Kids ignored by dh parents AIBU

HermoinePotter · 27/12/2024 16:32

While it would be nice to have had a card you can’t expect Step Grandparents to treat your children as part of the family. Some will and some won’t. Personally I couldn’t do that to a child and I’d get them a gift. We have step grandchildren and they will be treated no differently to our natural grandchildren when they’re born. It’s horrible to think people do this to children.

Bigsislookingforadvice · 27/12/2024 16:32

It's a bit mean to not get them a card and a box chocs or similar - I'd personally not go at Christmas if they are like that.

Pancakeflipper · 27/12/2024 16:33

Mean to not give a gift.

I don't think it needs to be equal to their grandchildren but something nice to open would be kind.

StormingNorman · 27/12/2024 16:36

It is mean of them. Hopefully the are ignorant of the damage they are doing to your DC and not doing it intentionally.

Unthinking at best and deliberately cruel at worst.

Moonlightstars · 27/12/2024 16:36

Ugh. I would stop going.
My parents always got my DSS the same my DC and quite rightly so.

Icanlarf · 27/12/2024 16:37

HermoinePotter · 27/12/2024 16:32

While it would be nice to have had a card you can’t expect Step Grandparents to treat your children as part of the family. Some will and some won’t. Personally I couldn’t do that to a child and I’d get them a gift. We have step grandchildren and they will be treated no differently to our natural grandchildren when they’re born. It’s horrible to think people do this to children.

This has really surprised me. I never left my GS step-son out at Christmas. I think it is different if you don’t see them but to give to one child and not others is awful.

Schoolchoicesucks · 27/12/2024 16:37

How old are your DC? A box of chocolates, £10 amazon gift card or something similar as a gesture would have been nice, particularly given they were spending Christmas Day together.
Do they buy you anything?
After last year, when making plans to spend the day together, your DH should have said something and suggested they get a token gift for children they were spending Christmss Day with.

Hesonlyakidharry · 27/12/2024 16:37

Your children have their own grandparents through you and their dad. It’s really not fair to expect your new husband’s parents to find an extra £300 to treat your kids the same, or expect them to give less to their own grandchild so they can give to yours.

It is unfair that they won’t even buy a card and something small like a book/sweets, just something. I give gifts to my friends kids… and they won’t give anything to their own son’s chosen family? That’s not OK. Your husband needs to speak to them and make clear that they need to do something for the other kids, not a gift like they give to their grandchild or money or anything like that but something akin to what they’d buy for extended relatives in the family or children of friends or something.

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/12/2024 16:43

Come on, you wouldn’t really have avoided having your feelings hurt if your kids had received a card. The difference would still be noticeable and it would still sting. The grandparents in this situation couldn’t be expected to match what they were giving their own grandchild and nor should they be expected to give him less. They obviously don’t want to be shopping for presents so this was inevitable.

I wonder why you’ve chosen to take your children to your DH’s parents when you know they want to give your step child a high value Christmas present. It’s lovely of your mum to buy an extra present, but there’s a difference between buying one extra present when you’re doing it anyway, and giving out money to three more children. Just let your DH and his dc go for a Christmas visit with his parents and you and your children do something else that day.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2024 16:47

What has your husband said about his parents behaviour?. This sort of behaviour from grandparents causes difficulties between the children and it should not be tolerated by either of you.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/12/2024 16:47

HermoinePotter · 27/12/2024 16:32

While it would be nice to have had a card you can’t expect Step Grandparents to treat your children as part of the family. Some will and some won’t. Personally I couldn’t do that to a child and I’d get them a gift. We have step grandchildren and they will be treated no differently to our natural grandchildren when they’re born. It’s horrible to think people do this to children.

Disagree entirely.

If this was the OP and she said that his parents didn’t so much as acknowledge her, people wouldn’t say “you can’t expect his parents to treat you as one of the family,” except that by being with him she then is part of the family. And by extension, if you get together with someone who has children they are part of the family.

No maybe they’re not grandchildren in the same way, just as the OP isn’t their child, but they are part of the family because they are the family he has chosen to be a part of.

There is far too much allowance on here of treating step children as second class. If they’re not included then what should they expect? Why should they get presents, their mother/father’s family should give them presents.

It seems clear that may people just view step children as an inconvenient part of their lives, a part which has to be there and tolerated if they want to be with the person they’re with.

The OP’s do should stand up to his parents. Personally I wouldn’t stand for it, and if my parents so blatantly ignored children I had chosen to make a part of my family, they wouldn’t be seeing my children either.

The more and more I read on here about the attitudes to step children, by family, by friends, by random MN’ers who seem to think that step children shouldn’t expect to be considered, the more I think that this whole idea of blending families needs to be outlawed. Because too many children are made victims of situations they never chose to be in in the first place.

Chewbecca · 27/12/2024 16:51

How old are the children?

My SC were mid teens by the time they became my SC and my parents never treated them as SGC, wouldn't even call them by that term. They had they own GPs & didn't need any more!

Never been a problem.

WeGoSlow · 27/12/2024 17:01

I'd find it extremely rude to go to someone's house and some of the guests get gifts whilst others get nothing. It's even worst to treat children in that way.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/12/2024 17:02

Your posting history suggests your relationship with DH isn’t great and you resent your SC. I’m going to guess neither of these issues have gone unnoticed by DH’s parents / SC’s grandparents and they probably aren’t especially motivated to build relationships and treat your DC as family when there’s every chance that within a couple of years you’ll all be out of their lives entirely and they’ll never hear from your DC again. “Blended families” are often a bit of a misnomer like this.

