Help me craft a definitive break up text message

[tragedeigh]

16 months relationship, living separately, exclusive but no real future plans and no real issues except from me feeling a lack of compatibility

I have been patient. I was never incredibly physically attracted to him but attracted enough to have sex. He tries hard but has ongoing ED problem that apoarently doctors can’t fix and no other creative solutions so I’m bored of oral and fingers and lost attraction for him.

Also it just became crystal clear that outside the bedroom our lifestyles are very different and we want and like different things, therefore there is nothing in common such a hobbie, activity or anything for fun we can do together. We don’t even like the same style of movies, series, shows.

During all this time we have been trying to figure out what we both like doing together and did a lot of stuff but it is just not fun with him. We are comfortable with each other and can spend time together but it feels like I’m forcing myself as I don’t feel any romantic love or attraction so it feels like going out with a friend that fancies me.

I was hoping things would improve, grow.
He is a good man and I have zero complaints so I tried. He is good company but doesn’t work for me in terms of a sexual/romantic relationship and I’m pretty clear on that and nothing will change my mind at this point.

So, I broke up with him face to face in December before he travelled to see his family. I might have been too soft because he is still hopeful. I told him not to have any hopes but he still is. He texted me over Christmas saying that he wished he could see me in January when he is back.

I want to send a definite, clear message that it is over but in a way that doesn’t read too harsh or hurtful. There is nothing or no one to blame so I struggle. Because there was no bad between us, he maintain hopes and I need to kill it once and for all.

He prides himself in being stoic but did not get my face to face break up so I guess I had holes in my delivery. I don’t remember exactly my words but it was along the lines of ‘wanting to focus on myself only / don’t want to spend time and energy in the relationship / want a new direction for 2025’

He is over 50 and mature and I thought that what I said above would deliver the message and when he mentioned ‘hope’ and I said ‘don’t’ he replied ‘it is only hope not expectation’
So I have to kill the hope

Help?

OP, you have such a healthy attitude to relationships and sound like you know what you want in life. I envy that. I stayed in a relationship 18 months too long because he was 'nice enough' and because of my age. He did nothing for me sexually and the impact on my MH of having sex I didn't want to have for so long can't be underestimated. Good for you for having the courage to end things due to incompatibility.

Yeah

When I have to go see him I no longer enjoy getting ready, I don’t get excited and I’m already thinking about the time I’ll be back home doing my own thing before I even leave the house

I created a gap of 5 months in the bedroom and when I talked myself into trying again I knew it would be my last time. I climaxed with oral some how but my heart, body and brain was not in it. Why go through this chore? It would only make sense if it was a perfect marriage with all other areas into place

It is tough as he really did nothing wrong ever. But I already stayed way too long.

In January or ever. That might be false hope for him to cling to..

Yes, I always find it bizarre how “blocking” is the default for some posters. Blocking has its place when someone is offensive, abusive or just won’t leave you alone, but doing so without any of this is cruel and borderline sociopathic in my opinion.

Agree, you have to be final and definitive, especially given his form.

No thank you, I wish you well but we are over and I do not want any contact.

If he tries to contact you again, block him!

"It's best we leave it here and dont see each other again. Wishing you all the best for your future. "

I don't think you really have to message again,seeing as you have already had the conversation face to face. I might just be tempted to not text him back at all. You have said what you wanted to say.

If you feel you have to reply, I would go with

"I have thought about what you said in your message, and would just like wish you well going forward". Don't get into a conversation and don't open up for a conversation.

You definitely sound very mismatched and this breakup was going to happen at some point for sure.

Can you say a version of what you have said here?

Dear X,
I must be clear and say that I don't want to take our relationship any further. I have hoped for a while that my feelings for you would grow as you are a lovely man, but we are not compatible in our interests or physically and for these reasons, I have decided I want to end the relationship. You are a great man for the right woman, but that is not me, and you deserve someone you truly connect with.

You’ve told him already do no need for a repeat. He needs to accept that you and he are over. If he further tries to overstep your clear boundaries then do not hesitate to involve the police.

This. No need for unkindness and blocking!

I would say something like this: ‘during our time apart. I have realised that we are not compatible. We have different interests and like very different things. I valued our time together. But now it’s come to an end. We will only be friends. I think we should give each other space’.

I wouldn't say we will only be friends because friends keep in touch and meet up...he will still think that meeting up is on the cards

I'd be so hurt to receive some of these messages and would be hurt for my children to receive something like this too. Something softer and kinder like a PP is what I would do like:

Hi Dean hope you had a lovely Christmas. I'm going to be blunt here... You're a great person and I really hope you find happiness but having had more time to reflect I know it won't be with me. These things just happen unfortunately. Take care and all the best for the new year."

Then if he messages again I'd say "I'm sorry Dean I don't want to discuss this further.".

I wouldn't block. There is no need for it.

But honestly at this point I'd do absolutely nothing until the day he messages trying to make concrete plans for Jan. Then send something like the first reply.

This is by far the best. Incredibly decent, kind and saves alot of hard feelings.This is exactly the sort of message I would appreciate if sent to me.

If he persists after this I simply wouldn't answer. Blocking is so aggressive. I'd reserve that if he goes stalker mode.

Telling him once is enough, telling him a second time might be patronising. His hope is not your responsibility, that’s on him, it may be a defence mechanism for him.

Only text again to clarify for him if he approaches you once more, if he hasn’t and doesn’t, I don’t see that there’s any need to act.

In future, try not to use people for so long anymore for companionship, it’s self-serving selfish and unkind. You both should be with people you’re actually excited about.