Is my wife's behaviour acceptable

[AnonUserNeedsAdvice]

I really need help knowing if I am over reacting, I don't think I am but my wife obviously does.

My wife was never secretive with her phone until recently, then for a few weeks it was never out of her reach. She then got a new phone, but her old one remainded linked. From here on multiple things happened that in my opinion get progressively worse.

Firstly she received a call from our daughters male dance teacher (we have 4 kids together). I saw the phone call on her old phone, left it to call out, and initially thought nothing of it, but then she deleted the phone call from her record. When I asked her she flat out denied having or deleting the call (but later admitted it after been challenged on the next things). This happened again a few days later.

On a family birthday party, I took our three youngest kids home so my wife and eldest daughter could stay out and listen/dance to an entertainer at our local restaurant. I again saw a phone call pop up from the same man, and when I called my wife I could see she was on another call. When I finally talked to her she again denied it at first, it also turns out she had left our 11 year old daughter in the restaurant (with another adult) to take the phone call privately.

This is where it gets worse for me. A Snapchat message from the same man came up on her old phone saying "Is it safe to talk? X x x". My wife responded with something i will never see given messages were set to auto delete, and all he responded was "OK x".When i saw that I logged in to her account as I couldn't take it. Until then I didn't use Snapchat, but figured out how to see how often they were talking. He was her "BFF" based on chat frequency meaning she spoke to him more than anyone else, with at least a 3 week streak (daily unbroken messages, thats a Snapchat term, not mine), and over 3k messages sent!

We spoke about this the next day, and eventually got to a reasonable position with each other considering the situation. She claims he is struggling with his marriage and just vents to her, but over 3000 messages, the secretive nature of her messages, lying to my face and deleting phone calls seems too much for just that. I asked her to not message him as much, and if she does not use an auto deleting app. The very same day I caught her messaging him whilst sat in the same room. She again lied and said she was messaging another friend, but then the response message from him popped up on Snapchat as she was saying this.

She insists she is doing nothing wrong, and says she has to message him given he teaches our kids. I've again asked her to block him on Snapchat and only communicate over normal messages but this got her angry at me and she has no intentions of doing it.

I honestly love my wife so much, but I don't think I can accept her messaging him going forward at all, or at most to organise a dance lesson. Even if it is innocent the way it has been hidden and lied about means I will never fully accept that. I worry my wife is just going to continue messaging him regardless, or even start doing it more secretive and just tell me she has stopped.

I really want opinions on two things, but any advice is appreciated. Am I been unreasonable by been upset by this and asking her to stop messaging, and does my wife's explanation seem reasonable given the secrecy?

Thanks for any help

I'm sorry OP but I think she's been having an affair. The level of secrecy and the lying isn't what someone would do if they were just being supportive to a friend going through a tough time. She has placated you for now but are you really going to trust her? I suspect that a few months down the line, you will discover that their relationship has continued. Sorry if you think this is harsh but I do think you are being played big time here 🙁

In my opinion you will need more than this. If you can, arrange for someone to have the kids for a few hours and have a non judgemental, non confrontational,frank conversation with her as to why this has happened. How is she feeling, is there anything missing in your relationship, is she happy, what did she get out of the chats/whatever went on etc. If there's a bigger issue in your relationship, it needs to be out in the open and worked on , otherwise it could happen again.

Really sorry to hear that you're going through this. From my experience, you will never get a straight answer from your wife. This is an emotional affair. She's perhaps infatuated with him and feels she has a real connection with him. Whatever it is, he ticks all the boxes for her.

I've gone through three years of this so far. My partner has a similar 'online friend'. If I protest about it or express any insecurity she'll lie and deny that she's in regular contact with him. She'll get quite angry. To be fair, he comes and goes. There may not be any contact for months but them he'll return and she'll become evasive and begin hiding her phone etc.

I chose to stay but it's affected our sex life etc. I just don't fancy her if she's prioritising another man. Why would I?

Ultimatum time.

She stops. Blocks and never contacts again.

Or she moves out.

Simple.

Dont be the sucker. I was in a very similar situation. DM if you want to talk.

Thanks, fully agree, and not claiming I'm perfect, and equally we are so busy with 4 kids we don't get much alone time, so yes really need to try and do that. I know I sound an idiot even writing this, but I do hope we work out, and i would rather be heartbroken in a few months rather than not try at all

Thanks @Fartypants83 ,that at least made me laugh just typing your name (I'm 37, so probably shouldn't find that funny 😄). I may do, I'm going to try and have the conversation with my wife first on our own and see what comes out of that

Hope you get this sorted BUT still think you should take DD to dance, if your wife is sincere then she won’t oppose this.

