My baby's father is making my life hell

[TheOliveMoose]

I've posted about this a few times on here under different names

Long story short me & babys father split when baby was 4 months old. She is 11 months now.

Back in July/August I phoned police on babys father for harrasing me. He ended up getting charged with harrasment & stalking. He had a fine and probation. I was offered no protection.

Due to me not being offered a restraining order I continued co parenting with him. He has the baby about 3 times a week for about 6-8 hours a time.

Lately he's started to act how he acted back in July/August. Questioning me on things.(where and what I did on the weekend, Who certain men are on my friends list on facebook, if im seeing/speaking to anyone etc) Hes asking things that are nothing to do with him, or about the baby.

I've told him a few times in the last few weeks that I don't love him, don't want him, the relationship is over and done with, and I'm making it chrystal clear!

All I'm getting back is comments like "but you laughed at my joke when I dropped the baby home the other night" or "you wrote goodnight on one of your texts to me the other day".. he's really clinging on to anything that I do or say, and claiming that I do infact still want him even tho I'm TELLING him I don't.

Today I've recieved 80 messages off of him, ones declaring his love for me, ones begging me not to move on, ones telling me he's going to change etc.

I'm at a point where it's really effecting my mental health now, and once the Xmas holidays are over I'm going to book a Dr's appointment to talk about my mental health. Usually him and his noncence makes me really angry. Today I feel drained, I've broke down in tears because I really don't know what to do any more.

He also messages quite threatening things every now and then, telling me "I'll never let you move on" "you'll never have another baby with anyone else"

I'm at a point where I physically cannot co parent with this person anymore. It's breaking me.

I'm so scared that if i stopped contact with him and it did go to court I'd still get made to still co parent with him

I don't know what to do anymore I really am at rock bottom now, I'm emotionally drained, this isn't even a question I just needed to let it out

@TheOliveMoose get your number changed and also buy another sim for which the number will be given to the dad and put it in an old phone. tell him the phone will only be switched on the days he has the baby. do not give your new number to anyone who is likely to pass it on to your ex!

Sorry OP, it was late when I replied last night so my reply was very short. Men that makes threats like this can be very dangerous people, both to you and DC. If you don't have anyone to oversee contact, insist on a contact centre. And ask your solicitor to apply for a non molestation order.

OP I've replied already. But you are the poster who posted about the abusive ex who was trying to move in and your co parenting hell. I felt desperately sorry for you because I know how you feel. You just want it to stop. But it is going to. Until YOU make it by taking proper action.

Please understand that the sister is rightly frustrated because she is expected to be the neutral handover person on one hand. But then at other times- you both were having family days out. So to be fair to her she is seeing her brother be arrested for harassment and the next time- when things are more calm- he's in your home doing bath times and days out. Come on now and be real.

No normal person would decline to step in to help a mother who is dealing with a violent man. But if that mother is not taking it seriously and is being wishy washy then there is a sense of frustraton and indifference.

This is not to have a go, this is asking you to be honest with yourself and check your patterns of behaviour too. Why is this crazy guy still in your life acting crazy because this crazy guy doesn't fear consequences because there are none.

Then stop! Stop trying to be rational and logical with a violent mad man, who just happened to be the father of your child.

Why should he be logical and change- as nothing he does is an issue in the long term.You get indignant and frustrated when the madness happens and then the moment it's calm you'll back doing the crazy with him. He knows this. He knows to bide his time. He thinks it's what we do."

You may not be doing it willingly, but you're not being forced to engage with him. The police can only do so much. Social services can only do so much ( if it gets to that point and I hope it doesn't).

You have to really take this seriously now and become so determined that this can not be your living hell any more. You owe it to yourself and your daughter. I know it's hard- trust me- but you're not as stuck as you think and feel.

You've had some good advise on this thread

you know your being wishy washy and it doesn't work - do read up on the grey rock in pp - it will up the anti for a while but he will soon realise you're not going to break - as long as you stick to it.

Please don’t send this. It’s an idle threat. You need to go straight back to the police, and do not engage with him at all. If you are still ok with him seeing his DC, then ask a trusted person to be the go between.

I agree with you. But I remember OP previous threads regarding this. This is an idle threat. But he had previously sent her 200 messages in a day. Had he been blocked then and stayed blocked or better still, her number changed- then the 80 messages couldn't happen.