Lifestooshort71 · 27/12/2024 17:15

I wouldn't treat them the same but I would have bought them a selection box and a card. Do they have their father's parents who buy for them? You say you've been with your DH for 3 years which isn't that long from a grandparents' point of view - are you married, presumably you live together? My teenage grandchild visits their father, wife, children at Christmas but doesn't get a gift from their father's family (and doesn't expect anything!). Do your children refer to DH's parents as grandparents?

HopingForTheBest25 · 27/12/2024 17:57

I think people need to stop forcing their kids to go to places where they clearly aren't loved or valued and start putting their children's wellbeing and stability above their own desire to partner up with someone who isn't suitable for their dc!

HermoinePotter · 27/12/2024 18:11

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/12/2024 16:47

Disagree entirely.

If this was the OP and she said that his parents didn’t so much as acknowledge her, people wouldn’t say “you can’t expect his parents to treat you as one of the family,” except that by being with him she then is part of the family. And by extension, if you get together with someone who has children they are part of the family.

No maybe they’re not grandchildren in the same way, just as the OP isn’t their child, but they are part of the family because they are the family he has chosen to be a part of.

There is far too much allowance on here of treating step children as second class. If they’re not included then what should they expect? Why should they get presents, their mother/father’s family should give them presents.

It seems clear that may people just view step children as an inconvenient part of their lives, a part which has to be there and tolerated if they want to be with the person they’re with.

The OP’s do should stand up to his parents. Personally I wouldn’t stand for it, and if my parents so blatantly ignored children I had chosen to make a part of my family, they wouldn’t be seeing my children either.

The more and more I read on here about the attitudes to step children, by family, by friends, by random MN’ers who seem to think that step children shouldn’t expect to be considered, the more I think that this whole idea of blending families needs to be outlawed. Because too many children are made victims of situations they never chose to be in in the first place.

Show quote history

And where did I say they were treated as second class? Some step grandparents accept children and some don’t, there is absolutely nothing wrong in either scenario. It’s not something I personally would do but some people do. You can’t force anyone to treat a child as their own GC and I think it’s awful that it’s “all or nothing” with some people on here.

There was absolutely no need for your rant at the post I made.

HermoinePotter · 27/12/2024 18:12

Icanlarf · 27/12/2024 16:37

This has really surprised me. I never left my GS step-son out at Christmas. I think it is different if you don’t see them but to give to one child and not others is awful.

Show quote history

Did you actually read my post?

Lovelysummerdays · 27/12/2024 18:14

I think it’s really mean not to give them a token gift. Selection box / sweeties/ fiver in a card tbh. I’d give any child I was spending Christmas Day with a small something

Thatsthebottomline · 27/12/2024 18:37

Lemonmelon1 · 27/12/2024 16:23

Been with my dh for 3 years now.
He has one dc from previous marriage and I have 3 dc.
Last year at Xmas we went to his parents with his dc. His dc had £100 and not even a card for mine.
This year we all went together. My sc got £100 and my kids totally ignored again.
I don't expect them to have money but at least a card would have been nice.
My mum on the other hand gets gifts for my sc for day, Xmas and Easter.
It really hurts that my kids get ignored and treated like they don't even exist.

It's very disappointing that's he's not treating them all equally, as his is equally responsible for all of them.

He really should be looking after his four children much better than he is doing and you need to tell him so.

Demand that he cough up 300 quid for his other kids sharpish or you'll find another 6 foot plus man with a six figure bank balance who can do better.

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 27/12/2024 19:02

Hesonlyakidharry · 27/12/2024 16:37

Your children have their own grandparents through you and their dad. It’s really not fair to expect your new husband’s parents to find an extra £300 to treat your kids the same, or expect them to give less to their own grandchild so they can give to yours.

It is unfair that they won’t even buy a card and something small like a book/sweets, just something. I give gifts to my friends kids… and they won’t give anything to their own son’s chosen family? That’s not OK. Your husband needs to speak to them and make clear that they need to do something for the other kids, not a gift like they give to their grandchild or money or anything like that but something akin to what they’d buy for extended relatives in the family or children of friends or something.

Gosh I would not expect £100 or my sc to go without but £5 in an envelope or something would be nice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 27/12/2024 19:03

SometimesCalmPerson · 27/12/2024 16:43

Come on, you wouldn’t really have avoided having your feelings hurt if your kids had received a card. The difference would still be noticeable and it would still sting. The grandparents in this situation couldn’t be expected to match what they were giving their own grandchild and nor should they be expected to give him less. They obviously don’t want to be shopping for presents so this was inevitable.

I wonder why you’ve chosen to take your children to your DH’s parents when you know they want to give your step child a high value Christmas present. It’s lovely of your mum to buy an extra present, but there’s a difference between buying one extra present when you’re doing it anyway, and giving out money to three more children. Just let your DH and his dc go for a Christmas visit with his parents and you and your children do something else that day.

My dh can't drive so I am expected to take him there. It's too far to drop him, come home and then go get him again. Also nothing to do in the area with my children.
I'd never expect the same amount of money but £5 or a small selection pack would have been nice. It's the thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 27/12/2024 19:04

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2024 16:47

What has your husband said about his parents behaviour?. This sort of behaviour from grandparents causes difficulties between the children and it should not be tolerated by either of you.

He does anything he can to avoid conflict! He has given my children £20 each as he thinks it's all really unfair.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 27/12/2024 19:06

HopingForTheBest25 · 27/12/2024 17:57

I think people need to stop forcing their kids to go to places where they clearly aren't loved or valued and start putting their children's wellbeing and stability above their own desire to partner up with someone who isn't suitable for their dc!

I will not be taking them there again and tbh I will not be driving dh there either. If he wants to spend time with them again he can catch a bus. I want nothing to do with people who don't have common decency.

OP posts:

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/12/2024 19:09

A card and a selection box, yes. But you have 3 kids and have only been together 3 years. It isn't the same as your mum buying your one step-child a present.