Boundaries and DS (post divorce)

[pipersing]

ExH and I divorced in September. DD lives with me and DS (19) is a student.
I have cut him a huge amount of slack due to circumstances but feel he is totally taking the piss (.not helped by Ex).

DS did virtually nothing over the summer apart from a few days temping work. Went out with mates, partied, did nothing to contribute to family life and was basically a PITA. I was so consumed by divorcing/selling house I let a huge amount slide.

Before he went back to uni I was clear that when he came back he would be expected to work and pull his weight.

So he has returned from skiing (paid for by Ex) spent the last 4 days "recovering from jet lag" and swore he would have some work sorted today.
He's just crawled out of bed to chase temping agency - nothing available.
Now he's looking to me to sort something for him! Every request for assistance around the home descends into a row and now I am a "hateful woman".

I am at the end of my tether. Ex doesn't contribute maintenance for either of DC nor have either DC spent one night at his house as it's a building site. Excellent at Disney Dad though.

The relationship between me and DS is
Becoming increasingly strained and I just don't know what to do.
Am inclined to give him an ultimatum to find work over the weekend or he goes and stays with his Dad but yet again it will make me out to be the bad guy.

What can I do?

So he is only there for a few weeks outside term time.

This is how I’d handle it

• make sure you are very clear about what you will do re money. You’ll give him £x and that’s it. Don’t tell him to find a job and what not. He knows p. But why making an effort if you don’t really need it? Your ds will get his hols paid by his dad. Fine. Don’t comment.
• Treat him like an adult. You don’t tell him what to do but you also expect him to do some stuff in the house. Just like he does at Uni. Let’s say cooking a meal once a week. It will be harder if he has never done anything in the house (I found mine reverted back to behave like teens when they are back home….). But I wouldn’t intervene otherwise.
• Build up slowly on what he is expected to do.
• Dont comment or parent him. You can only guide him.
• id make the effort to spend some time with him 1-1. Away from home. I found having lunch together and then a walk in town works well with my dcs. Just an opportunity to chat about Uni, what he is hoping for etc…
• I would pull him up in any rude comment (like the one about ‘women’). Either he is polite or he can go his dad!!

You need to remember things will change again once you’ve sold the house and he is settling more into Uni life. My DCs behaviour changed in the second and then 3rd year. Things they refused to consider (like work) became normal because everyone else is doing it 😁😁

Is your ds receiving money from his dad when he is at Uni? I mean to pay fur food etc…?

Does he live with you in term time? Assuming he doesn't, he's come home for Christmas. And you're nagging him to do housework and get a job! Doesn't sound very welcoming tbh. I can't say I ever expected mine to do anything other than revert back to teenage selves when back from uni - it was nice to see them and make a fuss of them tbh.

You do need to sort out finances though. Does he get a full loan? Does his father help him out? You need to tell him how much you can afford and give him a budget. If he needs more he can get a part time job where he is.

And if he starts calling you names and threatening to go to his dad's let him. Frankly don't put up with any shit like that. You won't lose him in the long run.

He has been depressed and is on meds but I have done everything I can and more to support him.

Thank you all for the advice.
Right I am going to try and back right off with nagging, but that also includes no cooking or cleaning up after him. I also won't be buying expensive food as he demolishes it in the middle of the night (again no checking if that meat is meant for a meal!)

He gets a full loan but because he burned through it for the last 6 weeks of term ex and I were giving him £40'each pw.
I won't be giving him anything going forward. I don't earn much above NLW myself.

I have been in a very similar situation. I can’t say I got it right - but - my tips are:

Be the person YOU want to be. I don’t want to be negative. My ex is a shouty dickhead and my DC need a parent that seems chilled.

At one point I worked a full time job plus two part time ones. I did not hide this but I didn’t keep reminding the kids. DS felt guilty for not contributing but it also made him feel helpless and therefore he did even less iyswim.

Keep telling yourself that this will pass.

Treat DC as though you expect the best of them, even when they let you down, give them the benefit of the doubt with as much cheerfulness as you can fake.

I don’t know if I have got it right but my DS is so much better than he was with each few months that pass by.

It is really hard and I do feel for you. Keep being a person that you feel you can be proud of yourself being and the rest will either fall into place or is out of your control anyway.

Lots of luck and love from sort of the future you - I promise you I am so happy now.