Move onto a parent app that is court approved.

No other communication apart from collection and return times.

If that doesn't change things then stop contact and it will have to go via the courts. You book mediation but they will sign it off as he abusing you.

There is no point attempting to be nice. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. You could let him back into your life and he would still complain contantly that you aren't doing enough. The trick, and it is a trick because it's not easy, is to stop expecting him to act like a rational person - he is NOT a rational person. So, there is no compromise, or meeting in the middle with this man.

Oh, and yes, he will absolutely accuse you of all kinds of things. But ignore that!!!

Exactly. 80+ messages is clearly harassment.

You cannot be too nice about this. He’s a nutter with previous for stalking and needs to be told that he has to stop harassing you. He experiences a whole other reality in which anything you do or say to him, everything you do, he chooses to view as affectionate because it fits his needs, rather than you just trying to be civil for your baby’s sake.

Incidentally I would bet he’s far more bothered about you than he is about your child - the child is mainly a reason to stay in touch (control of) with you. Once you understand how nutty his mindset and behaviour is, hopefully you can get help from police, courts, your family?, or all of them with putting a stop to it. Keep your evidence of his behaviour and show it to the police.

Use a co parenting app which legally logs all the messages

OP, I want to give you an example of similar from SIL.

So, he will regularly tell her he won't see their DC becuase she has done X or because he has no money (he wants her to subsidise him) or because last time he saw them they were not nice to him. This is about attempting to controla nd upset her. It works. So then she tries to get rational. She sends him messages explaining that the children don't deserve to be punished for his issues with her, or she tells him that he doesdn't have to spend money but could take them to the park to play football or she tries to remind him that they are young and he is the adult and he needs to take respponsibility for building a relationship with them. Her messages are agonised over and she does her best to say nothing that is not kind and, to a rational person, reasonable.

At best, he ignores her. At worst, he comes back with vile accusations about her (made up) behaviour (to justify his behaviour), or whingey emails about how he has no money and she doesn't understand or aggressive messages about how she has poisoned the children against him. Then she gets upset, she responds with something more angry.... and then he either ignores her or sends her a stream of messages.

But.... when she finally went ot the police, NONE of that was anything they could action. She had sympathetic police officers visit her, but it doesn't cross the official boundary to abuse or harassment. However, there were other behaviours that they did jump on as being problematic. In your case, you have had those and he was questioned so you have to really work hard to not open any doors he can use to slip through. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

Bit of an update, I been in touch with womans aid and the have passed me onto a solicitor. I haven't rung solicitor yet but last from womans aid seems to think I can tell court I no longer want to co parent with him and refuse to use a middle man as we tried that with family members which didn't work. And she seems to think he will have to arrange a contact center and pay for it himself

Not sure if that's 100% hopefully it is as easy as that. I'm going to ring them when my baby's gone to sleep

Also thankyou to alot of the answers. I have gathered now I'm being very wishy washy as alot of you have said. I guess I've just tried my best to keep the peace.

But with him there will never be peace!

This is the thing you have to learn and accept. Well done for taking the first steps to doing that. You probably aren't there yet, but I've seen women on MN who have got past the emotional impact of these men who can actively laugh at their behaviours now - there was a glorious thread on this before Christmas with some absolutely wonderful comments!

DH and I (who obviously were less emotionally invested so it was easier for us) definitely got through some of the worst times by laughing at his crazy.

Move all communications with him to a parenting app and change your number

@TheOliveMoose I've been in this situation. Police did absolutely nothing for me other than arrest, put bail conditions in place and remove them without telling me. In the space of a year I had made 67 reports to police about stalking, harrassment, my home being broken into and friends being assaulted because he saw with me.

A DV charity I was doing the freedom programme with, told me to contact NCDV asap, I rang them and had a non mol put in place within 3 weeks. It was with notice, so I had to go to court but it was dealed with and order made within an hour. It was the best £150 I have paid in my life (contribution to fees were needed due to my bank account being just over the full legal aid threshold).

Contact them and they can help you, also please stop engaging with him, do not respond and stop contact with the DC unless it can be done in a safe way. Someone correct me if im wrong, but if it is unsafe, he does not need to have contact unless a court orders it, regardless of PR.

