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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband anger on his birthday

65 replies

JaneSR · 26/12/2024 21:30

I just need to vent - husbands birthday - from the moment he woke up has just been awful. I booked a holiday (overseas where he loves!) as his birthday surprise and got a few more gimmicky presents so he had more to open - he went nuts calling them
all rubbish. Every year we go theatre - this year a few weeks ago he mentioned sport he enjoys was on the same day. Had a big conversation at that time about cancelling theatre - he said no and that he wanted to go theatre. Angry this morning as he said I knew he really wanted to go sport match and hated theatre!! Then snapped and aggressive all day ruining it for us all. On top of this telling me how bored he is, complaining in restaurant , snapping and shouting at me for everything, pulled down birthday decorations I put up and then sat on sofa moaning!! Openly telling daughter that I have ruined it all! I had nothing for my birthday and not even a night out! He gets an expensive holiday and an expensive day out and does this!! 😢😢 Same every year!! Really upset

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 27/12/2024 00:47

Why bother he sounds horrible. Terrible role model for your children. Get rid pronto.

hopelessmary · 27/12/2024 00:53

When you say same every year did you mean the gifts or his aggression? Is he this aggressive regularly? It sounds like he is doing this on purpose, that it isn't about the gifts but he wants to start an argument. Sorry to say but sounds like he is either guilty of something and trying to justify that guilt by rubbishing everything you've done or finding a way of breaking the relationship.

elfnumber1 · 27/12/2024 00:57

Biscuitburglar · 26/12/2024 23:14

Does he really behave badly every year on his birthday? If so, stop celebrating his birthday! Tell him tomorrow that you’ve had enough of his birthday tantrums and it’s best all round if there’s never a repeat, so from now on he can do what he likes on his birthday but you won’t be getting involved. Job done.

And just add that he can do what he likes from now on because he’s dumped !

Frankbeverleyandthebutlers · 27/12/2024 01:09

He gets spoilt and it's still not good enough.he wanted the Theatre, didn't want the theatre, wanted the sports event,gets a holiday abroad.
He's clearly fucking with you this twat will never treat you with love and respect.
He will grind you down, don't let that happen op... happens every year well make 2024 the last year it happens.
Make 2025 your year for a better life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2024 01:13

Openly telling daughter that I have ruined it all! I had nothing for my birthday and not even a night out!

Your partner is an arsehole and you're trained to accept that.

You don't need to vent, you need to split up.

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/12/2024 01:23

This man doesn’t give a wit about you or your feelings. His behaviour is beyond comprehension. His self-centeredness and disregard for anyone else’s feelings are unbelievable…..and totally unacceptable. He’s shown you who he truly is, to call him childish is unfair to children.

Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 01:27

You're in an abusive relationship op and womens aid can help you to leave safely. He is showing you who he is and he won't change.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2024 01:33

Thats what happens when you live with abusive men.

You might find it useful to YouTube search 'narcissists ruin holidays'. Because they do. Holidays like trips and special occasions like Christmas.

I'd get that trio you booked refunded and use the money on a decent divorce lawyer. And be blooming clear with your children that it's not ok for people to treat their partners as he had treated you and so you are leaving him. And that they in turn, should never tolerate abuse or, gros up to be abusive like their dad.

You are the role model for your children's fiture relationships. Don't stay with asshole manbaby bullies.

teenmaw · 27/12/2024 05:36

You don't "just need to vent", you need to leave. This is a classic narc symptom, grandiose opinions of himself and what he deserves etc. Ruining everyone else's special occasions etc also a tell tale sign. I'm so glad I left op don't make this your life. You only get one

Original poster
JaneSR · 27/12/2024 06:13

Thank you all for taking the time to comment - you are right I didn’t just need to vent - I need help and I now realize that. My daughter hates me as she has had years of me being put down or blamed for everything and when I try and parent her or put boundaries in place that she is too young to do herself then I am just cast as the bad person by her father. I don’t even know how to recover that relationship as it has gone too far now.

OP posts:
Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 06:17

Leave your DH.

