If dating past 40 is so terrible

[StrawberryCherry]

I read a post on here the other day that said dating past 40 was “pointless” which got me thinking. I’m mid 30s I was initially waiting till my children had grown up to start dating again but hearing that dating for women after 40 is “shit and pointless” before anyone says it isn’t this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. Would I be shooting myself in the foot? If dating after 40 is so horrendous would I be better off trying to meet someone now? It would be more difficult but I guess I could make it work

I would be open to dating but not actively seeking or doing OLD if that makes sense.
Think about the demographics / men ‘on the market’ in their 40 ms are either divorced with kids or long-term single (avoidant?) and probably not interested in other men’s small kids.

It would need to be online, I don’t really get the opportunity to meet men irl

I always liked dating when I was past 40, but you do have to keep it light and have a sense of humour. I had many interesting conversations with all sorts of different people that I wouldn't have met in any other setting.
I was looking for a proper relationship and in the end I found one, but I knew the odds weren't high, so I just treated it as a hobby really.

I guess it depends what you are hoping to achieve. I met ds' dad at 42 and had ds at 45 so I'm biased.

And since then, dating is light and simple. None of the complexities of younger years. I have my house and my career secured so it's all lighthearted. No major stresses.

I found it pretty dreadful. I did meet some nice people but so many people lied. Lots of people told me that was the norm but I'm someone who doesn't lie and didn't take too kindly to others doing it!

Exactly as barbarahunter said above. Light hearted, open minded and patience. I dated on and off in my late 30s for 3 plus years after divorce and with two children, I met my now husband whom I’ve been married to for 7 years. I treated it also a bit like a hobby with minimal expectations, really didn’t expect to find someone I wanted to marry.

It's pointless if people are entering into it expecting the same instant gratification they got in their 20s.
It'll be much slower and harder going. You're navigating competing career and family schedules; emotional baggage you both have to sort as you go along and learn to trust again; changes to your body and hormones. Life is very different in your 40s but so much of that is good not bad.

When I was dating at 29-32 when I left my ex husband, I had my pick really as my age range has always been up to 10 years older. I dated a lot. I had a child but often men in their 30s didn't so it was easier. Roll forward to 2021 when I became single again, I needed time to reset and online dating had become more mainstream. I was 39 in 2022 and was ready to dip my toe again. And it's been very hard going. Because now I'm older, but I also have higher expectations so a lot of the guys I said yes to previously, now wouldn't even get a date. I have more history now and more commitments to navigate. The men I'm looking at, are around my age to 10 years older so now they usually have children too - or if they're nearer 50 then they have grown up children and don't want to date someone with dependents. But it isn't completely fruitless and the needles are out there.

In March, I chatted to a guy and at the time dismissed him as he'd only been single a year. Roll forward to about 6 weeks ago and we chatted again. We've since started dating. I'm 41 and he's 43, and he's lovely. It may not last but for now it's good. I have many times felt like giving up on dating because I've felt it's pointless; but actually, the connections you find at this age are just deeper so they're harder to come by.

I'd say 40s is probably the hardest time to date, but not because you're past it. Just because life is complicated during that time and expectations are higher. I would 100% opt for waiting to date until youngest child is primary school age though.

Thanks my youngest is in primary, she’s 7. I have been single a long time, just reading that comment made me think I should start now if it’s all down hill after 40!

It really isn't downhill after 40. It's much better in my experience. You just won't have a huge field to pick from as it's different.

I'm 46 and fell in love this year - with a really brilliant man I met on Hinge. I've had a few rubbish online dating experiences and more than a few that were just a bit 'meh', but I kept on dabbling with it and keeping an open mind. I think that so long as you don't put too much pressure on it, have good boundaries for the bellends (and there are a LOT of bellends) and have a good, happy life outside of dating, it's not such a terrible thing to do.

By the time people get to their 40s they usually have baggage and relationship scars.

In your position I'd avoid the apps and perhaps just try and widen your social circle so they get to meet new people.

Thanks all I would definitely need to use apps, I just don’t get much chance irl, I don’t mind using apps it makes it more easier I think and more options to meet people you probably wouldnt irl. I use to meet men all the time when younger as they would just approached me on the street but that doesn’t happen now 🤣

I have 3 older sisters in there 40s im still in my 30s we`er having more fun now than they did in there 20s.
My eldest sister is with the love of her life and have a 2 year old together shes in her 40s.

