Husband behaviour in our marriage - WWYD?

[Jaggedoff]

Hello, I’m just curious for your thoughts on my husband’s behaviour towards me. I have gone through some challenging times with him during our nearly 20years. During our early years he was everything I wanted in a man - kind, caring, funny. He’s a good dad to our now teens in terms of providing, support, etc .

But now I feel disconnected from him and over the years our marriage has affected my mental and physical health. Perimenopause has made me more paranoid and like I’m loosing myself. I hardly go out or see the friends that remain, I throw myself into my work as I feel neglected by him in all ways, there is no sexual contact from him, occasional hugs. He was previously a binge drinker on spirits. Through treatment he’s now sober. I actually wish for those days as he is very emotionally distant from me.

In front of everyone he is kind, funny, loving. With just me, I get silences, huffs and puffs and told I’m the problem if I try to work on issues between us. Do men go through the change like us as women? I’m confused about my next steps? He’s had counselling and feels he’s changed, I don’t see it though! He doesn’t feel we need marriage counselling. He says he loves me but I don’t feel it is love. I saw posts on facebook that said as marriage evolves it becomes friendship but is mine like this? Sometimes we have nothing to talk about when we’re out together. I instigate the conversations and I get little acknowledgement unless it’s something that interests him. I’m in therapy myself and I always get the impression she thinks I should leave him. If I’m honest, I’m scared to as it’s not a pleasant world out there for an old woman like me!

Please help, any advice would be really appreciated.

So- he’s undergoing therapy, is fairly newly sober. You’re in peri menopause and also in therapy.

It sounds like a time of huge growth and transition for both of you.
Maybe it would be a good time to put in small habits which would benefit your relationship. Perhaps something fun, as it seems life has been pretty heavy for both of you

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. What is the point of you and he being together now?. He may be sober now but he will always be in recovery .

Never be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life. And stop thinking of yourself merely as an old woman!.

our marriage has affected my mental and physical health.

With just me, I get silences, huffs and puffs and told I’m the problem if I try to work on issues between us.

It's time to look after yourself. As someone who is leaving a 40yr relationship I can confirm my mental and physical health is improving rapidly month by month and the house isn't even sold yet. I cannot wait until I am totally free.

Think of it this way - can you do another thirty years until one of you dies?

Thank you all for your replies! @Pinkissmart I initiate fun things all and try to make suggestions to connect. When we do something it’s like pulling teeth when I try to talk, like he’s zoned out with anything to do with me. It’s really demoralising.

I feel like I can’t do this any longer but my confidence is shattered. It’s like I’m stuck, I try to leave or think about planning to split and he improves for a short while saying he is trying his best. It’s just I don’t see it at all. I’m fed up of moaning as my family do think I am a miserable old woman. I don’t think it’s just perimenopause though.

He has a way of being charming to others but not to me the way I want it to be. His therapist mentioned neurodivergence but also my therapist mentioned he seems to have traits of narcissism!?! Confusing and also I don’t think these labels help as he never seems to change. I have tried in myself to do nice stuff for myself but I end up feeling incredibly lonely and sad as he never asks nor wants to be involved.

Today I’ve had grunts and not much chat. It’s painful hence me wandering if he is going through some sort of mid life transition. With his drinking, he revealed during his recovery that he’d been binge drinking since his university years. I felt quite upset as he never told me this, it’s only in the later years it got worse. He is not a good time drinker who needed to be around others. More like used a sedative, he just scrolls on his phone nowadays looking at goodness knows what.

You have been married to an abusive alcoholic for your whole marriage.

Of course it has affected you.
Forget about him and focus on getting out.

Your marriage is dead and over.
Leave that nasty narcissist and focus on your future.

I never ever thought of it that way…so you think this is abusive? I try and gaslight myself that it’s not as he acts vulnerable when I finally say I can’t do it any longer. The therapist comment he might be neurodivergent, made me feel guilty. Currently I am in the silent treatment phase of his behaviour, it starts like it is now and then I get the desperate, tearful pleas he will change, he loves me, etc. I just can’t see what his idea of love is, as it doesn’t feel like it used to. Like it’s evolved into friendship and a strange one at that as I don’t feel the benefits other than feeling miserable and sad.

