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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i alone on this? (long winded)

27 replies

Becky1967 · 02/05/2008 09:50

Yes, i have changed my details for this post, read on and you will understand why. Have been in talk for several months now and have been encouraged by the amount of support & understanding that people are able to give no matter what the situation (serious or just embarrassing). Firstly i know that this is trivial compared to many of the issues that are raised here and therefore comes under the embarrassing genre but this is something that i am struggling to understand about myself.Here goes.. my ex boyfriend used to occasionally be quite rough when we had sex, not all the time but sometimes. He would spank me and pull my hair and generally be quite harsh. i didn't really like it that much but i knew he really did so i didn't mind. My husband of ten years (3 snooks)has always been very tender and when we make love it is always very sensual & loving which i like very much.
But (there had to be a but!)for the last 2 or 3 years i have had found myself craving what i occasionally had with my ex, i have tried to put this to dh but to no avail and i don't understand why i want to be manhandled in such a way as i didn't particularly like it at the time! What's wrong with me? My ex was very much a man's man and DH is more of your archetypal "new man". As much as i love my DH and our intimacy sometimes i just want to be "taken" and shagged hard! what does this say about our marriage and my feelings towards my ex, i am totally over him, it was me who ended it but he enters my fantasies more & more.
Help!
Becks holds head in hands and awaits responses with trepidation.

OP posts:

limecrush · 02/05/2008 09:55

I really don't think you're alone in this. Absolutely no need to be ashamed. It's a fantasy and we all have them.

I know it doesn't always work to 'discuss stuff with your partner' but do you think there's any chance dh might be interested to hear this?? who knows, he might be harbouring desires of his own to vary things a bit? just a thought...

we can't control our fantasies and life would be less interesting if we could tbh

Hassled · 02/05/2008 09:59

Agree total with limecrush. And just because it's a fantasy about stuff you did with your ex, it doesn't mean it's about your ex. It's the sex, not the man, you're fantasising about. If you talk about this with your DH your ex doesn't need to be mentioned - you could imply it's something brand new you'd like to try.

Original poster

Becky1967 · 02/05/2008 09:59

Thanks limecrush, i have tried to broach the subject but....how can i put this..i'm not sure if he could carry it off. Ex was very masculine and commanding and DH is well the caring sensitive type, so at the end of my rant/whimper i'm not sure if i even want him to try in case it makes me laugh!!

in my fantasies it is always the ex rather than DH

OP posts:

Original poster

Becky1967 · 02/05/2008 10:00

i think he'd be shocked to know what i want!!

i mean i am shocked myself!! and can't even go into details here, anon or not.

OP posts:

postingforawhilenow · 02/05/2008 10:20

Hello Becks,

A man's view here...

What a lovely and understanding wife and partner you sound like. And DH sounds lovely too.

I don't think there is anything wrong with how you are feeling. Variety is the spice of life and sexuality is such a broad spectrum that it is, IMHO, nigh on impossible for one man to satisfy all of your needs/fantasies - ALTHOUGH I AM NOT SAYING HAVE AN AFFAIR!!

Obviously that leaves two choices - either DH gets into it with you, but you seem pretty certain that it would not be his thing, and even if it was you might piss yourself laughing. Or, just leave it as a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with fantasy and there is nothing wrong, IMHO, with occasionally acting out that fantasy in one's head while making love to the person we love.

Alternatively, you can act it out on your own, maybe even with the help of some porn - although I say that with hesitation, in view of my porn thread which has just hit 500 posts! (Please do not turn this into a porn thread, there is another one nearby!!!).

And as I have often argued elsewhere in this parish, having a secret garden is, IMO, not a bad thing. One person cannot meet all our needs all the time - and I say that as someone who has never been unfaithful in actions or in real life but who does sometimes use porn and my own imagination...

As for why do you have this fantasy, well it would need a more skilled person than me to know. Maybe though it is something as simple as we often want what we cannot have. In truth, I sometimes think about previous lovers, some of the things they did which DW would not do. It's not a question of being a better or worse lover, it's just a question of being a different lover.

Hope that helps...

Original poster

Becky1967 · 02/05/2008 10:27

Thanks for the male view.

Was concerned that i was developing a rape fantasy, relieved to see that i am not being judged as a freak.
i think you may be right and that it may be that it's a case of wanting what you can't have. I don't understand why when didn't do it for me before that i now crave it, he used to say the filthiest things to me which at the time was a turn off tbh, but now i'd give anything to be spoken to in that way.

OP posts:

postingforawhilenow · 02/05/2008 10:32

i have known even the mildest, sweetest partners to have a rape fantasy. I think it is just that, a fantasy. The psychology of which I honestly do not know but I think it is more common than we think/realise.

As long as it remains a fantasy (obviously), I wouldn't give yourself a hard time. Like I said earlier, maybe porn or erotic literature could fill the gap for you (no pun intended).

And I bet that if you were still with your ex, you would be craving the kind of gentle and sensitive lover which your DH is.

Original poster

Becky1967 · 02/05/2008 10:39

you are probably right

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limecrush · 02/05/2008 10:55

hehehe I have been there as you can guess- I completely understand the worrying about laughing!

dh (we're separating due to various issues including sexual) also a mega nice type and I just can't appreciate it...

limecrush · 02/05/2008 10:57

yeah posting is right. you will always want what you don't currently have. I wish I personally could be totally sexually fulfilled with one person but have to accept we are human and it won't happen. Dunno about the porn, I always find it too cliched and male-centred iyswim, though I have tried

Original poster

Becky1967 · 02/05/2008 10:57

limecrush, so you have the same cravings?

it's one thing people empathising and understanding and it's another to actually own up to wanting it too!!

