it and shes just ramped up the security on her phone shows she's carrying on with it and doesn't intend to stop.lt looks as though she is determined to pursue this relationship in spite of you raising it with her.

Original poster
AnonUserNeedsAdvice · 28/12/2024 09:47

@MyNewLife2025 thanks for the post, only just started using this app so responded above but then realised I can respond directly

OP posts:
BlueSilverCats · 28/12/2024 09:50

At the very least it's an emotional affair, at worst it went beyond that. So what do you want to do next? Because this can't go on. The trust is gone and you're stuck in a toxic cycle of mistrust,questioning, justifications and arguing. You can't go on like this.

MushMonster · 28/12/2024 09:52

This is unreasonable.
She lied.
She is spending an insane amount of time on someone else's marriage instead of hers. Well, many affairs start like this. And it is already a full blown emotional drag/ affair in her own marriage! Which she refuses to address?
I would be the one taking the children to this dance class, just to make it pl0aain clear to this idiot that I know. Definitively not her. And I would move the children to other dance school or other activity. All her stupid fault for ruinning it with the thousands of texts.
If she refuses, that would be it. Divorce.
The cheek on some people. Honestly!

MummyShah369 · 28/12/2024 09:53

You have four kids with her think you need an honest conversation see what she wants and decide what you want… depending on your kids etc make a decision on next steps

Original poster
AnonUserNeedsAdvice · 28/12/2024 09:56

@BlueSilverCats it's all very raw. I tried ignoring it over the last few days, partly so the kids enjoyed Christmas but also because I genuinely still love my wife. I really hope it is just emotional, and as you say I can't just go on like this. I had a panic attack yesterday while out with my dad just thinking about it. I really don't want to lose her and love her so much. I just want her to stop, and if anything has been going on admit it. At the very least I need her to acknowledge what she has done is wrong

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 28/12/2024 10:04

Sorry you are going through this.

You need to have a serious conversation with your wife. At the very least she is having an emotional affair with this man.

People think emotional affairs are nothing because its not physical but any friendship which is kept secret and the person is investing in is wrong and she needs to acknowledge that

Elasticatedtrousers · 28/12/2024 10:06

No her behaviour is not acceptable. This is affair territory.

It is a horrendous situation to be in and the panic attack is because you feel so unsafe emotionally. It is not ok for her to prioritise this man over her husband and kids.

Surviving infidelity is a superb site which will give you advice from people who have been in your shoes. I can't recommend it enough. They have a just found out forum where they can guide you through the 180 for emotional distance so job can get your head around a move forward, whatever that might be.

I really am sorry, I know very well what you are going through.

JustMyView13 · 28/12/2024 10:07

This man is the dance teacher of your children. Not some long time friend, why is she supporting him through marriage woes at potentially the cost of her own marriage?

For what it’s worth this screams affair. At very least, an emotional affair. The lying is almost worse than the 3k messages in one brief period - but that’s beyond weird. I cba to math the math on that, but that is a lot of physical time and emotional headspace.

mrmr1 · 28/12/2024 10:12

Maybe you should take your daughter to the next dance lesson and have a little word and see how that goes down with her.

MyNewLife2025 · 28/12/2024 10:27

@AnonUserNeedsAdvice I was very much wondering if there was any other signs before because I would never have thought about checking back. So I sort of assumed you had doubts before hand.

But yes I get why you checked.

Im sorry @AnonUserNeedsAdvice I agree with others. She is having an emotional affair c at the very least 😢😢
Im 😵‍💫😵‍💫 that she hasn’t realised the two phones are connected now that you’ve raised your concerns tbh. Even worse if your dcs can come across the messages whilst playing!!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 28/12/2024 10:36

Sorry this is happening to you love. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. It’s so disrespectful. If I was you I’d tell her clearly and calmly you’re not putting up with this any longer. If it’s just a silly phase she’s going through then you calmly saying you’re not putting up with this may frighten her into a reality check. She thinks she can walk all over you and no woman finds that kind of man attractive. Show her you demand some respect! Dont be chasing her. She’s so out of order.

You’ll be ok in the end, whatever happens.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 28/12/2024 10:38

Keep the messages as proof

Seaoftroubles · 28/12/2024 10:46

I agree with previous posters, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and tell her this is unacceptable and inappropriate behaviour and you need it to stop. Also if possible take your daughter to her next dance lesson and future lessons. Don't confront him at this stage though, that wouldn't be fair on your daughter. Let your wife know that her behaviour is very disrespectful to you and your daughter and if she continues there will be consequences.

TangoFoxtrotCharlie · 28/12/2024 10:55

She's up to no good and she knows it, hence the secrecy. I really feel for you, it's an awful thing for your wife to be doing to you but from an outside perspective it's pretty clear. Think about if the roles were reversed, what would induce you to behave like this?