Gaslight yourself? That’s not what gaslighting means.

Yes you are in a long term abusive relationship.

He manipulates you when you try to leave.
So what if he is ND, he is abusive.

No doubt he will threaten self harm or suicide if you tell him it is over.

Its what abusive men do.

Its over.
Stop thinking about him.
Focus on planning on leaving.
Get legal advice.
Tell family and friends who you trust.

Don't waste any more years with him.

Can you book into a hotel for a few days?
Visit family?
Pack a bag and leave this prick.
Leave him to himself.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
No laundry, shopping, cooking.
Its over.

He’s made me feel that way and accused me of gaslighting him😖

Ok, I have to get my big girl pants on. I’m so afraid of doing this.

Sounds like he's checked out of the marriage but he's too lazy to end it. Life is too short to live like this OP and he's manipulating you by getting tearful and pleading for you to stay. He's not willing to make any substantial effort to improve things by the sound of it.

I was married to someone like this. I'd get silent treatment, sulks, grunts, no conversation. He became more abusive as time went on. To the outside world he was Mr Wonderful. He died this year and his funeral could have been for a stranger because everyone was saying what a wonderful person he was, lovely family man etc. he most certainly wasn't.

Do yourself a favour and end things. Don't be caught out with his emotional manipulation. You're never too old to move on, and you may find that once you've spent some time alone and looking after your own needs, your confidence will grow and socialising will be fun again. It's either that or stay with him and continue to be miserable. Only you can choose.

I have left my marriage after 40 years and what you describe sounds very familiar.

How long do you feel you have been unhappy for?

It is good that you are seeing a therapist. My therapy helped me see how manipulative and controlling my ex was in spite of him appearing so lovely to everybody else. It helped me decide to leave.

Leaving a marriage is very very difficult. It sounds as if you are just rubbing along and are not in crisis yet. I thought I could endure my ex’s behaviour, until I couldn’t.

My advice - Keep trying at the marriage, AND AT the same time look very seriously at the nuts and bolts of divorce.

Knowledge is power so find out (family solicitor/Wikivorce) what the procedure is and what your financial situation will be. Find out and have copies of all your joint/your/his assets and worth. (I didn’t and I know my ex hid/undervalued his assets).

The only way to be able to achieve change in the marriage is when you know leaving is a viable option. Ie “I want marriage counselling or I leave.” If you ask for changes before you are ready to divorce then you don’t really have any leverage to make him see how serious you are - and any change in him will only be temporary.

If deep down he still cares for you, then he should be willing to work to save a marriage. If you still care, then you will also need to look very critically at your self as well.

Best of luck.

I am now living in my own little rental (I have enough to buy something soon), and enough monthly income to live OK on. I’m still rebuilding my life and there’s still a lot to do and it’s not so easy as I’m now retired. But this is so much better than living with someone who in reality had ceased to care for me.

I would put money on it he is not neurodivergent either. I doubt if his therapist said any such thing actually . And even if he was it’s no excuse for how he had and continues to treat you. You really do not want to spend the rest of your days with your alcoholic abuser.

I really appreciate all your responses. I’m totally overwhelmed and after just talking to my parents, despite them knowing his behaviour, have once again defended him and told me I’d be ridiculous for considering leaving. Apparently I would destroy my own life and my childrens if I take this self destructive path to leave him. That is also why I’m afraid as I have no one validating me other than my therapist.

I’m not finding the silent treatment from him nor the barrage of criticism from parents helpful for my mind today. It’s helpful writing on here as I feel alone.

I really resonate with your words @Imgoingtobefree , I’ll try and do this but today it’s feels hard battle when no one in RL is in your corner and they think I am the crazy one.

He's pleasant enough to everyone except you. That proves his behaviour is deliberate, because he can control his nastiness when he's with other people.

You are fundamentally unhappy, and that alone is enough to call it a day.

Whether or not he's neurodivergent is irrelevant. You don't have to put up with it.

One of the problems you have is that men like this have a lot of energy performing for outsiders and they don’t bother keeping up the pretense in private. So its easy for them to give the appearance of a great husband, father, all round good fellow to the very people (friends, family, police, therapists) to whom you go for support. While at the same time, in private with you, they are emotionally distant, manipulative, cold, abusive, and punishing.

