Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No leverage, no reason for improvement

41 replies

MilkMonitor · 02/05/2008 12:16

Recently DH has been very snappy, irritable and hostile.

He says he loves me and the DCs. We are his raison d'etre.

But I find he will become ratty very quickly in a conversation. I have asked him not to. It doesn't make any difference. It happens at least ten times a week. I leave the room when it happens.

He seems to think that bringing peace offerings like expensive products makes up for it. I feel like a prostitute when he brings me these because his behaviour doesn't change but he brings me presents which signify he can say what he likes as long as he says sorry afters.

I don't know what else to do to change his behaviour. Maybe I should leave? I have no money though.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 02/05/2008 12:28

Ending your marriage because your DH gets a bit arsey sometimes (appreciate that might be an understatement without knowing the details) seems excessive.

You say this is recent, has anything changed, new job/responsibilities at work, new baby, new house? Is there something particular that could be stressing your DH?

Perhaps you could try a different approach and ask him what's making him behave this way and is there anything you can do to help. The fact that he is trying to apologise, albeit inappropriately in your eyes with expensive gifts, suggests he is genuinely remorseful

I think you need to know what the problem is before you can both try and fix it

scattyspice · 02/05/2008 12:34

I agree with pheebe.

Remember you can't change someone elses behavioyr (neither are you responsible for it). Ask if he's alright, listen to his answer, don't judge him don't criticise him. If all else fails, avoid him (do your own thing and leave him to himself). Its probably just a phase.

(Thank god DH didn't react like you or I'd have been single long ago LOL).

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 02/05/2008 12:42

His aggression bothers me. It keeps happening. What's the point of saying sorry if nothing changes?

He started a new job last September, we have three DCs, I'm a SAHM. I'm concerned it'll lead to more hostility. He's been violent twice five years ago.

OP posts:
scattyspice · 02/05/2008 12:55

Oh violent. Sorry milkmonitor, now thats a different thing. Do you mean physically or verbally?

Sorry I'm going soon (at work). Don't excuse physical violence though and some verbal aggression is just as bad. In that case he needs to seek help (? start with GP), if he won't then you may have to consider ultimatums for your own safety / sanity and for your kids.

Good Luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2008 13:25

The short answer is you cannot change his behaviour at all but you can change how you react to it.

BTW what are his parents like towards him?.

What's he teaching his children by acting like this?. How will you feel if your children start copying his ways?. They are learning from you both - what are you both teaching them about relationships?.

Will he be willing to have relationship counselling?. If he does not agree to this then go to such your own.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 04/05/2008 18:48

Today was hideous. We went out for dinner last night which was ok. I drank two glasses too much wine and felt awful as a result this morning. I got up at 6am as usual with the children, got them breakfast etc but by 7.30am, felt too ill and woke up H.

He let me sleep until 9am. I came down and was irritated to see the breakfast table still not cleared away. I asked him why he hadn't cleared it away.

He went mad. Called me an effing bitch, cunt, stuck his finger up in my face, went to the living room, sat down, still calling me names, how I undermine him by not letting him do things in the order he wants to do them. DS is desperately trying to keep things quiet. I told H I'd had enough of his abuse. He said I shouldn't be such a bitch then.

But he said he'd go to anger management as long as I went to see someone to learn how to ask about thing nicely. Apparently, I'm aggressive and hostile when I ask him about stuff or do things. If I ask him nicely then he'll do anything for me.

Then he said until I decide what ways I'm going to change my behaviour, our marriage is on hold. He wanted a deadline to know when I'd decided to get help for my problems.

The rest of the morning saw him behaving like apparently I do, a complete bitch so that I'd know what it's like living with me. And because our marriage is now in limbo, he said, he can do and say what he likes.

We all went out then to a birthday party. I refused to go alone because it would be incredibly hard work looking after the DCs at a party. Of course, at the party, H is chatty, normal, trying to make conversation with me too. I ignore him, thinking he can't just pretend nothing has happened, surely? But then he accuses me of being non conciliatory, trying to prolong the issue and causing trouble.

I just don't know what to do. Nothing I say or do seems to make any difference. Every weekend seems to be vile. I don't want my DCs upset. I don't want to be divorced - who does - but I am starting to think there is no hope. He doesn't really care how much he hurts me because of the red mist. I don't seem to be able to have an effect to make change.

Please help. I feel so desperate.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 18:53

OK, honestly...

The first few sentences of you post I was thinking 'Cor blimey, ungrateful or what? Your husband gives you a lie-in because you're hungover and you start rat-bagging about the breakfast things not being cleared up. Are you for real?'

Then I read the rest of your last post...

Wooooah.

Your husband sounds like an immature, abusive bastard. Calling you a 'cunt'? I mean, what is that? That alone would have me questioning why the hell I was married to this man.

