What is reasonable regarding in laws staying

[Wisteria1989]

My husband is not from the UK, we have been together 10 years and lived in a 1 bedroom flat before, moved to a small 2 bedroom house within the past year. His sister booked flights to come here on Xmas eve without checking first, her and her 2 kids are staying 11 days.

I’ve tried to be a good host and make the best of it, managed to cook a massive xmas dinner all by myself for 8 of us, as I had already invited 3 people before she booked her flights. We are in a dilemma of different opinions and I think it is a clash of cultures. He says that in his family view/opinion they can just invite themselves here/book a flight whenever they want without discussing it first. If we asked them to check with us first, or it wasn’t suitable for whatever reason, it would look like we didn’t care and didn’t want them here.

I know his parents want to come here too, probably within the next month. I actually don’t mind having people here (although they don’t speak English so it’s obviously a bit awkward) but out of respect I have said that a conversation needs to be had first, to check it is a convenient time to visit, that I am okay with it. After all I would ask my husband if he was okay with my family staying. It’s not about asking permission it’s just common courtesy.

I think this is going to happen again and again, unless he says something. I feel like I'm the guest in my own house, they've completely taken over. The children are so badly behaved but I can’t say much as they can’t understand me. He is trying his best, the kids are stressing us both out as their Mum doesn’t discipline them at all. He is just as stressed as me, but he can’t say anything as she will then think he doesn’t want them here. This all sounds so toxic, just booking flights without checking and imposing yourself and your badly behaved kids on people. I would never do that to anyone I cared about.

Really struggling with what next steps to take, we don’t have kids yet but are trying to get pregnant too. I can’t imagine having a baby myself and them just showing up and taking over our house when they feel like it. I feel like I am the guest in my own house. His family doesn’t see it like that though and make themselves right at home. I think it’s just differences in opinion, I don’t know what to do next time one of his family members decides they want to come, as I have just had enough now.

I will say, I'm quite close with his Brother and Wife who live 20 mins from us. It seems the family who don’t live in the UK are the issue. They didn’t stay at the Brothers house, as she stayed there last time and I think she wanted to come here as it’s our new house and she wanted to see it… we have spent so much money preparing the house for them, had to buy all the furniture too just before xmas. We hadn’t bought everything when we first moved in as it is obviously expensive. Had no choice now though as we had no spare bed in the other room - also bigger dining table and chairs too, for all 8 of us on xmas day plus xmas pressies for our extra guests.

Am I being mean or can people understand that I feel my husband is allowing them to dictate stuff to us. He feels like he can’t ever say no to his family. It’s going to be the same shit when his parents visit too. FYI my family have never stayed with us, but to be fair they all live in England so I understand his family must miss each other and will want to visit. Visiting I can put up with, but a bit of respect would be nice.

Similar happened to us a long time ago and it almost ended my marriage.
We lived a 12hr drive from all family and PIL would book MIL a flight for every school holiday, every single one, for a minimum of 4 nights - where she needed collected from the airport and returned. Not a care if we had social plans etc. We came home to see all family 2 times a year plus I have parents and then grandparents, we both had siblings etc.
It came to a head when we were booked to go away for a weekend with the DC and she called to announce her and FIL were coming to stay as he had purchased sports tickets for somewhere enroute so would watch that on the Thursday night then with us Friday-Monday. We said unfortunately we won’t be there as off to visit X and they threw their toys out of the pram, we should reschedule, they had booked flights and a train! We stuck to our plans as it was our tenth wedding anniversary and DH finally said enough enough!

It may be a thing in their culture not to say anything if family turn up without checking first but it's not normal for your culture. I think they should respect your culture.

Maybe check with the brother if it's really a thing too or just their family

Dont get pregnant until your happy this is sorted

It’s the height of rudeness for your sister to invite herself and her kids over to your home without even checking whether it’s ok with you beforehand. If they cannot afford to stay in a hotel then they should not have visited. This had nothing to do with culture and his sister and kids are just acting entitled.

If your h is unable to say no start saying no to them yourself otherwise you will be running an unprofitable b and b for ungrateful people all year round.

And tell his sister and kids to leave today as well. They should not be in your home. Where they go is not your concern.

Never have these people in your home again because they are all take take take and no give.

You have a husband problem.
Look at separation if he will not respect you.
Your house is not a hotel for his family.
Do not have children with a man who doesn't respect you nor have your back.
They think you are a mug.

In the face of such ignorance and ill manners I would leave your dh to cope with his rude family. I'd take the dcs and visit my family or rent a holiday cottage, and only come back when they had left for the airport.

I suspect your dh might grow a backbone.

I understand that it’s their culture but it’s not your culture or the country you live in. Therefore, that must be respected. If I went to another country I would respect that countries culture and not want to do anything perceived to be rude or unacceptable. If your husband won’t do it, you need to explain to his family that it’s is not culturally acceptable to turn up unannounced without checking first with the host. If they don’t like it, tough. It’s your house and they have to respect your rules. I wouldn’t be having children with this man because I can already tell he will prioritise his family over you and your child together. Also, think how interfering they might be in your child’s life and how you raise your child. Put a wait on it and see how he stacks up in terms of backing you over his family first. If he can’t do it now, he never will and you don’t want to bring children into that scenario.

My husband is from a completely different culture to me and his family have similar expectations. However, he would never allow them to just dictate when they are visiting us or expect us to host them without checking its convenient with me first. Its rude.

Marriage is a partnership- it isnt just about his family getting whatever they want and everyone else having to just deal with it. Thats not a partnership. Your feelings matter too and it's your home too. You need to talk to him about this and set expectations NOW before you have a child because if this isnt nipped in the bud life will be very difficult going forward and it could end up causing you to break up.