At the very least you'd need to switch dance classes and cut all contact but she'a already made it clear she's prioritising him over you. You therefore need to start prioritising yourself.

I'd be tempted to turn up at the dance class and mention loudly that you're sorry to hear his marriage is in such a bad state he's traded 3000 messages with your wife but that's probably not actually a good idea.

Usernameisunavailable · 28/12/2024 11:08

She’s having an affair. If she was just supporting a friend, why the need for secrecy and deleting any messages? And the sheer volume - 3000 messages! It’s clearly not acceptable behaviour in any way. What you chose to do about it is up to you but it would be a deal breaker for me.

Bettyboo111 · 28/12/2024 11:14

AnonUserNeedsAdvice · 28/12/2024 08:47

I really need help knowing if I am over reacting, I don't think I am but my wife obviously does.

My wife was never secretive with her phone until recently, then for a few weeks it was never out of her reach. She then got a new phone, but her old one remainded linked. From here on multiple things happened that in my opinion get progressively worse.

Firstly she received a call from our daughters male dance teacher (we have 4 kids together). I saw the phone call on her old phone, left it to call out, and initially thought nothing of it, but then she deleted the phone call from her record. When I asked her she flat out denied having or deleting the call (but later admitted it after been challenged on the next things). This happened again a few days later.

On a family birthday party, I took our three youngest kids home so my wife and eldest daughter could stay out and listen/dance to an entertainer at our local restaurant. I again saw a phone call pop up from the same man, and when I called my wife I could see she was on another call. When I finally talked to her she again denied it at first, it also turns out she had left our 11 year old daughter in the restaurant (with another adult) to take the phone call privately.

This is where it gets worse for me. A Snapchat message from the same man came up on her old phone saying "Is it safe to talk? X x x". My wife responded with something i will never see given messages were set to auto delete, and all he responded was "OK x".When i saw that I logged in to her account as I couldn't take it. Until then I didn't use Snapchat, but figured out how to see how often they were talking. He was her "BFF" based on chat frequency meaning she spoke to him more than anyone else, with at least a 3 week streak (daily unbroken messages, thats a Snapchat term, not mine), and over 3k messages sent!

We spoke about this the next day, and eventually got to a reasonable position with each other considering the situation. She claims he is struggling with his marriage and just vents to her, but over 3000 messages, the secretive nature of her messages, lying to my face and deleting phone calls seems too much for just that. I asked her to not message him as much, and if she does not use an auto deleting app. The very same day I caught her messaging him whilst sat in the same room. She again lied and said she was messaging another friend, but then the response message from him popped up on Snapchat as she was saying this.

She insists she is doing nothing wrong, and says she has to message him given he teaches our kids. I've again asked her to block him on Snapchat and only communicate over normal messages but this got her angry at me and she has no intentions of doing it.

I honestly love my wife so much, but I don't think I can accept her messaging him going forward at all, or at most to organise a dance lesson. Even if it is innocent the way it has been hidden and lied about means I will never fully accept that. I worry my wife is just going to continue messaging him regardless, or even start doing it more secretive and just tell me she has stopped.

I really want opinions on two things, but any advice is appreciated. Am I been unreasonable by been upset by this and asking her to stop messaging, and does my wife's explanation seem reasonable given the secrecy?

Thanks for any help

The behaviour clearly points to an affair.
Oh dear.
What an awful thing to happen...

Original poster
AnonUserNeedsAdvice · 28/12/2024 11:14

This thread has already (hopefully) done so much good for me in the space of a few hours. I showed my wife what I had wrote in here so that she could tell me if she thought I had exaggerated anything, or made anything up, and then showed her the responses to at least let her see it's not just me thinking this looks bad (she was insisting it was just me, and that if this was the other way round she would be fine about it). She still says it was not an emotional affair, but admits it is not good and does not look good. She says she will block him and stop talking to him on social media, I hope that happens but not sure how I will find out if she doesn't. She's also said she will change her passwords back, I made it clear this is not so I can snoop (although I know she will not believe that), but it does mean I have the ability to get in her phone and her knowing that sets a level of trust; it will be interesting to see if the phone stays in her pocket all the time again. I really do love her and my whole family, so as much as I might sound naive I really hope this works. Thank you to everyone who posted, I'll try and return the favour to others in the future

OP posts:
ChristmasEveNotChristmasSteve · 28/12/2024 11:15

You're not being unreasonable but she is, whether she's being honest or not. (And you've said she has been dishonest, too). She should probably cut him off to save your relationship, but obviously she hasn't. Anyone would be upset in your situation. Sorry.

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