Would you class it as unsafe is I'm willingly handing the baby over to him when he's basically abusing me? Even if he's not a threat to the baby

And thankyou for that info, I'm going to do abit of goggling now

But yes I agree police have been useless.. but I guess in my situation I technically was engaging in conversation with him. Even tho I still see 100 texts a day when it's not even his day to have the baby as harrasment

@Soontobe60 It isn't an idle anything. It's summing up the situation in a reasoned way that can be used if and when she needs to apply for an injunction. OP has already said the police won't do anything, so it may be that her only recourse will be through the civil courts, unless he actually threatens her in a message.

Yes I would say it as unsafe. Whilst the abuse isn't directed at your baby or affecting them at the moment, they are still witnessing the exchange and how it is affecting you. They may not understand yet but they are getting to an age where they will. You have to ask yourself if you really want your baby growing up thinking this is normal? What if they start copying him? How will they know that this behaviour is not acceptable?

Also yes in my experience too, apparently the second you respond or engage with back, it no longer classes as harassment. It doesn't matter how many messages or calls you recieve, if you engage even once, regardless of context, they won't help. I'd likely still be getting stalked and harassed now if I hadn't took matters into my own hands. So I'd advise, do not engage at all, no texts, don't answer calls, don't meet him, nothing. Not even if its about the baby.

I had to fight for an attempted burglary and assault charge when mine kicked my door in and assaulted a friends partner who was in my house, the police tried to minimise it as criminal damage and common assault because he was a perpetrator "known to me". Its annoying because if these men were randoms off the street, they would likely be sent to jail but because you've had a relationship with them then it's somehow disregarded. I never really understand that viewpoint.

*Edited to add the bit in bold

I wouldn't be handing my baby over to him at all. Let him take you to court if he wants to see his child.

A bit of an update. Today I've been on the phone with a solicitor, I've already sent bank statements over so she can help me get a non mol order.

Then she said our next step can be child arrangements order.. which i personally think he should be sorting out, as once I have the non mol, I won't even be expected to contact/socialise with him

The only bad thing solicitor said was in court they might try and use against me the fact that I have been doing the hand overs with him up until now, so might not look good on my part

But I suppose I have to put an end to it at some point

They really are useless in some situations!

Yes the police are useless after a while. But it never starts off like that.

The first call out- they're serious, take statements and signpost for support.

The second and third calls- they're still serious, but take slightly longer to turn up.

By the 4th, 5th, 6th etc times- they don't even turn up anymore.

Does it make it right- no.

This was my life and I put in police and MP complaints. I was reporting crimes of extreme post separation abuse and they hadn't even been out to investigate for a crime that had just happened the day before. I realized then and there- nothing more could be done to help me. My case was extreme to the point that I moved into a refuge and a MARAC meeting was held, after the fact ( this is unusual).

I saw the danger, knew the danger, lived the danger and yet it still didn't feel dangerous enough to leave our lovely home. But my home was just a well decorated prison. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

My final motivation and it's not to scare you but it's to keep it real, was seeing my sister's coffin and all of a sudden, I was looking at death in it's physical form. Social services, restraining orders, panic alarms years prior, didn't matter any more. I just remember thinking that "I'm not going out like that, I'm not going to tolerate all this and lose my life, at the hands of this loser."

I am free and I know peace- that I love and I crave simplicity. I refuse to have any stress in our lives. So I KNOW how different your lives could be, if you could just give yourself a chance.

You deserve to be happy, joy, focused upon being the best mother you can be! Let your new fight be sorting out a new home, job, healing. Don't continue to let him be your fight.

We have a lovely new home, garden, new friends, schools, goals and jobs. My body is finally, not so tense all the time. It's not been easy, it's emotionally draining, but I prefer to be drained by healing, then by some abusive loser.

You've got this!!!!! xx

Also just to add on. My children have nothing to do with their father. Does it make it right- no. But until they are of a physical age, that they can make their own decisions to seek him out- then so be it.

If I wouldn't hand over my children to a volatile, dangerous person on the street, who has caused me nothing but harm. Why would I hand them over to their dad- who has the capacity to cause me extreme harm, by harming them. That's not to say that the general consensus, but the potential is always there. I don't put anything, past anyone especially controlling emotionally immature "men."

To me abusers are no different to child abusers. You can't love your child, but abuse their mother.