If it's innocent then you can take over the admin for the dance lesson talk.

Absolutely. Please start looking into ending this. Asking if it's safe to talk is very suspicious.

The fact this man asked if it was safe to talk suggests that there's at the very least an emotional affair going on. If she was genuinely helping a friend who is having a rough time, she'd have mentioned it to you sometimes ago. If the situation was innocent, she wouldn't be keeping the friendship secret or having her phone joined at her hip. Now she's changed her access to Apps to face recognition, and put in other security measures!! It's hardly the behaviour of someone who has nothing to hide. You do need a honest conversation with her. She needs to stop with the lies and be honest with you. You can't live with someone you distrust, and someone who shows you a lack of respect.

3000 messages..... Clear to me. How horrible for you to find out over the Christmas period x

The trust is gone at this point.

But he will never get an honest conversation with her. That's the problem. She might admit that it 'doesn't look good' and promise to delete the contact but she doesn't respect him enough to even engage in honest conversations.

Mate she's cheating on you

Not stupid at all, a lot of people (men and women) feel like that, especially if they're still inlove and fairly oblivious to other issues in the relationship.

That’s why this conversation needs to happen. It can be something you talk about, work on and agree as a couple to try and fix . That would be the best case scenario. The next best case, is that the relationship is dead and you split up amicably before anger ,resentment and hate seep it and ruin everything.

Shame I hope you sort it out truly I do OP, I have just been through this, I was promised she was blocked, it didn’t mean anything, it was all over, but I was lied to then blamed, gaslighted, ignored, etc, despite trying for months and months to talk it out, and save a very long marriage. We are near the end of our divorce. Hence I truly hope you work it out and talk, it’s all about being honest, supporting each other whether times are tough or not. I wouldn’t want you to be in the same mental state I’m in at the moment..it’s not at all nice..moving out of the MH in a couple of weeks too. So good luck.

Now you've shown her this thread you've given her instructions on how to hide her contact with him.

I do hope it works for you OP, for you both and your children's sake.
You are right to fight for what you love. Fully right to demand she keeps her phone accible, emails, the lot...
Block this man, in everything.
And I would change dancing studio, now.
She really needs to understand what she has done, by the way. It is an emotional affair and she flipping lied.

An affair is not something to battle through. It signals the end of a relationship.

Your wife wants out and she’s chosen an affair to acheive that. Nobody is that thick they think this is ok. And she’s continued despite the fact you can see the calls. It doesn’t take a genius to conclude she wants you to know.

Just leave for your own sake. She doesn’t want to be married anymore and her behaviour has told you that. You really don’t need to spend the next few years monitoring her calls and parenting her.

@AnonUserNeedsAdvice, of course she’s going to deny her EA, which this so clearly is. She is super invested in this romance, hence the lying, secrecy, subterfuge, and thousands of messages.

You’ve given her a jolt by showing her this thread which validates and supports your position. We see that she is ‘that woman’ who is illicitly involved with her child’s teacher. Her making noise about being transparent and blocking OM is likely a ruse to throw you off the scent, so I urge you to be skeptical and vigilant. As she is still deep in her affair fog, they will likely go underground now. Key is her dishonesty about this being infidelity, which sets the stage for a false reconciliation.

She has been making a mockery of you and still is, yet is suffering no consequences. Be very careful.

I'm sorry this is happening. It IS unacceptable.

To buck the trend, I will say a male colleague and I have a close friendship and text several times daily, we also talk a lot on the phone BUT none of it is hidden - he is a good friend to DH too, as well as being my DS football coach; and my phone is open all the time, never pin locked at home and all of my calls are on speaker as I'm generally multitasking while on the phone.
DH would tell me if he thought there was anything untoward, but there isn't, and I am very open about, which isn't a problem as there's no reason to not be!

It’s not innocent. Only bad intentions with snap chat

you need to draw a hard boundary

OP how's life now? I hope it all worked out well for you.

Not unreasonable at all. At best she’s engaged in an emotional affair with him, or it’s gone further. Either way she’s clearly prioritising whatever is going on over your feelings and your marriage.

This doesn’t have to be the end, but if it were me (and I have been in a similar situation, which didn’t end well), I’d stop pussyfooting around and tell her you know exactly what is going on and don’t let her gaslight you with any of the nonsense she’s give. So far. She can carry on with him, or she can be married to you.

You might want to take an initial appointment with a family lawyer to understand what your position would be on divorce if that happens, as this may influence what you want to do. At the end of the day people do have affairs, and not every marriage has to end because of one, if that’s what both parties in the marriage want. But don’t be played like a mug. No one deserves that.