Husband behaviour in our marriage - WWYD?

[Jaggedoff]

Hello, I’m just curious for your thoughts on my husband’s behaviour towards me. I have gone through some challenging times with him during our nearly 20years. During our early years he was everything I wanted in a man - kind, caring, funny. He’s a good dad to our now teens in terms of providing, support, etc .

But now I feel disconnected from him and over the years our marriage has affected my mental and physical health. Perimenopause has made me more paranoid and like I’m loosing myself. I hardly go out or see the friends that remain, I throw myself into my work as I feel neglected by him in all ways, there is no sexual contact from him, occasional hugs. He was previously a binge drinker on spirits. Through treatment he’s now sober. I actually wish for those days as he is very emotionally distant from me.

In front of everyone he is kind, funny, loving. With just me, I get silences, huffs and puffs and told I’m the problem if I try to work on issues between us. Do men go through the change like us as women? I’m confused about my next steps? He’s had counselling and feels he’s changed, I don’t see it though! He doesn’t feel we need marriage counselling. He says he loves me but I don’t feel it is love. I saw posts on facebook that said as marriage evolves it becomes friendship but is mine like this? Sometimes we have nothing to talk about when we’re out together. I instigate the conversations and I get little acknowledgement unless it’s something that interests him. I’m in therapy myself and I always get the impression she thinks I should leave him. If I’m honest, I’m scared to as it’s not a pleasant world out there for an old woman like me!

Please help, any advice would be really appreciated.

I agree with the above.
He has mistreated you all along. Right now, he's already checked out of the marriage emotionally but is keeping you hanging around.

Your parents are not married to him and they’re more concerned about what their neighbours will think, they do not have your interests at heart. Also they’re not married to him , you are and you’ve propped him up and have otherwise enabled him your entire marriage. Put yourself first now. And no your kids will not be destroyed either but they certainly will continue to be harmed if you remain with him.

You have a choice re this man , your dc do not. Read also about codependency and sees how much of this fits in with your own behaviour.

Your parents are ridiculous saying you'd "destroy" your life and your children's if you left. What do they think this "destruction" would look like? They don't live with him and he doesn't subject them to nasty treatment as he does you.
I bet he's all sweetness to them and other family members, like my father was. My father was aggressive, shouty, irrational and threatening to his wife and kids, and everyone else thought he was a saint, because he put on an Oscar worthy performance in front of them.

My mum was guilt tripped into staying "for the children" even though we were miserable as hell. When she finally divorced him, we wished she'd done it years sooner. The atmosphere in the house was constantly miserable and tense. Even low level grumpiness ruins the atmosphere.

PS please stop calling yourself an old woman. You're only in perimenopause, you can't be an elderly person. I bet your H has destroyed your self esteem and that's why you think of yourself this way.
Blaming his lack of sexual interest on you is appalling and cruel. Years of excessive alcohol would do that, plus being a miserable grunting grump isn't likely to have helped his libido.

Dear OP, I totally agree with the posters who say not to listen to your parents in this case. While our parents should be our best advocates, unfortunately, that generation has been raised to see marriage as the ultimate goal in life that needs to be preserved at any cost. While you have your own problems, your husband is making you feel worse. It does not matter if he does it on purpose or not, bottom line is, you are not happy and should seek the way out.

To be honest, my therapist helped me see things as they are and yours seems to be confusing you a little. I would switch therapist, as they definitely can be very important in the whole process of separating (mine was for me). Good luck OP.

@Jaggedoff I was in the same confused place as you. If the man I married was so charming, helpful, kind, considerate, funny and patient with others then surely I must be doing something wrong since he wasn't any of that with me. I tried to change my approach, I asked, I begged, i pleaded, I spoke plainly, I bargained and compromised, I waited until he had slept, or eaten, or watched his favourite programme. I changed my tone, my attitude, everything, because surely he wouldn't be so cruel as to deliberately hide that lovely side from me.

But he was cruel. And there are hundreds of these men out there. There is a saying that is very apt "You never know what goes on behind closed doors" and it's obvious your parents don't know or see the real him. Get out, and live a happier, better life.

Please don’t let your parents guilt trip you. It’s your life abd they need to be more supportive. Your marriage is a living hell and you need to leave. Life is too short for this ceap