Dating expectations after 8 weeks

[littlemisspeachy1]

Hi

Looking for some feedback or your interpretation of this situation

I have been seeing a guy I met on bumble for 8 weeks now we have met up around 9 times things like days out shopping and also going to each others houses/watching films etc. he's late 20s, never had a serious relationship before and isn't very romantic or romantically confident (although has got better recently it is nice he's not pestering me for sex constantly which we have had)

Usually I date a few weeks then let them down gently as I cba getting attached and find something I don't like about them however that's not the case this time, I stand by the point of being a strong woman but find myself checking my phone to see if he's messaged and it's so out of character for me

He's admitted this week via message that he likes me, sends me insta reels that hint at relationship kinda vibes and has sent some cute flirty messages (when tipsy) but I still get this feeling that I need to say this won't work to him and I don't know why. At this point I feel like it's a defence mechanism

There are days he goes hours without replying to me which can get me annoyed then I feel like I'm going to be sacked off by him, he isn't seeing anyone else and has deleted bumble a few weeks into seeing me. I seem to suggest all our meet up/dates I don't think he's asked me on a single one bar the first coffee which scares me looking back on it

When we are together it's amazing but in between I feel crazy at times. Is this just what getting feelings is like? What should my expectations be at 8 weeks? I feel like a silly teen clinging onto hopes and dreams at this point but keep telling myself he's not experienced in dating so I need to he patient. What do I do 😩?

No I meant he doesn't pester for sex we could have easily not had sex in these 8 weeks if I didn't initiate it the time we did. Don't think we are constantly shagging either he's been over/mine to his quite a lot with nothing more than some kissing.

OP, you need to calm down.
Stop doing all the chasing.

When a guy is keen there is no confusion.
Let him suggest a date and make an effort to arrange things.
By chasing him you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

If he is too laid back, dump him.
Because if he is keen, he will be keen to spend time with you.
Doing all the work is never going to feel good.

Read "Women who love too much".

If he was really interested you would know.

If a man told me to be patient because he wasn’t used to dating, meaning I had to do all the chasing and arranging, then I’d be off.

Arranging a date with someone who clearly likes you is not rocket science. He knows how to do it. He just doesn’t want to.

If you’re 8 weeks in and you’ve had sex and he isn’t trying to get lots of dates with you, it’s time to hold your head up high and move on.

As everyone has said... I have been dating on a similar timescale and he is always working out when we can meet up next. We are both keen. Silly season has made t a tote harder as lots of Christmas parties etc, but we have done our best to make it work.

Stop doing everything. Chill out. See what he does next.

Reading your updates makes him sound even less interested with each one.

Stop all initiating and leave it to him. An almost 30 year old man will know exactly what to do.

I spoke to him last night on a phone call after explaining how I felt on a text. He did take ownership for not doing much and said he'd make more effort I think at this point I'll just see what happens and pull back my energy to match his and focus my attention on other things to distract myself from him. He did mention that he's never had someone in this position in his life before so sometimes doesn't know how to respond to hints etc. if we do see each other again I may suggest that we should arrange our next date in person to make it easier to find times we are free etc and if he doesn't like that idea I'm moving on

I cannot believe that, after all the advice you had on this thread, you not only texted him about this but also had an in-depth phone discussion. And this comes after YOU initiated sex.

I think you really, definitely need to read Women Who Love Too Much. You'll learn a lot.

In the meantime it would be in your best interest to take a huge step back and let him do the running. Or not...

So you have continued to chase him.
Ah well🙄

A 29 year old man claiming he’s inexperienced and doesn’t know what to do. Not buying it.

He's promised 'to make more of an effort'?
Jesus christ if a bloke said that about seeing me there wouldn't be another date.
He's supposed to like you, in which case suggesting meeting up isn't a chore! And him being nearly 30 and 'never been in this position before' is utter bs.

Face it op, he's just not into you.

Good luck with nailing that jelly to the wall, OP.

Well I’m with the OP on this one. Having an adult discussion about things and letting him prove himself is the right thing to do.

The conversation could have sparked him into making plans but she’s still saying IF she sees him again..

Seems to be a bit of a theme recently. OP asking for advice re a flaky, uninterested bloke, gets very good advice, completely ignores the advice and goes ahead with what everyone advised not to then wonders why it all goes wrong 🤷‍♀️

I agree dating anxiety is common in the first 12 months.
Threads on the lack of urgency around messaging are common. According to Mumsnetters, anything but an Instanaouses reply with a promised trip to the Carribean is a red flag.

If you tend to date men with the intention of dumping them after after a few weeks because vulnerability scares you, I don't think you're emotionally in the right place to commit to anyone or for him to commit to you. Have you been to therapy?

This. But also, OP, he’s passive, emotionally unintelligent, a poor communicator, and sounds really dull. Sort yourself out in therapy and find someone less dull and more into you. After eight weeks, he promises to ‘make more of an effort’? That’s what you say about gym going after a Christmas blowout, not a new relationship.

Dinner out arranged by him for tonight. I have not messaged him all day either before this. Obviously a repercussion of our conversation yesterday but a move in the right direction but I will just keep seeing how things go

Thing is..
I've been in situations like this before,
Where I've told a man how I feel and that I need 'more' from him, whether that's dates or more communication etc
They say sorry, make an excuse and make an effort.. for a week or two.. or until they get what they want (sex)
His default is not enough for you.
I want a man who fulfils me without having to 'put more effort in' and you should too.

I hope I'm wrong and he changes for good and it's plain sailing from here, enjoy your date!!

Well done OP, keep communicating maturely together. You see, he just needed to talk to a bit, noone is born knowing how things are supposed to go/ what to do - also ot everyone has those chick flick movie style friends who tell you what to say/ do/ dress etc. good luck

Totally agree. Nevermind the guy; the biggest red flag here belongs to OP. Dating with the intention of dumping is selfish, immature, and to be blunt, a bit toxic. Take a year off dating and get therapy instead.