If dating past 40 is so terrible

[StrawberryCherry]

I read a post on here the other day that said dating past 40 was “pointless” which got me thinking. I’m mid 30s I was initially waiting till my children had grown up to start dating again but hearing that dating for women after 40 is “shit and pointless” before anyone says it isn’t this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. Would I be shooting myself in the foot? If dating after 40 is so horrendous would I be better off trying to meet someone now? It would be more difficult but I guess I could make it work

I’ve been single for 7 years so definitely not rushing. I don’t feel men irl are much better, my sister met 2 men irl and found out both of them were married.

I found myself single at 42 and managed to find myself the best and most financially secure man I had ever had. He was 27! 2.5 years later, we have a gorgeous 8 week baby and live in a beautiful house by the sea gifted to us by his parents. We are both self employed and work from home. He's become the best dad to my own daughter who was 3 when we hooked up. Never been happier. He's the mature one and I'm young at heart, so perfect for each other. He much prefers older women as he finds he has nothing in common with younger ones. Always been like that according to his mom. Love his family too.

I enjoyed it in my mind 40s. You have to wade through a lot of nonsense but I don't think that's age specific. It's way easier than trying to meet someone organically and I loved sitting in pyjamas with a glass of wine, swiping away and chatting. There can be numerous horror stories but you only need one person who is right.

@Game0fCrones their age, whether they had children, some were still married I found out afterwards, their jobs, reasons they were single. One of them weirdly told me his mother was dead (mine had died only a year before) for me to discover she was alive. Lots lied about their financial position etc. the list is pretty endless.

In the end I did what others also did and stopped taking it seriously.

It also appeared to me that a lot of women had their shit in order and most men I met didn't but I appreciate we only see one side of the equation!

@OldEarAche that's depressing. Seems nothing has changed since I last dated.

You’ll find a way or make one to make it work with right person. No harm looking and taking things very (very!) slowly. Good luck.

This is lovely

I’m afraid to say this is my personal experience too

But I’m also inspired by the positive stories on this thread

I bet you are very attractive...

Honestly, I sort of hated it and found it more pressurised than earlier years dating. Lots of avoidant men, people on apps just for chat seemingly (this I found infuriating) and problematic fellas. I think so much of it is timing - meeting someone when you're both ready. To give you some positive news, I did meet someone and do know people who've met and stayed together (all apps). They probably wouldn't be relationships I would flourish in but they seem happy enough.

I'm 47 but I realised recently, from friend's experiences, if anything happened to my husband I don't think I'd look for anyone else. It feels like you'd just get men wanting a place to live and someone to wait on them - I mean I'm sure there are exceptions but as I can manage on my own financially I wouldn't want another partner.

Plus I've known older people who have remarried and then the 'new' partner ends up with long term medical needs and it can create resentment for their biological family unless the newer partner's family can financially/physically step up.

I'm not too bad.

Lots of avoidant men

this 💯

Some people manage relationships with them, to be fair. Not me. I'm too impatient and can't be arsed to manage their needs if that makes sense. I need someone who can talk it out and also I like being supported emotionally.

Yes but these won’t be happy relationships

If you ask my single (childless) 30-40 year friends about dating, you will get the same answer that they have found it pretty terrible even when they were aged 30 since most single men they have met are not interested in commitment. This seems to get worse as more people get divorced in their 40s and revert to their bachelor lifestyles. Most of the positive experiences I have read about on here and elsewhere is about casual dating/flings and the like. Finding a serious relationship seems to be close to a miracle. The question is whether you want to invest time and effort into it at this stage of your life. Paloma Faith offers an interesting perspective of a 40-year old single mum on OLD -https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/aug/31/paloma-faith-single-mum-relationship-dating-apps

This.

The man who wanted to be pegged comes to mind. Also the gay man who forgot to photoshop out his male partner's hand from photo that was clearly taken of them having a romantic evening meal out in a restaurant whilst on a warm exotic holiday....so there's men specifically looking for baby carriers on there as well as all the other shit.

I agree with @barbarahunter in her approach. Personally I wouldn't do it if you're deeply emotionally invested in it.

I would be, so even though my fertility window is now coming to an end my late 30s, I've decided not to expose myself to all the weirdness, danger and plain deceit of the apps. I just don't need any more of it in my life.

Thank you for sharing this article
It makes me feel less alone in my experience

I honestly don’t mind trying apps, I’ve got a very thick skin and not bothered by dick pics (would just block) or ghosting. It’s very difficult to meet men otherwise as a single mum, I wouldn’t want men approaching me when out with my kids not that they do anyway and I don’t socialise much as a single mum without my kids, when I was younger pre children I would meet men in bars and clubs that isn’t an option now. Don’t want to meet a man through friends etc

I would say crack on now if you are open to it. But I know people who have had no issues in 40s…

I am 41 and been single a long time. I now feel I have missed the chance for children and a lasting relationship which makes me really sad. I have tried OLD on and off for several years but very rarely seem to connect with anyone. It's lovely to hear some of you have had positive experiences, which apps have you used?

Hilariously, after posting that I'd had no issues with the apps.... some idiot messaged me ON HERE asking if I'm interested!!

So the moral of the story is OLD fine, but Mumsnet attracts the weirdos 😂

@StrawberryCherry I massively disagree with this dating over 40s thing being terrible. I dated online on and off from the age of 35 to 51. I met all sorts, just as you would in real life. It is only as disastrous as you let it be. If you treat it with a sense of healthy realism (i.e. don't have daft notions about prince charming) and ensure that your own life is the best it can be for yourself because you are your own priority, then you lessen the chances of being sucked in by ropey people. Your priority should be doing what you want, when you want to and living your best life. If you are happy with yourself and what you are doing, you will attract other similar people.

I met plenty of decent human beings dating, most of whom I didn't have enough of a connection with to pursue a relationship. I also met flakey types and walking disasters, but I got really good at weeding them out if not before meeting, certainly after one coffee.

I met DP who I've been with now for nearly 4 years when I was 51. He is a good man and I am glad I have him in my life.

My friends in late thirties were looking for men to have children with. That’s the really big divide in dating and what cause them to probably do it in haste repent at leisure.

This exactly. I'm 55 and it has been absolutely fine tbh. Met some nice guys, also some sex pests and weirdos 😄 but because I wasn't invested, I was able to bin no harm and move on.