I don’t mean to be difficult but why not? You must surely do things like being involved in your kids activities/ hobbies/ school? Do you work as well?

I’ve never made any effort to meet men. Never been to clubs/ bars/ events. They just organically appear through life, mostly through work and related events, also blasts from the past (school/ uni etc).

Do you feel like you’re approachable and give the vibe of being open to conversation?

OLD is probably the one thing I’d advise to steer clear of. I don’t think anyone goes on there with the view of meeting ‘the one’.

Yeah school but I wouldn’t date any of the dads at my kids school?! That’s the place I would avoid 🤣 and I work from home so no opportunity there.

Haha wouldn’t be the first! But no not a good idea generally, it’s fun explaining it to the kids 😂

Do you talk to any colleagues/ clients while wfh? That’s often how an initial interest has started in my experience.

I argue against OLD a lot here. The people you meet through familiar environments, you have the chance to get to know them/ get a bit of a feel for them outside the dating context. You’ll get to know their personality. You know that quite likely they are who they say they are. OLD is just a bloke who’s feeling lonely trying to cure that loneliness with avatars. It’s a way, but IMO letting someone you have no common friends or community overlap with into your life comes with so many added risks.

The men that women secretly really would love to meet - fulfilling jobs, good lifestyle, plenty of friends, responsibilities - I don’t believe are on there. They still meet through their ‘circle’.

If you’re set on online, perhaps social media, eg interacting with people you already know more actively, posting your ideas and pictures etc, may be something to explore.

Whatever you decide, I know it’s hard with kids, but don’t be completely closed off to the idea of meeting someone just because of life stage. It may happen if you’re a little bit open to it, you don’t have to always chase it or work for it for it to happen

What did they lie about?

I have had two longish relationships post 35 that I meet online dating after my relationship with my exH broke up (2 as I decided to end the first after a number of years as I realised it was no longer making me happy).
The dating part is difficult due to differing childcare schedules but not impossible & personally I’m happy to spend eg once a week with someone so that I can spend the rest of the time focussing on DC, work & friends.
I haven’t had bad experiences using dating apps other than some inappropriate messages which are easily ignored. I know there are lots of posts/threads about how awful it is. I wouldn’t say I enjoy it but it’s a means to an end. I think do it when you are ready rather than worrying it will become more difficult after a certain point. My friend has just married someone she met online post 40 so there are some success stories.

The quality of the women on there is much better than the men in my opinion and experience.

I'm 47 and have been on and off dating apps for a couple of years. While my daughter is young (7), I'm not looking for serious/living together type stuff, but I've had fun casual flings!

I've just turned 40, and have been dating again for the last year or so. I've had some lovely dates through OLD, and haven't had any bad experiences. I'm not looking for monogamy, so my experience will be slightly different, but as a whole I find it fun to dip in and out of and date on my own terms

Yeah I think that might be the thing, I definitely want something more serious

My mum met her now lovely husband at 60 online. Think the paid for ones are better. My nan met her second husband 30 years ago on a newspaper dating add. Never say never! 🤣

Sorry but the apps are dire. They are full of misogynistic men who either only want sex, are married, or are plain odd. Women are ditching them in their droves.

Please don't rush into something because of one woman's experience.

I think dating either in your 30's or your 40's has it's positives and negatives TBH.
I think you need to try OLD when you are in the right frame of mind - which has nothing to do with age. If you have an open minded approach to it it can be a fun experience. Someone above said treat it as a hobby? I think that's probably about right. It's a good vehicle for meeting all sorts of people who you wouldn't normally meet IRl. Bumble you can even use to meet new friends of the same sex if you want.

From my experience I dated in my 40's after a divorce. I had a very positive experience - met some interesting men and after a few dates here and there eventually met my long term partner. We have almost adult children and that's making things really difficult to move our relationship to actually moving in - as we have to consider all the children and what location they want to be in.

So I would say if eventually you think you might want to move in with someone - consider dating sooner rather than later - as younger children are a lot more adaptable (as long as you consider their needs etc obvs). You could be waiting until you're in your 50's or later if you wait for the kids to move out ;)