Am I being silly? Bf talking about moving away

[12purplepencils]

Bf of 14 months or so
both 40s, both with our own kids
him widowed, me divorced
its been going really well, we started off quite light and casual then had. A big chat 6 months in and decided to make a proper go of it, admitted we loved each other.
Not on a path to blending families, we live about 15 mins away from each other and see each other a few times a week. I stay over alternate weekends when my kids are with their dad.
All good.
we’re good at talking through things and being open (or trying to be!) as we both weren’t used to that in previous relationships.
Obviously it’s still early days but we are committed

we were idly chatting today and he said how he’d like to live somewhere bigger (he has a very small house in a desirable commuter town). Then talked about moving completely when his child leaves home maybe back to where he’s from which is about 4 hours away.
He talked about it in terms of just him doing that.
(I’ve got significant roots in this area so he would probably know I wouldn’t be up for moving anyway, and my youngest is younger than his by a few years).

my rational head says of course he might think about moving to be nearer his family. And of course we don’t know if we’re still together.

But my instinctive reaction was to feel upset that he doesn’t see his future with me in it. Or that’s how it came across.

I imagined that we’d see how things go but if we are still happily together when kids have left home that we’d move in at that point or maybe move to the same village.

Am I being over sensitive and silly? Or would others find this upsetting.

YANBU - had a very similar situation two years into my relationship with BF - talking about what we’d each do if we won the lottery.
He said he’d build. House for him and his kids - no mention of me or doing anything like that together.
It really, really hurt, and fundamentally changed our relationship.

Is his DC going to be old enough to move out in the next couple of years or is this way into the future?

Did you ask him how did you fit into those plans?

Was he tentatively sounding out the idea with you to see how you would react / if you'd be open to that? Was it an idea that he'd been thinking about for a while and hasn't updated it to fit you in?

If he's serious I suppose you'd better re-evaluate your relationship seeing as he is planning on leaving you

he doesn’t see his future with me in it.
I'd say he's made that plain. Don't waste any more time on him. And don't waste your energy being upset - transform that to anger that he's been stringing you along.

@MarkingBad in about 5 yrs his dc will have finished school

@ThisWillBeOurYear no it didn’t feel like he was sounding me out
I think he did notice I went a bit quiet and then said something about it not being a fixed plan and how we both know he can’t plan more than a few days ahead.

it still stung.

Not sure whether to say to him that it upset me a bit. As he might not say it out loud again but that won’t change much if he still deep down feels like that.

Definitely something to address sooner or later. Otherwise you could really be wasting your time.

"I just wanted to talk about something you mentioned the other day - that you'd like to move to x in the future. How would you see our relationship working if you were 4 hours away, do you think a long distance relationship would work? To be clear, moving isn't an option for me."

I'd he 'hasn't thought' how it would work then I'm sorry I don't think he sees a long term thing with you.

But is it weird of me to talk about something he mentioned he might do in 5 yrs time when we’ve been together less than 18 months?

And long distance definitely wouldn’t work for me when I’m late 40s early 50s. As the kids get older and more independent/leave home I’d love to be able to spend more time with him, travel, do every day stuff etc

Maybe he was sounding you out.

5 years is a long time and the DC may not go onto further education or leave home even if they do so nothing happening straight away or at least in the near future.

Were it me, I would discuss it with him. You've only been together a relatively short time, this could be a long term idea he'd mused about for a long time but he has no serious plans in place at present so it's just a thought right now

I'd say something, if his long term plans are not going to suit you then don't waste years with him. He might be quite set on it, he might not but I'd want to know

Do you have a relationship with his son if you're at theirs every other weekend?

Personally, I’d finish it. He has a different vision than you have for his future, by the sound of it , it’s a vision for himself, not as you for a couple. No point prolonging something that you don’t agree with moving away.

Yes I get on well with his son.
As we live quite close I don’t go and stay the whole weekend; I’ll normally sleep over one of the nights, occasionally both, but go back to my house in between, get jobs done etc.

I have said to him before that as much as we are still getting to know each other and not locked into anything at this point obviously, if he gets to a point where he knows he definitely doesn’t see a future with me I’d like him to tell me, and I’d do the same for him.

Maybe I need to reiterate that

No not weird. Sensible.

Don't waste years of your life because you were too polite to ask where you stand.

If he's happy to think he'll move away once his DC leaves school then you don't matter to him very much Op. I know it's early days but why waste your time on him?

There are no guarantees when his dc will move out, they may be there for years yet so maybe him moving away is a pipe dream and may never happen - no-one knows what's around the corner.
However of you've been together 18 months I would expect the relationship to be worth something that he would want in his future plans. Like you I would be very hurt if that wasn't even worth him mentioning and I would start questioning what he actually thinks of the relationship.

As you only live a few minutes away from each other maybe he views it as a very convenient arrangement for now?
When he talks of any other future plans does he include you?

Personally I think it is unlikely his child will move out then, or if he does will still need support as he has additional needs. He’s talked before about his child living in a flat nearby and them going to the pub together.
so talking about moving “home” was kind of at odds with that, and I do think he just says things without thinking, and housing is much cheaper there so he’d be able to get something bigger.

I know it’s not a definite or necessarily serious plan but it still stung.

His late wife was from the same area and so I don’t know if it was maybe always their plan, that’s possible.

Yes he does include me in medium term plans like thinking about future christmasses (we hope we can spend the day together sometime), and we planned holiday for the summer.

our big chat about 6 months in was me feeling like maybe he wasn’t that into it and if it was still going to be a fairly casual and light thing (as we’d talked about initially as it’s both of our first relationship after our marriages) that maybe I’d prefer to stop at that point before we all get too attached to each other. But then we both got upset at the prospect of breaking up and admitted we loved each other and wanted it to be more. But we haven’t talked about longer term future other than being on the same page that blending families in our case would not be a good plan!

So the first 6 months of your relationship you felt he wasn't that invested then after a chat you agreed to carry on seeing each other but have agreed that blending families is something neither of you want.
Maybe he takes that a a sign that the relationship doesn't really have legs for longer term plans and is happy with summer holidays together and weekends when you are free. That's great if you both want a semi-casual relationship.

Yes maybe
we meet up a couple of lunchtimes a week too and normally for a quick walk on the weekends I do have the kids (older ones are teens so I can leave them for a bit).

So I guess that was my question - given the length and status of our relationship, am I justified in feeling a bit stung about his comment about maybe buying a house up there in future .

But then I can almost hear him in my ear saying feel the feels 😆 if that’s how you feel then it’s valid and let’s talk about it!
I’ll have a chat with him in the new year when he’s back from a trip to see family

How are things in your wider life together? Have you met his friends / family? Have you visited his home town together? Been away just the two of you? Do you both talk about things going on in your lives away from each other?

I understand how it may have stung a bit.
But honestly, he may have just been dreaming out loud.
Who knows how he will feel in 5 years - or more. Just because a child finishes school, doesn't mean they're ready for living independantly.
Maybe he was hinting at moving abroad together.

Every time my husband and I take a vacation anywhere, we start fantasizing about living somewhere exotic. Even though in reality I could never move away from my children when it comes down to it. But it's nice to dream.

I think it’s just that you are both proper adults and both have your own children as your priority, this is different from a first marriage with the wide open road of life in front of you. You don’t need him to commit to moving in with you, co parent children, pay off a mortgage and so you are both free to live wherever you like. Sounds like his daydream of the future has been the same for years and years. It’s not a rejection of you it’s just his default setting when he thinks of the future. Same as if you had said ‘I’d love a cosy cottage by the sea just me and the cat’.