Help me craft a definitive break up text message

[tragedeigh]

16 months relationship, living separately, exclusive but no real future plans and no real issues except from me feeling a lack of compatibility

I have been patient. I was never incredibly physically attracted to him but attracted enough to have sex. He tries hard but has ongoing ED problem that apoarently doctors can’t fix and no other creative solutions so I’m bored of oral and fingers and lost attraction for him.

Also it just became crystal clear that outside the bedroom our lifestyles are very different and we want and like different things, therefore there is nothing in common such a hobbie, activity or anything for fun we can do together. We don’t even like the same style of movies, series, shows.

During all this time we have been trying to figure out what we both like doing together and did a lot of stuff but it is just not fun with him. We are comfortable with each other and can spend time together but it feels like I’m forcing myself as I don’t feel any romantic love or attraction so it feels like going out with a friend that fancies me.

I was hoping things would improve, grow.
He is a good man and I have zero complaints so I tried. He is good company but doesn’t work for me in terms of a sexual/romantic relationship and I’m pretty clear on that and nothing will change my mind at this point.

So, I broke up with him face to face in December before he travelled to see his family. I might have been too soft because he is still hopeful. I told him not to have any hopes but he still is. He texted me over Christmas saying that he wished he could see me in January when he is back.

I want to send a definite, clear message that it is over but in a way that doesn’t read too harsh or hurtful. There is nothing or no one to blame so I struggle. Because there was no bad between us, he maintain hopes and I need to kill it once and for all.

He prides himself in being stoic but did not get my face to face break up so I guess I had holes in my delivery. I don’t remember exactly my words but it was along the lines of ‘wanting to focus on myself only / don’t want to spend time and energy in the relationship / want a new direction for 2025’

He is over 50 and mature and I thought that what I said above would deliver the message and when he mentioned ‘hope’ and I said ‘don’t’ he replied ‘it is only hope not expectation’
So I have to kill the hope

Help?

I am glad you have ended it!
I was reading this and apart from abuse, I was reading thinking Jeeze I cant think of anything worse .
Just because someone isn’t bad or we don’t argue doesn’t mean we have to be with them.
You did the right thing.

Id send a message saying
I hope you had a nice Xmas and I wish you all the best for 2025. I’d say I don’t feel the need to stay in touch now that you are over.

Wish you all the best for the future , take care.

You could then block. Unless you are able to not respond to his random txting ?

Block him, no need to send anything else

I am thinking the same , just didn’t think op would like that idea.
Id send a message then block

I would say something along the lines
I have enjoyed our time together but am clear that it has come to its end . Please accept this as a final message from me. I wish you all the very best for the new year . Take care

I'd just go along the lines of a PP and say something like
"It's probably best we leave it here and dont see each other in January. Wishing you all.the best for your future. "

Yes blocking seems so extreme at this point in time as there is zero bad between us and he doesn’t bombard me yet

I think things can be amicable and blocking seems the opposite

Blocking doesn't mean it's not amicable, just that there's nothing else to say because it's over

Just be

"We're very different people and it's not working for me. I hope you find someone you are compatible with."

Hi "x" hope you're well. I don't feel like it would be appropriate for us to meet up again now we are no longer a couple. I wish you all the best.

If he persists then block

Blocking is cowardly. @Celynfour message was a good one.

all you need is something simple, I enjoyed our time together, but for me it is over. It does not work, and there is no way back. Wishing you all the best for 25.

How about saying that meeting up so soon after splitting up isn't a good idea and you'd prefer to leave it a few months, after which, it will feel less awkward.

A message along this line re-unforced the breakup without explicitly pointing it out

Having thought things through, I am not interested in continuing our relationship at all, under any circumstances. I know this is blunt, but I want to be crystal clear with you….and then just put your name. Then there is no wriggle room whatsoever..which is kinder in the long run

Our relationship isn't working for me, there is nothing you could do to change that and I need to be clear with you - the relationship is over. I don't want to keep in touch, we should both focus on moving on. All the best for 2025.

I like this one

i I think from what you’ve said he does know it’s over, just not respecting your decision eg “in hope not expectation”.

i know it’s hard but best to send a final message then disengage / ignore / block that’s the kindest thing. If you continue engaging he will carry on having hope

No, this leaves him counting down the minutes until ‘a few months’ is over and then popping up again all hopeful and hassling to meet up. People like this don’t take a hint unfortunately.

I think the above message suggestions are good.

One thing I would ask though is what is your reason for wanting it to be amicable? Just to avoid unpleasantness now or to keep the opportunity to be 'friends' in the future?

Because, the former is understandable but the latter well, there doesn't seem to be any reason to do that on your part and would mixed messages for him.

I have really enjoyed getting to know you but it is clear to me that this isn't a relationship that will last for me. I wish you all the best, you're a lovely guy and deserve to be happy.

Dear Jim, I don’t think seeing each other in January is a good idea so soon after we broke up when we saw each other last. We have become too comfortable with each other and it is too easy to slip back into old patterns that leave us closed off to new experiences that will make us happier in the future. I wish you all the best for 2025,
@tragedeigh

I would just say you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, wish him well but he needs to move on.

I would text once Boxing Day is over saying…

I hope you have had a good Christmas. I am sorry to do this over text and at this time of year but I no longer want to continue the relationship. Moving forward I want to focus on myself. I wish you all the best in the new year.

It is short and to the point while giving him a brief reason to stop any is it me? questions.

'I wish you well but I'd rather just cut contact fully. That would definitely be for the best so we can both move on.' Then block.

I’d say …
Thanks for your message. As I said to you when we were last met, I don’t want to continue our relationship. It’s just not working for me. We both want different things. Wishing you all the best for 2025 and beyond.

I wouldn’t necessarily block but would not reply to any messages quickly, and would block if it was clear he wasn’t getting the message!

"Hi Dean hope you had a lovely Christmas. I'm going to be blunt here... we are not getting back together. I'm just not in love with you and I've given it enough time to know it's not going to grow that way. So best to accept it and let each other go. You're a great person and I really hope you find happiness. These things just happen unfortunately. Take care and all the best for the new year."

DON'T block unless he starts hassling you later down the line. It really is petty, nasty and downright pathetic!!

Absolute no "probably"

This is good response- it makes your feelings clear. I’d say you don’t need to block him unless he starts pestering you.