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Original poster

Boundaries and DS (post divorce)

32 replies

pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:15

ExH and I divorced in September. DD lives with me and DS (19) is a student.
I have cut him a huge amount of slack due to circumstances but feel he is totally taking the piss (.not helped by Ex).

DS did virtually nothing over the summer apart from a few days temping work. Went out with mates, partied, did nothing to contribute to family life and was basically a PITA. I was so consumed by divorcing/selling house I let a huge amount slide.

Before he went back to uni I was clear that when he came back he would be expected to work and pull his weight.

So he has returned from skiing (paid for by Ex) spent the last 4 days "recovering from jet lag" and swore he would have some work sorted today.
He's just crawled out of bed to chase temping agency - nothing available.
Now he's looking to me to sort something for him! Every request for assistance around the home descends into a row and now I am a "hateful woman".

I am at the end of my tether. Ex doesn't contribute maintenance for either of DC nor have either DC spent one night at his house as it's a building site. Excellent at Disney Dad though.

The relationship between me and DS is
Becoming increasingly strained and I just don't know what to do.
Am inclined to give him an ultimatum to find work over the weekend or he goes and stays with his Dad but yet again it will make me out to be the bad guy.

What can I do?

OP posts:
cansu · 27/12/2024 15:19

Is he asking you for money? Is the work meant yo fund something specific or is it just that you think he should be working?

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:21

He ran out of money very early in the term and I have given him money each week for food

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/12/2024 15:31

pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:21

He ran out of money very early in the term and I have given him money each week for food

It's your fault then. Try making him manage his student loan, thats for food instead of propping him up when he fails.

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:34

Yes and now I'm attempting to rectify the situation which is why I'm seeking advice

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 27/12/2024 15:35

Don't give him an ultimatum.

Don't find him work.

His money is his problem.

Tell him that after the divorce you have been looking at how much money you have and you can afford to give him (however) much a week.

No more, no less.

Birdscratch · 27/12/2024 15:37

Have you contacted the CMS about getting maintenance from your ex?

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:38

Ok so the money is one aspect. In the meantime if he's not working he should be contributing around the house surely? How do I address/enforce that?

OP posts:
Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:38

Birdscratch · 27/12/2024 15:37

Have you contacted the CMS about getting maintenance from your ex?

Yes. Am doing it today!

OP posts:
Santaisfillingthesacks · 27/12/2024 15:40

Surely the WiFi code is depending on financial contributions? As is access to the fridge and lifts... Basic foods only and keep your treats in your bedroom... Or indeed the ultimatum shape up or ship out.. And mean it.

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:40

It just feels like a body blow that I am treated with such disrespect when I have literally done everything for him.

OP posts:
Berga · 27/12/2024 15:42

Birdscratch · 27/12/2024 15:37

Have you contacted the CMS about getting maintenance from your ex?

You won't get CMS for a uni student.

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:42

I do think he is taking his cues from Ex who is very bitter towards me

OP posts:
Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 15:42

DD is 15 so am entitled to CMS for her

OP posts:
Birdscratch · 27/12/2024 16:12

Is he going back to university?

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 16:14

Birdscratch · 27/12/2024 16:12

Is he going back to university?

Yes

OP posts:
Tiswa · 27/12/2024 16:18

Is he a full time Uni Student? If so it isn’t thau easy to get something thau balances around lectures

stip cooking and washing etc for him

HowCanItBeNearly2025 · 27/12/2024 16:19

My friend’s parents split up when she was at uni. It totally messed with her head and had a life long impact. The only person you can control is you. Be who you want to be and love your children the best you can.,I wouldn’t use food or money or anything else as a threat. Have they always been like this or is it new behaviour?

HowCanItBeNearly2025 · 27/12/2024 16:20

Octavia64 · 27/12/2024 15:35

Don't give him an ultimatum.

Don't find him work.

His money is his problem.

Tell him that after the divorce you have been looking at how much money you have and you can afford to give him (however) much a week.

No more, no less.

This is good advice IMO.

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 16:27

HowCanItBeNearly2025 · 27/12/2024 16:19

My friend’s parents split up when she was at uni. It totally messed with her head and had a life long impact. The only person you can control is you. Be who you want to be and love your children the best you can.,I wouldn’t use food or money or anything else as a threat. Have they always been like this or is it new behaviour?

