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Original poster

Dating expectations after 8 weeks

47 replies

littlemisspeachy1 · 26/12/2024 17:19

Hi

Looking for some feedback or your interpretation of this situation

I have been seeing a guy I met on bumble for 8 weeks now we have met up around 9 times things like days out shopping and also going to each others houses/watching films etc. he's late 20s, never had a serious relationship before and isn't very romantic or romantically confident (although has got better recently it is nice he's not pestering me for sex constantly which we have had)

Usually I date a few weeks then let them down gently as I cba getting attached and find something I don't like about them however that's not the case this time, I stand by the point of being a strong woman but find myself checking my phone to see if he's messaged and it's so out of character for me

He's admitted this week via message that he likes me, sends me insta reels that hint at relationship kinda vibes and has sent some cute flirty messages (when tipsy) but I still get this feeling that I need to say this won't work to him and I don't know why. At this point I feel like it's a defence mechanism

There are days he goes hours without replying to me which can get me annoyed then I feel like I'm going to be sacked off by him, he isn't seeing anyone else and has deleted bumble a few weeks into seeing me. I seem to suggest all our meet up/dates I don't think he's asked me on a single one bar the first coffee which scares me looking back on it

When we are together it's amazing but in between I feel crazy at times. Is this just what getting feelings is like? What should my expectations be at 8 weeks? I feel like a silly teen clinging onto hopes and dreams at this point but keep telling myself he's not experienced in dating so I need to he patient. What do I do 😩?

OP posts:
Catsanus · 26/12/2024 17:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KhakiOrca · 26/12/2024 17:25

Don’t bin him off. He could be the one. And yes, Be patient.

Original poster
littlemisspeachy1 · 26/12/2024 17:27

It's like he's that laid back he'd be horizontal. I keep telling myself wait to see if he suggests anything then I get too impatient and end up doing it in a vicious battle with my head as he doesn't have any red flags I feel but the lack of go in him to see me if infuriating

OP posts:
Oreyt · 26/12/2024 17:29

How old are you?

Original poster
littlemisspeachy1 · 26/12/2024 17:30

Oreyt · 26/12/2024 17:29

How old are you?

26 he's a few years older

OP posts:
FuriousPoodle · 26/12/2024 17:36

then I get too impatient and end up doing it in a vicious battle with my head as he doesn't have any red flags I feel but the lack of go in him to see me if infuriating

What? He’s got loads of red flags!

Leaves you on read. Doesn’t arrange dates. Isn’t romantic. The biggest red flag is that you’re feeling anxious. This is your nervous system recognising something is off. Ignore it at your peril.

TwinkleLights24 · 26/12/2024 17:37

You have to make 99% of the effort which makes me raise an eyebrow. Men chase who they want in my experience. If you don’t suggest plans would he? Maybe leave him to message and make plans and see how much effort he makes.

There is laid back and then there is this one who doesn’t seem overly bothered.

litepop · 26/12/2024 17:43

FuriousPoodle · 26/12/2024 17:36

then I get too impatient and end up doing it in a vicious battle with my head as he doesn't have any red flags I feel but the lack of go in him to see me if infuriating

What? He’s got loads of red flags!

Leaves you on read. Doesn’t arrange dates. Isn’t romantic. The biggest red flag is that you’re feeling anxious. This is your nervous system recognising something is off. Ignore it at your peril.

Leaving someone on read for a few hours isn't a red flag.
It's unclear if he's not wiling to arrange a date as OP is doing it.
Are you giving him the chance to take the lead and initiate or is it your impatience drug the fact that you're doing the suggesting & planning?
Deleting bumble after a few weeks does suggest he's keen

ilovecushionsandflowers · 26/12/2024 17:45

I've made a vow to never date a nonchalant man ever again....

The fact you felt the need to post on an online forum says it all, to be honest.
Trust your intuition.
These beginning stages should be so nice, easy and fun.
You sound stressed.
Is this really the best bumble has to offer? Is this all you think you're worth?

Original poster
littlemisspeachy1 · 26/12/2024 17:45

I think the issue is I'm too impatient, he did also say that if he ever felt he should "end things" at this stage of talking it wouldn't be via text but for some reason I just don't believe him

I come across very confident in my whole life except I'm very vulnerable with feelings and dating and this is why I usually sack off most men I date for a few weeks but somehow this one has slipped through the cracks and it's starting to drive me insane. One moment I think I should get rid of him and live my life then next tells me he's inexperienced with dating and to be patient as he has shown interest in stuff he's said to me etc

OP posts:
cinnamonda · 26/12/2024 17:46

Talk things out with him - don’t assume.
what if he thinks you like choosing the places and he is agreeing to make you happy?
men are simple creatures- if you are confused about things just ask him, talk it out.
dont judge and ‘create’ red flags.
you seem to have a good thing going on with him, he is patient with you, agrees to everything you want, obviously you like him enough, be mature and talk things out and get it sorted.
You are different personalities and so will have different habits and expectations- noone is a mind reader- communication is key.
good luck

Original poster
littlemisspeachy1 · 26/12/2024 17:56

cinnamonda · 26/12/2024 17:46

Talk things out with him - don’t assume.
what if he thinks you like choosing the places and he is agreeing to make you happy?
men are simple creatures- if you are confused about things just ask him, talk it out.
dont judge and ‘create’ red flags.
you seem to have a good thing going on with him, he is patient with you, agrees to everything you want, obviously you like him enough, be mature and talk things out and get it sorted.
You are different personalities and so will have different habits and expectations- noone is a mind reader- communication is key.
good luck

I keep wanting to talk it out with him I've no idea how to approach it without putting him off if that makes sense as I don't want to come across as desperate with it only being 8 weeks. We saw each other on Sunday but I'm also wishing he'd ask me to see him again but I'm holding off asking him anything this time to see if he'll eventually suggest it (we are both off work too with it being Christmas). At what point do I call it quits or try speaking to him if I feel like I'm waiting for nothing

OP posts:
ilovecushionsandflowers · 26/12/2024 17:59

For me, when I'm dating someone I always expect the next date to be planned during the date if that makes sense.
It would drive me absolutely loopy Lou
If we just left it open and I had to wait for them to ask me out again.