Absolutely. Why in earth are you expected to ceed all ground?! He needs to have a discussion with them about the cultural differences and that their behaviour isn't going to fly anymore. They're not silly they know you're from a different culture and that people probably do things differently in different parts of the world.

If he's too spineless to do that then you've got MUCH bigger issues at hand.

If you have children together prepare to have your wishes skated over in favour of their cultural practices 🙄

My DH comes from a culture where friends/family just show up behind your door and when they come to stay you cannot ask them for how long as it's considered rude. But he would never let anybody disrespect our home or me, and I just need to tell him if something is bothering me/wrong and he will deal with it. I think you need to tell your DH that enough is enough and he needs to sort out his sister and her kids or you will.

This. I'd be avoiding sex or using multiple forms of contraception and the morning after pill indefinitely.

In fact, this scenario would put me totally off sex.

They don't respect you; you are nothing but a skivvy.

That's right! No need for communication, just low-key deny him sex. The well-known instant fix to any and all marital problems!

Don't do this@Wisteria1989 . Your marriage will not last if you so this. Obviously there is a culture clash. Use a more softly softly approach. You should endure this trip then your husband should tell them they have to discuss it next time thwy want to come down. He needs to talk to his parents about their plans now as well.

I agree 💯. Do not have children until this is sorted. Thing is once you have children men tend to be more traditional the way they were raised . Rethink everything about your marriage. You need to have very indepth conversations with your husband about how things are going to be going forward

But why should she not respect his culture?

These are the sort of things that need talking through before a decision to marry.

It's not rude if it's a cultural norm in his family culture.

It's not rude if it's a cultural norm in her family culture 🤷‍♀️

Unfortunately these are the sort of things that you cannot foresee before marriage because the way you do things is taken for granted in your own culture. It it's a learning curve.

I think here, her right not to have people randomly staying in her house with no notice, no permission sought and no end date given trumps somebody else's cultural idea that if you don't let this happen you are disrespectful?

Stop using culture as an excuse for such rudeness. Not all people from that part of the world are so grabby or act so entitled.

The problem also is that ops husband feels unable to say no to his family. This is also why such awful behaviour happens. He is a wet lettuce when it comes to them so he will never be able to say no to them.

I've been in a multicultural relationship with similar expectations as well, so I feel for your situation!

But, the reality of the situation is that your husband is unwilling or unable at this moment to say no to his family. He may very well have his reasons to. I know how much of a shitstorm my ex would have received if he had said no to anyone in his family. And with all the empathy in the world for how hard it must be to come from a culture or family where personal boundaries are non-existant, that doesn't have to be your life.
I think you need to be clear in voicing your expectations to him. Learning to say no to his family isn't optional. It's a condition for your relationship to survive. If he doesn't see this is the path forward, then I doubt you should be continuing this relationship, let alone have children with this man. Mind you, this kind of behaviour from family only gets worse, much much worse, after you've had a child into the family.

Thank you, I had a long chat with him today and told him this word for word. I got everything off my chest, and we talked about future visitors. Hopefully he keeps his word. Genuinely feel so much better now after all of your responses. At least I know I am not being unreasonable. The funny thing is im usually really welcoming and have tried harder than most to fit in with his family, even with the language barriers. This visit at Christmas to our house has totally changed me and my feelings towards it. I think because we now have our own house they are just inviting themselves, we will see what boundaries are put in place with the Mum and Dad.

He may well agree with you wisteria but actions speak louder than words. He could well be unable to say no yo mum and dad as well, particularly his mum. How long will they stay for?. Will they be expected to be waited on or otherwise entertained by you or ferried about?. Can they speak English?. He probably seeks their approval as well, not that they’d give this to him.

You will end up running a small and unprofitable b and b for most of the year if you cannot say no. I would also think that many other people who reside in their country do not act do entitled but there are similarly entitled people no matter which continent you live on.

So his reaction to me bringing up issues like this is always the same. He understands where I am coming from, but theres not much he can do as he can’t not have them here. I mentioned about him going to see them instead once a year? Flights aren’t that expensive if you don’t go in the height of summer. It all comes down to him not being able to say no. If they want to visit, he can’t say no as he thinks they will then think we are rude and don’t care. I said so what, let them think that? I’m English and I don’t want visitors coming here who I can’t communicate with, you knew this when you married me.

I said to him I don’t mind the other family members visiting (even with their kids) I know they live far away and miss each-other and I have a better relationship with them as they all speak English. They do still speak in their language mostly which is annoying as I have no clue what they are talking about, but at least I know we can chat to each-other and if the kids are misbehaving or upset I can speak with them too. One of his sisters (the one who is here now) and his parents do not speak any English and neither do her kids, the issue is she is so different from me, I really don’t like her after this visit as she has been so disrespectful in my opinion. Her kids a so badly behaved and she just sits on her phone doing nothing. Husband has started telling them off, if it gets really bad or really loud (I am thinking of my neighbours) I will say something too.

This is where it becomes uncomfortable for me in my own house. His parents would like to stay for ages too, probably at least 3 weeks, maybe a month. They are so bored so I do feel for them, they want to see their son. His Mum is like his sister, she will take over the house, the kitchen, he's asked her nicely about 6 times not to touch my stuff but she won’t listen.

I did say yesterday can you not have your parents here? Simply because of the language barrier, it’s really uncomfortable for me. He seemed upset about that, I gave in and said it’s fine, but please speak to your Mum before and let her know a few things because otherwise she will really irritate me. I’ve also offered to go and stay at my friends house, problem is I work full time and we live 1 hour away from my family, and I’ve got no annual leave left. My family never impose themselves on us, and even if they did I wouldn’t let them, secondly they can all communicate with my husband. I don’t have a problem hosting his other family but the few who can’t speak English are the issue for me.

Good grief. Get out, it'll only get worse.