Look up “cycle of abuse”online and see how it fits your marriage? The promises to do better, the silent treatment, all are just part of the cycle of abuse which enables this cold man to keep you tied to him. Sometimes you fear the consequences of keaving, sometimes you are hopeful for change, sometimes you feel guilty (ate made to feel guilty) as though misery is your just desert or the irdinary state if affairs.

Drunk or not drunk, ND or NT really doesn’t matter.

“What will you do with your
one wild and precious life?”

That is the only question.

Thank you, so there are men types who behave like this? Again this is making me feel like I’m not going mad, I feel I have been excusing his behaviour. I’m not perfect but I don’t deserve this treatment from him. Despite what others say about him, ie my parents

Fuck your parents. Nothing to do with them. Mine were like that, telling me to stay even though he had an affair. Parents are more concerned about how things “will look”

In life, if you keep doing the same things then you will keep getting the same results.

The menopause isn't just a lot of unpleasant symptoms, it actually peels away the oestrogen rosy glasses from your eyes. For the first time you can actually see very very clearly.
It was only when I got to menopause that I actually saw how abusive my 20 year marriage was and would no longer stand for it. I live on my own now very happily and so can you.
You just need to sort it out in your own head, make a list of leaving versus staying. If leaving wins decide how you will do it.
Take guilt out of it, there is no reason for you to feel guilty. He almost certainly feels no guilt for how he treats you.
You can live an extremely happy and productive life on your own later in life, I'm 62 and very happy indeed.

@Jaggedoff Yes bog standard. Yes there are many men—and some women—who act like this. Google Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That” —famous book on the subject as well as a free website to help you identify and leave your abuser.

So there is
a. your own issues eg peri, self worth
b. His own issues eg sobriety (How newly sober is he?)
c. Then the marriage issues eg lack of sex and intimacy, lack of communication, emotional distance

If it were me I would focus on myself first when I am in a better place mentally I would reassess the relationship.

You said you preferred when he was drinking, please don't say this to him though I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
He had been coping with life by drinking and numbing away be now has all life's problems and emotions on full blast volume and doesn't have his emotional crutch, it's new for him to deal with everythi g without the numbing escape. Your hormonal changes are a huge shift for you, too. Your kids are in a needy stage of their lives. It's a lot.
It's always easier to put a mask on at work or with others because there is a space between us and we see them for limited times in limited context of course they get to see a different version. People need and do separate their private life from outside facade and that's probably why he can be a good provider for you. At home he probably just zonked out with no energy left. Early sobriety is exhausting but Post Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) can last years.

Focus on yourself your own health, your friendships, your interests and hobbies. Your husband also needs to focus on his sobriety as number 1. If you don't already, join a support group like Alanon or Smart Recovery friends and family.

I'm in a 20+ year marriage. To date, DH has never given me the silent treatment. He doesn't grunt at me. Still sexually active. Same with other people as he is without them. Spoils me often.

My father was abusive, though, and did all of the above. The lack of confidence, the inability to see clearly where the problem lies, him throwing wobblies when he thinks you might end it and promising changes that never happen are all signs of abuse.

I would never say this to him as that would be cruel. I have frustrations and resentment but never enough to destabilise his recovery. I wish he would return to me the energy and love I have given him throughout our marriage. I’m realising I have continually adapted and accommodated for him to the detriment of my own health.

i appreciate your perspective. After 20 years I long for sexual connection like yours but I don’t get anything. Alcohol has always been the issue but I’ve been blamed for his inability to perform.

I noticed you said you were still sexually active as I’ve resigned myself after reading about long term marriages that don’t stay passionate like the early days. And that if I stay with him it will be a friendship as he never initiates at all.

I am in a 30 year marriage, together 34, we are still romantically and sexually happy and attuned with one another. Never given me the silent treatment, never cruel or indifferent. In fact I am unexpectedly having a scary health issue this month (basically:cancer) and he is still wonderful.

Marriages are either like cheese or wine: over time they either ripen or rot. A good marriage is like a great wine: it gets better over time.

The mistake people make is accepting something substandard as normal: he drank and blamed you? You should have dumped this self pitying sack of shit by the side of the road. How does that rotten cheese ever become delicious again? It can’t.