I deffo think you should just pull your emotional energy back slightly and let him take the lead.
And if he doesn't, Well you have your answer.
I wouldn't be waiting around too long tho.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 26/12/2024 18:02

Get some therapy. It sounds like you have a tendency to self sabotage.

I would keep playing it cool, not get too invested and see how it plays out. Have you read “The Rules”?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2024 18:08

Are you happy to be the person to teach him how to be a bf? Could mould him into your dream guy. Why not give it a go what have you got to lose? Just tell him what you like and don't like and what your standards are then he can either do that or run away but either of those are better than binning him for no reason and wondering what if

TwinkleLights24 · 26/12/2024 19:55

If he wanted to see you he would be asking.
At this stage I don’t think I’d bother taking about anything, he either makes some effort or he doesn’t.

You shouldn’t need to teach a man how to act.

category12 · 26/12/2024 20:04

I think if you're doing all the running, he's not that into you.

However inexperienced, you'd have thought he'd have enough gumption to suggest a date himself rather than leaving it all to you.

Do you think perhaps you're really into him because he's not that bothered? It sounds like you're a bit of a commit-phobe in that you always do the dumping, so when someone you have to chase comes along, you're suddenly really interested?

ruddygreattiger · 26/12/2024 20:57

TwinkleLights24 · 26/12/2024 19:55

If he wanted to see you he would be asking.
At this stage I don’t think I’d bother taking about anything, he either makes some effort or he doesn’t.

You shouldn’t need to teach a man how to act.

This

As hard as it may be, don't be so quick to answer his messages and definitely don't suggest a next meet up.
You've made things very easy for him so far, now it's up to him to engage a brain cell and suggest a date. Give him a couple of days and if no joy, then bin.
He sounds like a teenager,sorry op.

OneLemonGuide · 26/12/2024 22:39

If the last date was Sunday, expect another date to be planned, or at least discussed, by now… But given you’ve initiated everything so far, don’t suggest or arrange anything. If he’s genuinely interested, he’ll do this… You have to sit tight. If he doesn’t suggest something in the next couple of days, and it’s driving you mad that he hasn’t, he’s not the one for you.

OneLemonGuide · 26/12/2024 22:45

category12 · 26/12/2024 20:04

I think if you're doing all the running, he's not that into you.

However inexperienced, you'd have thought he'd have enough gumption to suggest a date himself rather than leaving it all to you.

Do you think perhaps you're really into him because he's not that bothered? It sounds like you're a bit of a commit-phobe in that you always do the dumping, so when someone you have to chase comes along, you're suddenly really interested?

Yes, is it more that you can’t stand the fact that he’s nonchalant about you, and that’s what’s getting you hooked… because you’re self-esteem requires him to show that he wants you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he suddenly did make an effort whether you’d then go cold on him like the others, because you’d then have what you want from him.

it sounds like you need to work on yourself tbh, if you can’t get attached to men who actually like you.

OneLemonGuide · 26/12/2024 22:45

your not you’re ffs!

Anyideashowtodealwiththis · 26/12/2024 23:06

FuriousPoodle · 26/12/2024 17:36

then I get too impatient and end up doing it in a vicious battle with my head as he doesn't have any red flags I feel but the lack of go in him to see me if infuriating

What? He’s got loads of red flags!

Leaves you on read. Doesn’t arrange dates. Isn’t romantic. The biggest red flag is that you’re feeling anxious. This is your nervous system recognising something is off. Ignore it at your peril.

Not always …sometimes the anxiety is what we get when we are feeling vulnerable and falling for someone. it’s quite a common response and is about our insecurities.

he sometimes doesn’t reply for a few hours- doesn’t mean he’s ignoring OP - maybe just busy.

mondaytosunday · 26/12/2024 23:59

Well you don't sound that in to him, or relationships in general.
You're probably too young but there was a tv advert where a young man and young woman end up in the lift together. In her head she fantasises them getting together, falling in love, getting married, having arguments and breaking up. So the lift door opens, they haven't said one word to each other, but she slaps him across the face.
You seem to be doing something similar. You start getting past the 'getting to know you' part and then 'bin them off' as you anticipate trouble ahead. I have no idea about this guy in particular, but maybe slow down and give one of them a chance?
And by the way, my husband didn't call me for a whole week after our first date. But we still got married the following year.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2024 00:08

'He said he likes me' ...at 8 weeks in, after shagging.

Look if its been more than a month and you have sex with someone and they don't ask you out, they don't like you. They're just stringing you along.

Frankly at 8 weeks in, shagging and he comes out with 'I like you' I'd be insulted. Because it's crumbs! Less than crumbs. It's thumbing his nose at you.

If you hadn't slept together yet and were 2 months in I'd still be expecting the boyfriend talk tbh. But perhaps, another month tops. But you guys are sleeping together so...if he didn't ask you out after that, it's because he WANTS to leave you dangling.

That being said, you sound needy regarding the texts. But maybe that's because he initially texted tons and responded fast so you came to expect constant contact and now he's changed, it seems weird and leaves you insecure. This is a tactic of abusive men.

Either way, this isn't the one for you.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2024 00:14

Also, do you mean HE was pestering you for sex constantly? Because that's a huge red flag if so. Why would you keep seeing someone who treats you that way?

The whole 'I'm inexperienced' is such shit too.

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