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limecrush · 02/05/2008 11:13

not exactly the same, but very similar! In my case it's contributed to breaking up my marriage as I feel I don't really fancy dh any more and was finding other people more attractive for some of the reasons you state!

also had an ex who was a lot rougher and more conventionally 'masculine' and although I did like it at the time I remember it being a relief when I met dh and he was so caring/sensual etc. But now it does little for me

really wish I didn't have to bother with sex sometimes, it's so complicated!!

postingforawhilenow · 02/05/2008 11:31

isn't it, limecrush?!

through fear of getting completely flamed, there is also the option of using an adult chatrooms and forums, where you may find a likeminded woman or man who would explore your fantasy with you.

As long as you are 100% in your head that it will remain a virtual thing and you will never give any information about yourself or ever meet up with anyone you chat you, it can actually be an outlet for you to explore feelings you have in total anonimity.

I fully realise there are many here who may feel this is disloyal or unfaithful behaviour but if it does provide you an outlet, it may be a positive for your marriage and help you stay happy in it rather than having to leave it as limecrush has had to.

I say this not to provoke an argument, i say it just to post an option.

jackrabbit · 02/05/2008 11:34

a male

jackrabbit · 02/05/2008 11:40

a male perspective, my wife generally likes to be made love too rather than be fed. But sometimes she wants more, along the lines of what you have indicated Becky, when she is in this mood she just has to look me in the eyes and say F me or f* me harder.
It leaves me in no doubt what she wants, if she wants to be spanked she just tells me that as well.
For me it's intoxicating to hear her talk like that (those who know would be shocked that she possessed such vocab!) and she gets what she's after.
From your mail maybe this approach wouldn't work but its perhaps worth a try, give dh a chance!

Original poster

Becky1967 · 02/05/2008 11:43

thanks jackrabbit, not sure i could do that but i'll think about it. Maybe a few vodka cokes would help

OP posts:

specialmagiclady · 02/05/2008 11:49

I too have a very gentle loving husband. I'm an alpha personality, he's more of a beta one. But sometimes in bed it's nice for us to pretend to be different sorts of people and for him to assume alpha role.

Could you dress it up in a role play - he's the Philip Marlowe-style detective, you're the very naughty murder suspect...? Or some such. Then it wouldn't be "you and him" doing it - so maybe it would be acceptable to both of you?

littlewoman · 03/05/2008 01:41

Make him a paper mache club, a la Fred Flinstone, and tell him he's a caveman, you're the last woman on earth, and you don't really know if you fancy him so how's he going to get his shag?!!

Or something similar... role play is a very safe way to experiment. Or, if role play makes you feel silly (as it does me!) just show him the way. Bite him, or pinch his nipples. All you have to do is tell him what you want. If he wonders what's come over you (pun half-intended) tell him you saw it on telly and you found it really erotic. Maybe he doesn't update his moves, because he doesn't think you'd like it. Just be honest with him

greeneyedgirl · 03/05/2008 09:30

I think alot of women like "rough" sex and the reason for that (I reckon)is because we like to feel like women, the fairer sex (it's the oestrogen lol)! Believe it or not we LIKE to be told what to do (in bed ONLY natch), we are heterosexual because we fancy men and want to be "taken" on occasion, rather than made love to. This secnario can be found in most romance novels, it's really normal!!

I think you should fantasis away and enjoy it .

rey · 03/05/2008 09:50

maybe it's quick sex rather than love making - just a thought and if your dh viewed it like that it might help.

nobodyputsBBinthecorner · 03/05/2008 13:27

i think that sounds perfectly normal, u sound like you want variety not your ex, variety is the spice of life and all that!! have u talked about what it is you want? would role playing help??

lou33 · 03/05/2008 13:49

there is nothing wrong with wanting what you describe

it doesnt mean you like someone being abusive to you, it's a fantasy, and it is with someone you know you feel safe with and trust, who would respect your boundaries and not cross them

Moomin · 03/05/2008 13:55

oh god all the role play scenarios are so . It would just make me laugh.

I think maybe the way to get the occasional shag like this would be to initiate sex away from the bedroom for a quickie - on the kitchen floor, up the stairs or whaever. These tend to be quick as they are somewhere different and can be quite exciting. Throw a couple of jackrabbit's suggestions of whispering 'f*k me hard' etc and i think this would be a good start, and has none of the 'rape' connotations you are worried about. That way it also becomes an experience that 'belongs' to you and your dh, not just harking after something you and your ex did.

cyteen · 03/05/2008 13:58

"I don't understand why when didn't do it for me before that i now crave it, he used to say the filthiest things to me which at the time was a turn off tbh, but now i'd give anything to be spoken to in that way."

Maybe you feel more secure with your dh because he has shown himself to be such a caring, intimate lover, so now you feel that you could trust in any sex that was rougher. Trust is crucial with this kind of thing.

Personally I love a bit of rough and tumble, always have, but it's particularly good now that I'm with my DP because I know I can trust him to just 'get' whatever filthy persona comes over me, and get off on it without judging me. And that we can have a laugh about it afterwards.

Hope you find a way to broach the subject with your DH...you never know, he might surprise you

Original poster

Becky1967 · 06/05/2008 08:30

OP posts:

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