So did mine and I found it hard. However there were expectations which I knew were part of the deal

OP posts:
Harkinonnowhear · 27/12/2024 16:28

I have a 19 year old Uni student, I pay her fees, food and accommodation/bills for Uni, there are no loans for Uni available here. She gets a job in the summer to top up what we give her and she works intermittently term time because it is an extremely intensive course hours wise with classes running up until 6/7 in the evenings. I did the same course so she is not making this up. She certainly doesn’t contribute to the running costs of our home. That is pretty much the norm here for university level students.

From my perspective I don’t think you have it too bad comparatively expectation wise except that your relationship with your son needs a fair bit of work. His entitlement, ingratitude and lack of drive would p me off no end. Just stop giving him stuff if you feel he doesn’t appreciate it. Let his Dad step in.

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 16:31

Tiswa · 27/12/2024 16:18

Is he a full time Uni Student? If so it isn’t thau easy to get something thau balances around lectures

stip cooking and washing etc for him

Yes technically he is full time but the reality is his timetable is about 10 hours a week of lectures.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable I am working 45 hours a week to keep a roof over our heads. All I'm asking is that he should fund himself some work during the hols or help out at home.

OP posts:
theallotmentqueen · 27/12/2024 16:32

Sounds like you might have to have a rethink as a household. He’s treating you very badly. However, I would say that lying in bed all day doing nothing isn’t just a sign of laziness: it’s a sign of depression. And a divorce is traumatic for a child of any age, especially when they’re still living at home, and is cause for depression. So you’re stressed out and doing badly, and it sounds like he’s stressed out as well.

Something definitely needs to be done, but I’m not a fan of some of the other responses to this post which suggest that he’s lazy/deliberately malicious. I think it might be time to sit down and have a chat with him about finances. If he’s never had a job before, he might be struggling with how to apply, where to look. Sit down with him for an afternoon and try to give him a hand.

If he’s being rude to you/disrespectful of your time, that’s unacceptable. It makes sense if he’s depressed (lashing out, taking out his sadness on you), but it’s still not ok. I’d speak with him about it, make him aware that his behaviour really hurts you and ask him to be more respectful of you.

Original poster
pipersing · 27/12/2024 16:35

Harkinonnowhear · 27/12/2024 16:28

I have a 19 year old Uni student, I pay her fees, food and accommodation/bills for Uni, there are no loans for Uni available here. She gets a job in the summer to top up what we give her and she works intermittently term time because it is an extremely intensive course hours wise with classes running up until 6/7 in the evenings. I did the same course so she is not making this up. She certainly doesn’t contribute to the running costs of our home. That is pretty much the norm here for university level students.

From my perspective I don’t think you have it too bad comparatively expectation wise except that your relationship with your son needs a fair bit of work. His entitlement, ingratitude and lack of drive would p me off no end. Just stop giving him stuff if you feel he doesn’t appreciate it. Let his Dad step in.

Thank you. You are quite right, our relationship needs work and a big part of that is taking some of the emotion out of the situation.
I am scared that if I continue to be hold
firm will go to his Dad's and our relationship will be irreversibly broken (he has threatened me with this).

OP posts:
Birdscratch · 27/12/2024 16:36

Ok. If he’s going back to university I wouldn’t be bothering about him contributing around the house - he’s about to leave again. He needs to get a job that’s near where he goes to university but that’s his responsibility and really not worth fighting about. All the reasoning, pleading and threatening in the world won’t make him listen to you. You’ll get high blood pressure and he’ll do what he wants. The only way it will sink in is if he ends up skint.

I would stop giving him money and send him to his father every time he asks for it. You don’t need to argue about it, just say that you don’t have money for him. Eventually even his father will get annoyed. It’s one thing to play Disney dad and another when you’re being expected to fork out cash on a weekly basis.

Gymbunny2025 · 27/12/2024 16:39

Birdscratch · 27/12/2024 16:36

Ok. If he’s going back to university I wouldn’t be bothering about him contributing around the house - he’s about to leave again. He needs to get a job that’s near where he goes to university but that’s his responsibility and really not worth fighting about. All the reasoning, pleading and threatening in the world won’t make him listen to you. You’ll get high blood pressure and he’ll do what he wants. The only way it will sink in is if he ends up skint.

I would stop giving him money and send him to his father every time he asks for it. You don’t need to argue about it, just say that you don’t have money for him. Eventually even his father will get annoyed. It’s one thing to play Disney dad and another when you’re being expected to fork out cash on a weekly basis.

I agree with this exactly. I'd work on your relationship with him first the couple of weeks he's home. Let him work out for himself he needs to get a job when he gets back.