Don’t deflect and give up or cast your DD with the same stone as your DH. Your her Mum it is up to you to extradite yourself from this abusive man and help her recover from being exposed to such a toxic abusive situation. She is more of a victim than yourself.

frozendaisy · 27/12/2024 06:47

Instead of pandering around him wondering why is he like this. Why not ask why do I put up with this?

Sounds like time and time again you think oh if I get all these things he will turn into the man I want, see how much I love him and be amazing.

But no you will get fuck all again this birthday because let's face it he can just do nothing and you get him a holiday for his. If you get him the world he kicks off, if you get him nothing he would kick off.

elfnumber1 · 27/12/2024 07:20

Get away from him for your sake and your dd sake.
She needs to know this isn’t normal.

Speak to Women’s Aid to help you get away safely.

Mere1 · 27/12/2024 07:25

GCAcademic · 26/12/2024 22:27

Do you just “need to vent” or do you actually want to do anything about this? Given that this happens every year, and that he doesn’t bother for your birthday, why did you even bother with him? Why are you with him at all, given that he shows every sign of hating you?

Sadly, on the information you have given, this is my response too.

Girlmom35 · 27/12/2024 07:26

JaneSR · 27/12/2024 06:13

Thank you all for taking the time to comment - you are right I didn’t just need to vent - I need help and I now realize that. My daughter hates me as she has had years of me being put down or blamed for everything and when I try and parent her or put boundaries in place that she is too young to do herself then I am just cast as the bad person by her father. I don’t even know how to recover that relationship as it has gone too far now.

Start by getting yourself out of this incredibly toxic and abusive situation.
Your poor relationship with your daughter is a symptom of the unhappy house she's grown up in. Give her and yourself a safe and warm home again, then you'll see what changes.

BilboBlaggin · 27/12/2024 07:32

Try and cancel the holiday and use the money to leave this abusive twat.

It sounds like your DD is not a small child, so she'll probably respect your decision, even if she does think it took too long. Hopefully once away from him the relationship with your DD will begin to recover.

New year, new start OP. Don't put up with this a moment longer.

Original poster
JaneSR · 27/12/2024 07:34

My daughter adores him and sees me as the issue - she goes as far as saying she hates me and never wants to be with me.

OP posts:
elfnumber1 · 27/12/2024 07:42

JaneSR · 27/12/2024 07:34

My daughter adores him and sees me as the issue - she goes as far as saying she hates me and never wants to be with me.

That may be the case at present and it will get worse if you stay with him.

You are her mum. She doesn’t know what’s best for her. You do.

theansweris42 · 27/12/2024 08:09

Sending support OP. Your DD is likely traumatised. As you take steps to split with him be strong and available to her. Tell her you love her and don't comment on the hurtful things she says. Tell her and show her that she can trust you.

category12 · 27/12/2024 08:16

I doubt she really hates you, it's most likely safest to align herself with her father to avoid getting the same treatment.

Bestfootforward11 · 27/12/2024 08:22

I suspect your daughter ‘adores’ him because it’s how she makes herself safe and avoids getting treated the way you do. His behaviour has worn you down and made you feel small and powerless which is what it was designed to do. But you are not small and you have power here. You need to work out practical steps to get out. Good luck x

Unescorted · 27/12/2024 08:30

As a stop gap for today and as it realistically isn't going to magically get any better... When he next days to you or DD that he wanted to go to the sports event not the theatre remind him that you had this discussion 2 weeks ago and he made the decision that of the 2 events he chose the theatre. It is not your fault he has changed his mind.

When he tells you that the presents are rubbish tell him you would say the same about the ones he got you except there was nothing to complain about.

Then ring a friend and invite them to a trip to the theatre with you.

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2024 08:37

What are his good points. Does he act like this only on his birthday.

Nc546888 · 27/12/2024 08:39

If he doesn’t do anything for you birthday why on earth are you doing special stuff for his????

Owly11 · 27/12/2024 08:40

It sounds like abuse and parental alienation. You need some decent advice asap. So sorry to hear you are going through this. How old is your dd?

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