Freckle · 04/05/2008 18:57

Very manipulative of him to turn the issue of his behaviour into one of yours. Unless he's prepared to seek help for his problem, without any conditions of you seeking help for your non-existent problem, then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Keep a note of all the incidents when he loses it, with details as this may be helpful if you finally decide that enough is enough.

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 04/05/2008 19:03

But apparently I am a bitch who doesn't know how to speak nicely to him. Therefore it is my fault.

I got the breakfast stuff all ready. All he had to do was clear it away. I don't think that's ungrateful particularly since he slept in the day before and I did everything as usual.

Who should I speak to in order to learn not to be such a bitch?

OP posts:
Original poster
MilkMonitor · 04/05/2008 19:04

He said we'll get a cleaner and a nanny to reduce my stress and tiredness and stop me being such a bitch.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 19:06

Your husband has serious issues.

allgonebellyup · 04/05/2008 19:08

he sounds truly awful, those names he called you - was it in front of your children???

Original poster
MilkMonitor · 04/05/2008 20:12

Yes, in front of the children.

He admits he has to go to anger management but not unless I do something to. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do in terms of getting help for my behaviour.

I'm really worried. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. What should I do?

OP posts:
Pheebe · 04/05/2008 20:58

Your husband clearly has anger issues and should certainly seek help for that but he has expressed to you concerns about your behaviour too and its unhelpful to dismiss that as 'turning things around on you'.

He has a right to his opinion and if he feels you are behaving inappropriately as well you owe it to your marriage to examine that as well. He may or may not be right but I think its perfectly reasonable for him to ask you to seek some sort of counselling after all thats what you're asking of him. I would think this should preferably as a couple to look at how you communicate with each other and how to move things forward.

Its the easy way out to blame this all on your husband and way too easy to dismiss his concerns just because they've been expressed inappropriately.

MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 21:59

Why don't you go to couples counselling? That's if you are really sure you want to work on this. I'd be showing him the door for calling me a cunt, quite frankly.

Pheebe · 04/05/2008 22:02

I've called my DH a wanker on occassion, not infront of the dcs I hasten to add. Does that mean he should ask me to leave??!! IMO he was being a wanker at the time. Don't think you should let abhorence at the actual word cloud the underlying issues here.

WinkyWinkola · 05/05/2008 09:06

Yeah because the OP must be a real bitch to provoke such an extreme reaction, right?

WinkyWinkola · 05/05/2008 09:06
Hmm
wingandprayer · 05/05/2008 09:27

I think couples couselling would be a good idea because it will allow you to express all the things that you are unhappy with in a safe environment. It sounds like if you tried that at the moment he could react in a dangerous way. Also, saying you're coming too for help with your perceived (by him only) issues may help calm him down temporarily and ensure he does actually attend. I don't believe for a second that you are being a bitch by the way, I just think for the safety of yourself and kids you may have to play along for a bit.

Do Relate operate in your area? Otherwise look for someone registered with the BACP - I think there's a list here...ww.bacp.co.uk Do it as soon as you can while he is still showing signs of guilt at his behaviour (the presents). That may not last for ever unless he confronts his problems.

Pheebe · 05/05/2008 09:45

get a grip winkywinkola, thats not what I said and if you read my post you will see thats not what I said ffs

nothing excuses the ops dh's reaction, unacceptable and he needs help as I said. BUT that doesn't mean he doesn't have any right to an opinion and for all we know perhps the op does come across as a bitch at times even if she doesn't mean to

it is not constructive to simply dismiss the ops dh simply because he behaved like an arse. its his marriage too!!!

WinkyWinkola · 05/05/2008 10:00

No need to get abusive, Pheebe. Dearie me.

Personally, I don't think someone who flies off the handle calling his wife a cunt, effing bitch or whatever for no real reason is not entitled to an opinion about what help other people need until he sorts himself out.

WinkyWinkola · 05/05/2008 10:02

I meant is entitled to an opinion IYSWIM.

SmugColditz · 05/05/2008 10:03

Bin the presents in front of him, tell him that expensive gifts after poor treatment make you feel like a prostitute, and tell him the only thing that will make you feel better is a lack of bad behavior.

Pheebe · 05/05/2008 10:14

sorry if i over reacted I certainly didn't intend to 'abuse' anyone.

You might think it was for no real reason, he obviously didn't. his reaction was way out of proportion but doesn't invalidate his feelings

I do feel strongly that its all to easy to dismiss men's opinions because of the way they all too often deal with their emotions - defensively and aggressively. I do think its also worth bearing in mind that women CAN be bitches and can wind their husbands up to the point where they react inappropriately, doesn't excuse aggressive behaviour but does provide a starting point from which to begin to resolve such issues within a marriage

Pheebe · 05/05/2008 10:15

not saying the op is a bitch or did wind her DH up before I get flamed just that its possible and we don't know either way

again, sorry if you felt abused